10/02/2013 05:50 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

How to Exploit a Kitten

Originally, we wanted a dog. But due to the erratic schedule that comes along with being a performer, I didn't think it would be fair to leave poor little Fido home for hours on end. Enter, the cat.

My mom found out about a breed called the Devon Rex. Apparently, they're the most hypoallergenic of cats and great for people who suffer with cat allergies. People like me. I am and always have been highly allergic to cats. So why would I get a cat then? Because apparently, I'm also incredibly stupid.

Long story short, my husband and I both have cat allergies but took a chance on the myth that this breed of kitten was hypoallergenic. Good news is, my husband hasn't had so much as one allergic sniffle. Bad news? I instantly plummeted into allergy hell: sneezing, watery eyes, congestion, you name it, I had it. All because of a two pound fur ball.

I took over-the-counter pills, researched herbal remedies, vacuumed incessantly, used air sprays, and still...miserable. The choice was now between getting rid of the kitten or engaging in a seemingly never-ending series of allergy shots for the next several years hoping that they would help. But look at that face, who do you think won?


I now visit the allergist so much that the whole office knows more about my personal life than my parents do. Our frequent visits have prompted a whole new hashtag for my twitter account (#AllergistLiveTweet @ohmygoshko). I walk around with bruises on my arms from the miniscule shots because apparently I'm "extremely sensitive" (tell me & my therapist something we don't know). So, since I go through all of this for the cat, I feel no qualms about my new plan: exploiting the hell out of him! Or as I like to call it, "Exploi-Tater."

World, meet Tater!

You wanna see a picture of a cat with a flask? Here you go!


You wish Mr. McGibblets from The League was half-cat? You got it!


Cute cat!


Sleepy cat!


Cat with ducks!


Cat sleeping in a yogurt box!


Cat in the fridge!


Cat with a unicorn!


Wanna see Tater in a sailor costume sporting a derby hat and wearing a foam sports hand on his paw? Lemme know! I'll make it happen. I'll stage mom exploit the hell out of this adorable 'lil sh*t 'cause by god I'm getting injected with who-knows-what (I like to think the shots are filled with magic) in order to keep him. Since becoming a pet owner, I now know way too much about protein content in organic cat food and the pros/cons of clumping vs. non-clumping litter. Someone has to pay, and it's gonna be Tater.

That being said, he is pretty darn cute.


all photos courtesy of the author

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.