THE BLOG
02/05/2013 03:48 pm ET Updated Apr 07, 2013

The Church Calendar: New and Improved

An Important Message from Church Headquarters: Treasuring the freedom that allows us to honor our unique ancient traditions while keeping up with the times, we propose adjusting these special Sundays in the church year.

Where I'm At Sunday, May 8 (formerly Confirmation Sunday): The youth of the church will reflect upon the hypocrisy of organized religion. They will show no interest in the Christian faith, but they will be invited to share their feelings and subsequently be received into full membership.

Denominational Apology Sunday, May 15 (formerly Pentecost): Time will be reserved for the denomination to apologize for one or more of the following: a) historical wrongs; b) hurt feelings; c) stands taken which may turn out to be wrong; d) stands now believed to be wrong which may turn out to be right; e) things that other denominations have done wrong.

Bad Preaching Sunday, June 5: Pastors will swap pulpits and preach extremely poor sermons at one another's churches, thus increasing each congregation's esteem for its own pastor. (Note: The official name of this Sunday is not to be shared with the congregation.)

Not Everyone Has A Nice Mother Sunday, May 10 (formerly Mother's Day) This Sunday will focus on those who had traumatic relationships with their mothers, did not have a mother, wanted to be mothers but could not, were assumed to want to be mothers but actually did not and those whose mothers have recently upset them in some way. An official denominational letter will be read apologizing for all the years the church has abused women by giving them carnations they did not particularly want or know what to do with.

Festival of the Christian Garage, June 19 (formerly Father's Day): Liturgical artists: decorate the sanctuary creatively with symbols such as beer cans and TV remotes as we affirm all the dads who are not in church that day. The preacher may open worship with words such as "Can you keep it down? I'm trying to watch the game in here" and then proceed to ignore the congregation for the next hour.

Not in My Backyard Sunday, November 13: Bulletin inserts will make it clear that life-changing mission work only takes place overseas, where the people are really grateful. Church members who have taken trips abroad will wear ponchos and speak on how they received even more than they gave. Youth will feel a call to ministry, which should dissipate by the fourth hymn. Local poverty within driving distance of the church, gun control legislation and union organizing drives need not be mentioned.

Human Sexuality Sunday, Date, Subject and content TBA, CANCELLED

Large Church Pastor Sunday, August 7: On this day the denomination prays for the special needs of large churches and their pastors, who must recruit top-flight associate ministers, retain well-paid staff, manage endowments without touching the principal, all while feeling underappreciated and misunderstood by pastors of smaller churches.

Small Church Pastor Sunday, September 18: The beauties and subtleties of small church ministry will be celebrated in worship, which will be followed by an all-church pot-luck. Those with last names A-G should bring cupcakes; H-M, green bean casserole; N-P, baked beans; O-Z, ham with pineapple. Recipes will be shared. Please call Charlene in the church office if you have any allergies or questions or if you would like to move the date because you have a conflict.

Cute Things Kids Say About God Sunday, January 30; February 13, 20; March 27 (formerly Easter); May22 (formerly Trinity Sunday); June 19; September 4, 11, 18;; October 2; December 18 and December 24 (formerly Christmas Eve): On these popular Sundays, pastors should quote heavily from stories making the rounds on the internet, which the congregation will enjoy hearing again. Stories need not have a point as long as they are cute and vaguely anti-intellectual. Don't overlook stories about your own children, which are a source of never ending delight to others.

Jesus, My Buddy! Sunday, November 20 (formerly Christ the King Sunday): Images will be chosen to emphasize the ordinariness of Jesus and to boost church members' self -esteem. By way of pastoral care, members will be given the opportunity to come forward to share and to unpack their lingering feelings of inadequacy resulting from previous presentations of a transcendent ruler God. This service should offer the comforting message that God is really no better than we are.

If you would like to download the accompanying liturgical resources for our new church calendar, please visit our website at desperatetoberelevant.com.

Click through the slideshow to see a pictorial religious calendar for 2013 with photographs of celebrations of the world's numerous beautiful and sacred holidays:

PHOTO GALLERIES
Religious Calendar 2013