I have to admit, I'm a little embarrassed that it's taken me this long to figure out exactly what I want to do with my life. But hey, better late than never, right? I've been giving it A LOT of thought. And now that I know what my calling is, it was well worth the wait.
I, Tater, am destined to be in a rap video!
Just saying it feels right.
Now, you may be thinking, "Who does this cat think he is? Why does he deserve to be in a rap video more than my precious Fluffy?" Well, I can give you a good reason. In fact, I can give you 5 good reasons!
Reason #1: Apple Bottom Jeans and Boots Wit' Da Furrrr
Seriously, do you see the way I fill these out? It should be criminal that I look this good in women's jeans. Not to mention that even though I come with my own fur, I can still rock out a nap session snuggled next to a pair of fly boots. Killing it!
Reason #2: Stunna Shades
Sure, you may look like an a-hole while wearing Bono-inspired aviator glasses, but I just look like a pimp. I'm not trying to brag, but facts are facts. Also, my bodega guy agrees. And not just 'cause I bought the glasses at his corner store, but because I look really really amazing.
Reason #3: R. Kelly and I are Twins
Have you ever been "Trapped in the Closet?" Well, R. Kelly has and so have I! There are some wartime experiences that only fellow soldiers can relate to which is why I'd rather not talk about this any further.
Reason #4: All the Ladies
Here I am lounging in women's underwear like a boss. Do I know whose underpants these are? No. Do I care? No. I'm lounging in women's underwear!
Reason #5: Entourage
Okay, one: I have an entourage. Two: this is them. Do you seriously want to mess with us? Yeah, I didn't think so. I don't even wanna mess with them 'cause they actually scare the piss out of me, but I can't fire them 'cause I'm not good with confrontation. But still, entourage!
So, there you have it. Five air-tight, proof-positive points of why I should be in a rap video. So here I am, rap world! Ready to star, rap, fist pump, womanize, whatever in your rap video. I'm also non-union so I'm available for work immediately. Just FYI.
All photos courtesy of the author