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Lincee Ray

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The Bachelor Recap: I'll Take "Most Boring Episode Ever" for $200, Alex

Posted: 02/21/2012 1:20 am

We've put a solid eight weeks into this season of "The Bachelor." Since we were denied any classic shenanigans typically showcased in the ever-popular hometown dates, the least ABC could do is give us more Harrison basking in the romantic glow of the candlelit hotel foyer that has been transformed into a makeshift de-briefing room for his postmortem session with Ben.

Is it too much to ask for a shotgun-toting dad or a grandmother who gets a little too handsy after pre-dinner cocktails? These families were almost normal. Where's the fun in that? Fortunately, there were a few moments when our Bachelorettes listlessly waved their freak flag. At this point in the game, I'll take anything that remotely resembles an action sequence.

Harry Cox
Yes. Lindzi's father is named Harry Cox. I'll allow 10 seconds for you to digest that sentence and laugh like a prepubescent boy just as I did. Lindzi insists that Ben learn how to maneuver a horse-drawn carriage by giving him explicit instructions while sitting in his lap. They ride up to the backyard of Harry Cox who is sitting in furniture that has clearly been moved from the inside out. Harry Cox greets the couple, extending his hand to welcome the newcomer to his home. Ben is holding a whip in one hand and this man's daughter's derriere in the other. He doesn't feel so awkward when the man introduces himself as Harry Cox. Seriously. Harry Cox.

Left, Left, Left, Right, Left
Sweet, innocent, young, adorkable Kacie B. took to the 50 yard line with her secret weapon once again. That's right ladies and gentlemen: The baton made another appearance. This time, it was accompanied by an ill-fitting billowy orange blouse, a black unitard with a questionable crotchal region and 30 kids from Stratford High School who needed extra credit in order to pass for the semester. Kacie B.'s hometown date did not go as planned when her father refused to give his blessing and her mother refused to approve cohabitation. Kacie B. spent most of the date in her bedroom complaining to her sister about how their parents are going to flip when they see footage of her snow skiing down a street in San Francisco (backwards ... in a bikini), presenting her goods for all the world to see.

These Boots Were Made for Walking
Ben managed to out dork himself by switching his usual bland-colored tee with the most drab pair of skinny grey jeans, black pearl-snap shirt and felt black hat when playing cowboy dress up during his Texas hometown date. Even though it was evident he was struggling to embrace the ambiance, he looked ridiculous. Much like Kacie B's unfortunate crotchal region in her unitard, Nicki appeared to be suffering from the same situation in her jeans. And the horizontal striped off-the-shoulder top was not doing her any favors. I admire her clear effort to pay homage to both "Flashdance" and "Urban Cowboy" simultaneously, but she wasn't pulling it off. Professing her love to Ben was a definite distraction we all appreciated ... before drifting back to sleep on our couches.

Say "I Do"
Courtney took Ben to a park in Scottsdale that just happened to be setting up for a wedding. Nice move, ABC. I'm sure the intern had all sorts of fun setting this stage. She managed to convince our Bachelor to compose original vows (she would be reading a selection from "Sex and the City"), walk down the aisle, recite said vows and exchange rings before being pronounced fake man and wife. Next week's fantasy suite will double as a fake honeymoon.

Cry Baby
It was a moment that bordered on dramatic (if we actually cared about anyone on this show) when sweet, innocent, young, adorkable Kacie B. was sent packing this week. She was escorted to a bench where "I'm sorry" was the only explanation uttered before our little administrative assistant was shoved in the rejection limo bound for Tennessee. Although no actual tears descended from her ducts, several facial contortions lead us to believe that Kacie B. was experiencing some sort of angst. This hypothesis was confirmed when high pitched squeaking issued forth from her throat, followed by sounds only dogs could hear. The entire package concluded with the question we've all been asking ourselves this entire season: "What the *BLEEP* just happened?"

Great question, Kacie B. We may never know. But the bigger question may be ... do we care?

Only three weeks left. Were you surprised by Kacie B.'s exit? Will Ben ever run a comb through his hair? Wouldn't it be funny if Courtney and Ben were really married? Sound off in the comments section.

To read the entire recap of last night's episode, feel free to visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.