Some believe that our past defines us. Others would say that being too precious with our past inhibits us from making a better future. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. I've never been great at balancing the two. At times, I've been quite precious with my past. Only recently have I learned how to trade time spent wishing for a better past for time spent envisioning a more fulfilling future.
In November 2010 I decided to do an intimate tour that would place me in front of my friends and fans with just a piano and an evening to bare all. From my debut album in 2005 to the 2010 Tony Award, I never censored myself, and I never had a setlist. I figured that after a few months of living in this level of vulnerability, an organic disconnect would occur, condensing a "precious" past into a few universal lessons we all relate to. As the tour progressed, I began to learn what that universal lesson was for me: self-love.
I grew up gay in a small, fundamentalist Baptist town with five students in my graduating class. Knowing I was gay at 8 years old, I recall hearing my pastor passionately convey to his congregation how my kind was an abomination, abhorrent, and detestable in the eyes of God. Now, I was a very sincere boy. I remember making a pact with God on Sept. 12, 1988, saying that I would spend three hours a day reading the Bible and praying until God removed this "thing" inside me. (I can count on one hand the days I missed up until August 1992.) In junior high I secretly enrolled myself in Christian counseling, a program called "The Healing of the Homosexual." For six years I attended, just knowing that God would cure me of this demonic oppression! I would go to events where 20 to 30 people at a time would lay hands on me, attempting to cast out the demon of homosexuality. I was often terrified but always hopeful, thinking each day that this may be the morning I would wake up "normal." But 12 years of giving myself fully to the pursuit of "righteousness," and still the "healing" was never granted. However, the foundation for a self-destructive lifestyle was well established. See, you can't train a child to believe he is detestable in the eyes to God and expect him to have any value for his own life. The older I got, the more my bad choices reflected back to me the deep-rooted self-loathing I had agreed to long ago.
You don't have to be a rocket scientist to guess how my young adulthood played out in a big city like Los Angeles. I consider it rather cliché. My salvation eventually came in the form of a sponsor who chose to be a strong gay mentor. It was the start of my life taking a healthy turn, and the beginning of real success and happiness.
My live album, Live @ Joe's Pub, is this tour, captured during a sold-out performance in New York City. I take listeners through stories about various record labels and other not-so-ideal professional encounters, doing my best to tie it all back to the life-changing power of self-love. But hear me when I say that there is nothing precious about my story. We all have one, some more devastating than others. But I believe that if I am willing to honor it, learn from it, and let it go, then I'm ready to live a life that is not limited by my past. This is why the last song of the evening is a brand-new song called "Let It Go." And that's what it's all about for me nowadays: not being limited by my past.
Happy new year, everyone!
James Sims: Music's Past and Future Meet on Broadway
Fern Siegel: Stage Door: Million Dollar Quartet, Cirque's Ovo
Silken Laumann: Things I Am Proud of in 2011
If it doesn't sound too weird... imagine that you are surrounded by people who appreciate you and know your value. All those hands on you from long ago? They are replaced now by the hands of friends and loved ones, people who want to send you positive energy and support and encouragement. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but count me in with this group, please.
I grew up with a lot of psychological abuse in the home. I'm straight, but your statement "the deep-rooted self-loathing I had agreed to long ago" really resonated with me. I need to think about this one. I too agreed to a kind of self-loathing as a child.
I think that your article here will give a lot of people much to think about for various reasons.
Meantime, may you have peace and love and joy in your life, and the success that you so clearly deserve!
Happy new year to us all...
Kali
Please post more articles from the handsome piano man.
Thank you for being a reflection for all of us who are finding our voice and need a light to draw from. I wish you continued success in all that you do and that your self love continue to grow.
Bless you for doing an "it gets better" video. Have you considered working with the Trevor Project?
http://thinkunity.com
One of the truest, most powerful statements ever.
I've often said that until young gay men are not taught from childhood to hate themselves, not much will change. Some things are not erasable from the human soul. When an adult carves into the soul of a gay child that they are worthless and detestable to God, what value do they expect that young gay child to place on their own life?
Keep putting this message out there, Levi. Keep making that statement publicly and often.
My best to you.
For many of us, crutches are valuable emotional devices. They help us limp along until we have the power to walk on our own.