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Leslie Goldman

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Yo Mama: TIME Magazine Cover Edition

Posted: 05/17/2012 5:38 pm

As someone who spends approximately 38% of the day with her boob in someone's mouth, I took particular interest in the recent TIME magazine kerfuffle over attachment parenting. "Three years is too old for a child to still be nursing!" screams one camp. "Nursing on demand, even until toddlerhood, makes kids feel safe and secure!" cries another. "Mmmph grmnish mnnph," snorts the third.

Not since the advent of Rush Limbaugh has a single boob created such a melee.

When it comes to the best age to wean, nobody is "right," just like no one is right when it comes to other highly charged boobie-centric debates, such as whether women should get implants, whether moms should be able to breastfeed uncovered in public or whether that African infant who got to nurse off of Salma Hayek in 2009 is, in fact, the world's luckiest person.

Here's the thing: I have absolutely zero problem with a woman breastfeeding her child until he or she is old enough to safely ride a roller coaster. I myself hope to continue nursing for at least a year -- a goal that my little lady's (very early) first tooth has forced me to reevaluate. Breastfeeding is a wondrous, natural phenomenon; who I am to say when a mom should wean her own child? That said, the issue is ripe for parody*, so allow me to present:

Yo Mama: TIME Magazine Cover Edition

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, she uses a tablecloth as a Hooter Hider.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, La Leche League issued a cease and desist order.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, she visits the nail salon once a month for callus removal and a soothing paraffin wax dip.

Yo Mama is so addicted to breastfeeding, she's gonna need a lactose patch and gum to quit.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, her boob tattoo is an expiration date.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, she reads What To Expect When You're Expecting for porn.

Yo Mama is such a prolific nurser, Oreo offered to be her corporate sponsor.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, her milk ducts have their own Facebook page. (Sample Status Update: Mommy's milk ducts are... getting psyched to see The Avengers this weekend!")

Wanna read more of my boobtastic writing? Check out my blog on nursing hunger or the one about how my breast pump talks to me.

*Please, no angry comments! This is all tongue-in-cheek; I am uber pro-breastfeeding! In fact, I'm pumping as I blog!

 
 
 

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