Note: The following contains spoilers if you have not seen Season 16, Episode 4 of ABC's "The Bachelor."
It's week four of "The Bachelor" and Ben continues to prove that he's about as normal as they come on this train wreck of a show. Although this offers little in "the most dramatic episode ever" category, the ladies continue to provide solid helpings of crazy via catty comments and emotional meltdowns. In fact, their behavior inspired me to create a playlist since mixed tapes have always been a spiritual gift of mine. Enjoy!
Track 1: "Sound of Silence" By Simon & Garfunkel
The first one-on-one date pairs our "Bachelor" with Rachel, or Bangs as I like to call her. She admits that one of her biggest weaknesses is her lack of communication skills. I think that's putting it lightly. When your date resorts to pointing out beaver dams because dinner is so painfully quiet, I think it's safe to say that you have zero communication skills. Stick to the basics. Talk about the weather. Or the food. Or make a joke and ask Ben where he gets his hair cut. This is Conversation 101 at its best. When we can hear the crickets chirping, it's a bad sign, Bangs.
Track 2: "Should Have Been a Cowboy" By Toby Keith
When Ben admitted to the camera that he was ready for the ladies to see his "country side," I performed a quick Google search to confirm that his Sonoma winery indeed does not double as a Dude Ranch. Bless Ben's heart. A plaid pearl snap does not a cowboy make. If we weren't convinced, the sheer terror on his sweet face as his horse galloped through the river on his group date was evidence enough that the closest Ben will ever come to cowboyhood is the 50-yard-line at Cowboys Stadium in Dallas.
Track 3: "Don't Go Away Mad, Just Go Away" By Mötley Crüe
Miss Pacific Palisades plucks up the courage to ask Ben why she's been on three group dates and no one-on-one dates. He calmly explains that he is looking for specific characteristics in the group dates, while reminding her that not everyone is granted an invitation to bask in his presence. That's code for: Count your blessings, chick! Unfazed by his gentle warning, Samantha presses the issue again. He's left with no choice but to say that she's a great girl, but he assumes she's not really into him since she spends most of her time in the handicapped bathroom stall. She licks her lips, maintains a clueless stare and then is escorted to a black SUV waiting after he helps her pack. Amateur.
Track 4: "I Need You Now" By Lady Antebellum
Poor Kasie B. I truly thought she was going to dive head first into the ankle deep fly fishing river, but she pulled it back together when Ben reassured her that she was a frontrunner. She's professed her love roughly 19 times to the camera, 136 in her journal and I'm confident she worked in an "I love you" once or twice as she whispered sweet nothings into his ear. On most days, she can be found searching for odd numbered petals on daffodils.
Track 5: "Free Fallin'" By Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
I like Jennifer. Had the cameras not been there to document her creepy spelunking date, I might have been fearful for her life. It started off with a seemingly endless hike, leading to a barrier that read "NO TRESPASSING," followed by a law-breaking hop over said barrier to break into a fenced-in area protecting a huge hole, which ended up being the mouth of a cave that had a questionable depth of water below it; i.e. it was the exact intro I saw one time on "Criminal Minds." Assuming that Ben is up-to-date in his harness certification, why did she have to strip down to a string bikini? Had she known she would be suspended over water, waiting for the big plunge, with all of the weight of this dude falling on her, I'm sure she would have chosen something a little more athletic in the swimwear department.
Track 6: "Love is a Battlefield" By Pat Benatar
Emily is strong. Heartache to heartache, she stands. No promises. No demands. She's going to go for the jugular when it comes to Courtney by giving Ben the infamous "she's different around us that she is around you" speech. Sadly, Ben reminds Emily that Courtney is not only hot, but a model and she needs to concentrate more on herself than others. Courtney learns of Emily's tattling and plays mind games the rest of the night. Emily's defenses slowly begin to crumble and she even cries. Yes, love is a battlefield, Emily. And with late night/early morning booze, sleep deprivation and those Spanx cutting off the oxygen to your brain, the odds are not in your favor.
Track 7: "You (Hi)Light Up My Life" By Debby Boone
Jugs McGee slowly endeared herself to me this episode! The combination of her stomping skills on the picnic table during the group date with the revelation of her secret life skill in the art of hair highlighting, she is quickly becoming this season's Miss Congeniality.
Next week, Emily proves that she learned nothing from this week's debacle and tattles on Courtney again. Meanwhile, Courtney chooses to get back at Emily the only way she knows how ... by skinny dipping with our Bachelor. Fun times!
To read the entire recap of last night's episode, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.
"The Bachelor" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on ABC.