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Learn the Secrets of Publishing Stardom!

04/30/2015 12:26 pm ET | Updated Jun 30, 2015

It's never too early or too late:

Throw out every writer's guide you've ever bought or downloaded.

Shred all the notes you ever took at all those writing workshops.

Forget everything your writing teachers told you in school.

You wasted a lot of time and money.

And don't even think of NaNoWriMo.

E.L. James, author of the blockbuster Fifty Shades of Grey, has published a writing guide that's back in the news again, or at least making waves on social media: Fifty Shades of Grey: Inner Goddess (A Journal).

What? You missed it? There's still time to get it for every wannabe writer you know as a Mother's Day gift. How else can people learn to produce prose gems like these below?

"I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening."

"I have a serious case of the butterflies. They are flourishing in my stomach."

"My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head."

"I slice another piece of venison, holding it against my mouth."

"A frisson of trepidation mixed with tantalizing exhilaration sweeps through my body, making me wetter."

"And I come, my orgasm ripping through me, a turbulent, passionate apogee that devours me whole."

Let's face it: When it comes to sex writing, and writing about food, and people, and butterflies, E.L. James has no equal.

Are you ready?

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Lev Raphael is the author of Writer's Block Is Bunk and 24 other books in genres from memoir to mystery, which you can find on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble.