Since I was a little girl, I have struggled with an anxious mind. A day at the park or at the mall could be filled with a chorus "what ifs" and "oh nos" and suddenly I'm no longer riding on the swing with my toes slightly hitting the sand on each descent. My body is still there, but I'm swimming in the grooves of my brain that tell me that somehow and someway and for some reason I just can't rationalize, something bad will happen and I will not be able to fix it.
I've been thinking recently about certain fears in my life that I've carried around like imaginary friends since childhood. While on some level I know they are not real, the messiness of jobs and relationships and change and too much traffic on the 405 freeway makes them feel necessary. I'm finally outgrowing these fears but letting them go is like taking off armor that I think keeps me safe and in control. Slowly I'm learning that true serenity is letting life and all its heartache and joy and ups and downs touch you to the core with no guard up.
1. What if I make a mistake?
One of the most paralyzing fears is the fear of making a mistake. With every decision can come the deluge of feeling like I didn't choose "right" or I missed a sign or I've ruined everything forever. I'm working at stopping those black-and-white thoughts right in their tracks. No choice I have ever made in my life has been unfixable or not taught me an invaluable lesson. Every experience is here for me to learn how to open my heart, love myself, and be more honest -- so there really is no mistake. Life is like a GPS. If I get off course, I will always get redirected. And if I do make a decision that I later wish I hadn't, I can make amends with integrity and move forward.
Without this fear I would get to be fully human and trust that life is a giant experiment in which there is an abundance of lessons for me to learn if I can let go of needing to get it all "right."
2. What if they are mad at me?
Ninety-nine percent of the time I'm afraid that someone is mad at me, I come to learn the person wasn't even thinking about me at all. I'm usually just having an insecure day and projecting what I fear onto someone's text message with not enough exclamations or their cold facial expression. At the root of this fear is the fear of being left and of being alone, so my brain tells me that the best plan of attack to make sure that never happens is to prevent anyone from ever being mad or disappointed with me. Life has taught me that its impossible to control other people's emotions or perceptions and worrying about someone being mad at me doesn't actually change how this person is feeling. Without this fear, I would get to believe that people love me unconditionally and that I will, in time, build enough self-esteem to really trust that.
3. What if I can't get through this?
No pain in the world has ever not ended. As much as it feels like we will always be curled up in a ball crying, we won't. We know in time we will get up, put on our sneakers, go for a run and step back into the world. The sneakiest part of anxiety is the way it convinces you that it will never go away, which in turn makes you more anxious. Some days, I have no idea where this Path leads or when I'm going to see the light or what its going to look like. But despite my fear, everyone I know has gotten through their darkest times so most likely, I will too. Without this fear, I would know deep down that nothing lasts forever and that everything I'm going through right now will be useful to me someday.
The work is to hold these fears up to the light -- to see them and see into every shadow they cast, every thought they endorse, every feeling they control. On the days I feel like I can't get out of bed or the uncertainty of the future is very scary, I remember that just reminding myself that these fears are not reality is strength and courage.
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