Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen the season finale of Fox's "New Girl," titled "Elaine's Big Day."
The big day is upon us, Cece and Shivrang's wedding day, and as the tweets hinted: what could possibly go wrong?
The gang gets ready to head out, Jess in her bridesmaid sari, Nick in a "Miami Vice" suit, Schmidt in his Sunday best and Winston ... Well, he's just comic relief by this point. Jess' dad, from the little screen time he still gets, manages to convey his distaste for Rick Nick.
Prior to the ceremony, Jess chats with Nick and tells him she hopes he doesn't take her dad too seriously. She doesn't think he's an "unemployable, alcoholic bummer" like her father does, but the seed is planted in Nick's head the moment she says it.
Elizabeth, who came as Schmidt's date, is very excited and they genuinely seem happy together -- that is, until Schmidt accidentally enters the bride's room instead of the bathroom, just as Cece is prepping for the wedding. In her eyes he sees she doesn't want to get married and runs out to ask the guys for help in sabotaging the wedding. Jess asks him to quit any and all nonsense and leave Cece alone and Nick follows suit, but Schmidt is determined and he takes Winston down with him.
As Shivrang rides in on his white horse, Nick spots Schmidt messing with his phone, all conniving. He asks him to abort and Schmidt calls him out on changing for Jess -- he changed his suit (and no longer looks like he belongs on "Miami Vice"); he's carrying her bright pink purse; he's wearing deodorant. "Why are you trying so hard, man? Either Jess wants the real you, or she don't," he tells Nick. He then pretends to agree to quit all schemes but turns around and gives Winston the green light to blow the air horn, which then drives Shivrang's horse mad and makes it gallop into the street.
The wedding proceeds on course despite that minor incident, and Jess warns Schmidt that she's on to him. Just as Cece starts walking down the aisle looking as beautiful as can be, "Cotton-Eyed Joe" starts blasting. Nick rushes to the DJ booth and finds Winston responsible. He asks him to stop and when Winston won't, tries to pause the music himself. Jess walks in just then and, seeing Nick on the computer, with the CD, bumping his fists in the air (hey, it's catchy!), assumes he's in on the "childish prank." Nick gets so upset that Jess doesn't trust him and thinks he can't be a grownup that he marches out and asks Schmidt and Winston to get in on the sabo.
Cece and Shivrang carry on with their three-hour wedding and Schmidt approaches Jess and alerts her that they've gone too far. Winston's part of the scheme -- his own brilliant idea -- has him crawling in the air ducts with a badger. Nick, out of spite towards Jess, has joined him. The plan is to drop the badger on the priest and thus stop the holy matrimony once and for all. When Jess finds out Nick wasn't in on the prank to begin with, she calls him up. Hearing the phone ring freaks Winston out and he crawls all over Nick in an attempt to silence it, knocking the badger's cage over and allowing it to escape.
Jess joins the guys in the air duct and tries to talk some sense into Nick. He tells her he's offended that she thinks he screws up everything he touches, but adds that he is not a healthy person, is too much of a mess and that their whole relationship might be a mistake. He asks her to admit that some of what her dad thinks of him has stayed with her, and she reluctantly agrees. That very moment, she leans on an air vent and crashes through, Nick and the badger in tow. Bob gives Nick the dirtiest stare and runs off, after the badger brushes against his leg.
Jess ties to get the wedding back in order and asks the minister to proceed, but it all proves too much for Cece, who asks to call it off. She tells Shivrang and all her guests that this isn't what she wants, there's someone else she wants to be with. Shivrang then comes clean that he wants to be with someone else too, and up pops Taylor Swift -- in what is probably the most unnecessary guest appearance in television history -- as Elaine, the titular character, whom Shivrang is in love with and eventually runs off with.
The guests clear out and Jess tries to clean up the mess when Nick approaches her and tells her he thinks they should call it. "It's not like we're in love or anything," he says. "We had one night." Jess agrees but is visibly hurt by the decision, and walks off with tears in her eyes.
Elizabeth berates Schmidt for trying to sabotage the wedding (quite successfully, as it turns out), saying he must still have feelings for Cece to go to such great lengths. He denies it, but then Cece joins them and confesses that it is indeed Schmidt she wants to be with. She apologizes to Elizabeth who tells her it's not her decision to make, it's Schmidt's. He, of course, runs off.
Nick retreats to the bar and Winston, fresh out of the air duct and having been bitten by the badger, tells him he doesn't have to follow in his late father's footsteps. He doesn't have to run away -- there are other moves. Nick thanks him and runs out to catch up with Jess, who is unexpectedly waiting for him outside.
She tells him she doesn't want to call it, she doesn't want to give up on what they have. Nick scoops her up in his arms and kisses her with the kiss that spawned a million gifs. "Give me the keys," he tells her. "Where are we going?" she asks. "I don't know. Where do we come from? Where do we go? Where do we come from?" They get into the car together and drive off, happy.
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