Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 5, Episode 10 of the CW "90210," titled "Misery Loves Company."
The midseason premiere of "90210" starts, luckily for us, right where it left off before the holidays: Liam is gagged and shackled to a pipe in some dingy, highly secure room where bodyguard Ashley -- who turns out to be craaaazy -- monitors not only him but every move on the outside. Supposedly, she wants to keep him safe from Vanessa and the rest of the world at that. In truth tough, she is just Liam's biggest fan and wants him to herself. Oh Liam, how do you not see these gals coming?
Across town, Dixon wakes up to a seemingly bright morning with the gorgeous daughter of the man who put him in a wheelchair, Megan. They exchange sweet pillow talk and decide on pizza for breakfast when Adrianna barges in. She's shocked to find her ex in bed with another girl so fast, but more importantly, she wants to discuss the lineup for the night's label launch party where she's supposed to sing something called "Scarlet Adrianna," a clear sign that Dixon is still mad about her cheating on him with Taylor. Dixon reminds her that she's still bound by the world's most rigid contract and she storms off. This rings all sorts of alarm bells in Megan's pretty head and she bolts too, sans pizza.
Elsewhere, Teddy comes knocking on Silver's door with a half-assed apology and a demand they consult lawyers regarding this baby making business. Yes, three months ago he was fine being the donor. Now he wants to be involved in his child's life, and he insists it's not Shane's doing but his own will to care for this baby. Let the record show there's still no baby nor embryo, all his juice is still safely stored in a large freezer in a posh clinic somewhere.
Up in her ivory tower, Naomi laments the absence of her hubby Max (mainly by holding a mug that says "Nerds do IT better" and sighing. Oh and taking off her ring and putting it in her pants), though last we heard he only left for a conference in Iceland. Adrianna, still upset from her encounter with Dixon, his new girl, and his binding rules, joins in for bagels and a road trip. "Thelma and Louise" it is, minus the Grand Canyon suicide dive part, plus one Brad Pitt look-alike. On the ladies' drive along the coast, they reminisce about Ade's last dramatic breakup (because Navid apparently never happened) back in the 5th grade from a boy unfortunate enough to be nicknamed Spewy Dewy. Though 11 years old at the time, the ladies recall jumping the fence and going skinny dipping at Ade's neighbor's pool. This time they're going to do one better in the hot springs.
Back at Liam's, Annie and Vanessa make for an ad hoc duo trying to find the lost Mr Court. For all the back and forth snipes, they make for a great team those two. Vanessa, whip smart, realizes something is wrong as soon as Annie mentions Ashley and in no time they both figure out there's something way off with the bodyguard nobody hired.
Dixon meanwhile takes over Naomi's mansion in preparation for the "Unfaithful Records" party when Silver stops by and asks him to be a character witness for her in the custody case against Teddy. Dixon disappoints her by saying he's not even sure she's ready to have a baby, what with her family history and her current unemployed status. Teary-eyed Silver leaves Dixon to patch things up with Megan, since during their conversation, he realized Megan must have thought he slept with her to get back at Adrianna. Despite his best attempts though, Megan thinks he still has feelings for Ade and decides to walk away.
At the hot springs, Naomi and Adrianna step out decked in towels (obvious question mark) only to discover their clothes have been stolen. Since Naomi put her wedding ring in her pants pocket, that's now gone too. A hippie couple mentions they saw a gang of bikers by the girls' car, a gang that hangs out at a bar down the road. The usually decked-to-the-nines duo shows up looking hippie-ish themselves: having nothing but towels, they had to borrow some unusual couture (which, in mere seconds, gets ripped and redesigned into proper wear). Since the bikers won't show up until the afternoon, Ade and Naomi must stay at the bar ("looks like we're hanging out in a 'Sons of Anarchy' episode until my ring shows up" is probably the best one-liner of the night). It would have been an unpleasant ordeal had Ade not discovered her song in the jukebox. A few line dancing moves later, they find a Brad Pitt look-alike. Or, you know, a very handsome biker. Adrianna is smitten and leaves a moping Naomi to herself, taking her sexy new companion Billy to the launch party.
Back in the dungeon, Liam manages to free himself from the pipe and tries to attack Ashley when she returns from grocery shopping. She, of course, has a stunt gun handy and zaps him back to unconsciousness. When he comes to, a restless Ashley reveals to him she is no longer a policewoman and was discharged for "erratic behavior." Such behavior, for example, includes stuffing Liam in a wooden box and shipping him to Mexico so as to avoid the paparazzi.
Annie and Vanessa break into Ashley's place and find a wall, or a shrine rather, dedicated to Liam. There's no doubt now that they're dealing with a psycho. While rummaging through her things, Annie finds receipts for high-tech cameras and surveillance equipment. Vanessa notices it was all delivered to the shop underneath The Offshore, a place that has been vacant for a year. Sure enough, that's where Liam will be.
Silver, still adamant about keeping her baby, approached Teddy's uncle Charles on the golf course and explains the situation to him: She wants to raise the baby by herself, solo. He seems to understand and appears to take her side (though for a minute there, he thinks she's after a fat paycheck), and promises to help out.
In a surprise move, Naomi -- sad and hopped up on tequilas, heads to her mother's for comfort. The two haven't been in touch in a while, as evidenced by the fact that Naomi never even told her mom she was getting married. Nevertheless, she feels lost now and seeks advice. Like mother like daughter, the two Clark women tend to ignore problems in their marriage until it's too late. Or is it? The scene is one of Naomi's most endearing and candid moments, a true rarity. She leaves with her grandmother's wedding ring, who was happily married for 60 years.
By nightfall, the party at Naomi's is jumping, minus Naomi and most of the gang. Dixon managed to pull some strings and recruit Rita Ora, who performs "Shine Ya Light" and "R.I.P." (It's become my personal fave part when they bring guest artists on the show to play live. Don't you agree?) Teddy, the first to show up, tells Dixon he can't stay mad at Ade for long -- not for going AWOL the night of the party, not for messing things up with Megan, and not for hooking up with Taylor. Dixon understands this and when Ade finally shows up with Billy by her side, Dixon tells her he doesn't want to feel anything for her at all. When she goes on stage to perform, it's clear their breakup has finally sunk in.
At the party, Teddy's uncle confronts him with Silver by his side and things quickly spiral out of control. Charles lashes out at Teddy about embarrassing the family, first with his televised wedding to Shane and now with this so-called mistake. Silver, realizing the conversation has taken an ugly turn, tries to set him straight and make it clear she just wants Teddy to stick to what they agreed on, but by that point, Charles has gone on an anti-gay rant ("you two boys will never be real family"). Silver, who totally didn't see this one coming, lost not only her good friend but her precious sperm, too. In a state of desperation, she forges Teddy's signature on the documents and calls her doctor, ready to get that pregnancy going.
Back at The Offshore, the vigilante pair arrives to save Liam. Vanessa offers to play decoy to the cameras and pull Ashley out, while Annie releases Liam. At the same time, down in his makeshift cell, Liam tries a different tactic -- playing nice and sweet talking Ashley in hopes of knocking some sense into her. Just when they kiss, Ashley spots Vanessa via spy cam. The rescue mission is almost executed when Liam, now freed by Annie, saves Vanessa from Ashley's beating by tasing her. Last minute, just as the cops pull up, Ashley pulls out a gun. She aims it at Liam when Annie, in a last act of heroism, fights her and takes a bullet.
:(
"90210" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on CW.