Making the Most of Family Relationships
As our children grow into adulthood, so do our families. Our kids enter the next phase of lives as they create their own families. When our families grow, it's up to us to navigate new and different relationships, and to embrace the challenge of recreating and maintaining close adult relationships ... while allowing freedom for individuality.
I believe our best life lessons are learned through our interpersonal bonds, especially with family. As parents and grandparents, we're given the opportunity to nurture the family link. The way we show up and conduct ourselves determines the strength of our connection. Our behavior can either bring us closer or broaden the gap; this includes all relationships, but especially those with our adult children and their own families.
10 Key Tips to Keep Your Relationship Strong:
•Be respectful of boundaries.
oAlthough you may have enjoyed a very close relationship when your kids were younger, they are now adults and have their own lives.
•Drop your own agenda.
oAlthough you're still the parent, you've now taken on a different role.
oBe curious and open to other's thoughts and suggestions.
•Ask for permission before you offer advice ... your words of wisdom may not be welcome!
oThis is true for all family relationships; however it's especially important to remember when you have grandchildren, or a new daughter or son-in-law.
o Sometimes when my adult kids call about a problem, I'll ask them up front, "Are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent?" That way, we're both clear before the conversation goes any farther.
•Let go of expectations.
oYou create your own suffering when you want things to be different than they are.
oIt's time to let go of the way things used to be when your kids were younger.
oBe open to new traditions and family relationships.
•Don't assume.
oMaking assumptions will only get you into relationship trouble.
oRather than making assumptions, have meaningful conversations with family members and create agreements. (example: "When we all go on family vacation together this summer, let's agree that each family member will take a turn cooking dinner" ... rather than assuming they'll cook a meal.)
•Don't take things personally.
oThis is a tough one, especially for moms!
oAsk yourself if what was just said or done was directly intended for you, or are you just choosing to take it on? If you feel you may have done something wrong, then apologize. If not, don't take it personally. Chances are those hurtful words were spoken in a state of reactivity and have more to do with the person who spoke them than you!
•Communication is key.
oListen more ... talk less.
oThere will be disagreements; seek to understand but sometimes it's best to "agree to disagree".
oSpeak when you're calm, not in the heat of the moment.
oAvoid finger pointing.
•Be inclusive rather than exclusive.
oBe open and accepting of your adult kid's girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse or partner.
oYour adult kids are now juggling two extended families, so try to be understanding of their need to divide family time. If it works for all, invite the other families to join yours ... the more the merrier!
•Keep your get-togethers simple and have fun!
oIt's easy to envision a perfect family get-together. Sometimes we go overboard in preparation and are exhausted by the time everyone goes home.
oLess is more.
•Remember your parenting days are behind you ... your kids have their own life and so should you.
Here's to more family time!
Making the Most of Family Relationships is a special feature exclusive to Grandparentslink.com
by Bonnie Compton, Parent Coach & Child /Adolescent Therapist (http://www.grandparentslink.com/making-the-most-of-family-relationships/)
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