Congratulations! If you've found your way here, you may be eligible to win the I Have the Worst Neighbors Ever award!* Although, I must warn you, there's some tough competition. As the current title holder, I know the dedication and fortitude it takes to get here.
Now, you may be thinking, "My neighbors are pretty annoying, I bet I can win!" Hold your horses there a second, my friend. There is much more involved to winning the I Have the Worst Neighbors Ever award than just having "pretty annoying" neighbors. We're looking for those who have suffered anguish, insanity, pulling out of one's hair, and most of all, finding oneself in a living hell all due to their neighbors' asshole-ishness.
Sound like you? Then you've just passed Step 1! Proceed to Step 2.
Step 2: To be eligible, you must be able to answer "yes" to all of the following questions:
- Do your neighbors litter the hallway with garbage, decaying food, cigar butts and urine?
- Do your neighbors continually spit in the same exact location on the stairwell making a giant puddle of phlegm to slip on when descending the staircase?
- Do your neighbors shotgun weed smoke underneath the front door?
- Do your neighbors play music that is so bad and so loud for so long that it makes you consider putting all of these kittens in a sack and drowning them in a vat of battery acid and then making Christmas ornaments from their bones?
- Do your neighbors' displays of idiocy cause you to pray to God for strength even though you're an atheist?
If you were able to answer "yes" to all of these questions, way to go! You're still in the running to win the I Have the Worst Neighbors Ever award. Continue to Step 3.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. A good, hard look. Are there dark circles under your eyes from lack of sleep? Do you no longer recognize the disheveled face with unwashed hair staring back at you which questions, "Why did you move us into this abyss of suck which is worse than a clown's nightmare?" If so, draw what you see. If it resembles anything close to this...
Then consider yourself an official finalist! All submissions will be reviewed by our panelists** here at I Have the Worst Neighbors Ever and the winner will be contacted via a snow white flying unicorn which will relocate them to a dwelling place where people aren't absolute f*cking morons.
Also, feel free to submit your awful neighbor experience(s) in the comments section below. Our unicorn can easily fly through the internet and rescue the winner there too.***
*There is no real award.
**We can't afford panelists.
***This is true.
Follow Leslie Goshko on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ohmygoshko