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'Bachelor Pad' Finale Recap: The Most Disturbing Finale Ever

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What started off as a panel of fresh faces, plastered on fake smiles and a colorful display of a few random fashion choices ended in running mascara, devilish smirks and enough f-bombs to merit one, long consistent beep from the FCC. Harrison was the ringmaster and the contestants were mere players in his three ring circus.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen -- the third installment of the "Bachelor Pad" has taken its final bow and has crowned a new schmuck as its heartless winner.

Another One Bites the Dust
Before Our Host Chris Harrison even introduces the four remaining contestants out on to the stage, he decides to invite various individuals to join him in the hot seat. Up first is Michael Stagliano. Harrison asks the Stag if he and Rachel are still hot and heavy, to which Michael answers the question with a question: "Did I come on the 'Bachelor Pad' to find a wife? No. Did I like kissing Rachel? Yes. Is there a love connection? No. I just didn't fall in love with her."

Apparently, this was news to Rachel and the rest of America. Once Rachel was invited out on stage (an hour into the show), she had to suffer through a lover's montage and then listen to Michael explain again that he's just not that into her. Oh well. She's surely going to win a quarter of a quarter of a million dollars, right?

Gypsy? Tramp? Thief?
Clearly Jamie used this "live" taping as an audition to be a member of the floor show in an upcoming tribute to Cher playing two weeks only at Mandalay Bay this fall. There's no other explanation for her golden head thong, bedazzled eyes and ginormous silver dollar-inspired decoupage earrings.

With This House Key, I Thee Wed.
Blakeley is invited to the hot seat where she gushes about the wonder that is Tony. They hold strong to the agreed reality that they were lucky enough to find love instead of winning the money. They awkwardly address the contestants, announcing that they are moving in together! Tony has cable in Portland! No comment on how his son (you remember him leaving Emily's season because he missed his son so much, right?) feels about the new roommate situation.

In other news, Neil Lane sold Tony one of his rejected rings from last season and Tony proposed on "live" television. Much like the Grinch's heart, Blakeley's boobs must have grown three sizes, because her unfortunate cut-out dress was having trouble wrangling the ladies. Congratulations you crazy kids!

Don't Vote For Chris. Vote for Pedro. Or Sarah.
We witnessed Chris perform some major back peddling and kissing up this episode. He makes a pretty annoying request when he kindly asks the contestants to refrain from giving him a hard time about Blakeley and Jamie because his family has already ripped him a new one. Jamie chose to ignore the request and publicly chastised him for being such a jerk on the show. No one heard what she was saying because they couldn't take her seriously. Ed and Kalon were taking bets on if she was supposed to be an Indian Marsha Brady or a Turkish girl gone wild. Meanwhile, Chris begs his fellow contestants to NOT vote for him, but to instead vote for Sarah. Audible laughs and visible eye rolls were both seen and heard from the peanut gallery.

Nick Cleans House
Of course Rachel and Nick are voted as the final two contestants on the show. They must now be escorted to separate deliberation rooms and either choose a sign that says KEEP or one that says SHARE. If they both choose SHARE, they split the winnings. If they both choose KEEP, the losing contestants split the cash. If one chooses KEEP and one chooses SHARE, the person who chose KEEP gets to KEEP the money. Clear as mud?

Rachel chose to share the winnings. Once Nick started his five minute soliloquy, reminding Rachel how she always talked about being "stuck" with him as a partner and her constant whining about missing Stag. He wagged his finger at the panel for not giving him props for making it this far. We pretty much knew that Rachel was going to get burned not once, but twice during this finale. Sure enough, Nick reveals that he's keeping the money. Rachel sobs and then peppers him with f-bombs backstage.

Did I feel sorry for Rachel? Sure! She got dumped on national television and then lost $250,000 to a guy that flew under the radar and barely spoke 10 sentences the entire season. Do I understand why Nick felt the need to keep the money? Sure! He had very valid reasons for not having any emotional connection to Rachel and reminded everyone that this is indeed a game above all other things. He'll be labeled a villain. But as he said, "He's a villain with a quarter of a million dollars now." I think he'll be okay.

What did you guys think? Did Rachel deserve the money? Was Nick a schmuck? Will Kalon and Lindzi last? Will Blakeley's wedding dress be backless? Sound off in the comments section!

For the full recap, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.