Note: The following contains spoilers if you have not seen Season 16, Episode 2 of ABC's "The Bachelor."
Several scenes from last night's episode of "The Bachelor" left me scratching my head in confusion. The girls have been suddenly plucked from their Hollywood Hills mansion and shipped off to experience the ins and outs of Ben F. where he is the most comfortable -- in his Sonoma surroundings. The home field advantage provided an array of moments that were clearly premature for one-on-one dates and group adventures we typically see in week two of our journey into Bachelor Nation. I've taken the liberty to narrow the massive list down to five.
Too Early for Episode Two
1. "This is Your Life"
I understand that Kacie B. is just darling. She twirls batons for goodness sake! But Ben F. has known her (and I'm being generous by rounding up) a total of 3.5 hours. Is it really necessary on the first one-on-one date of the season to have the ABC intern create a memory montage of old photos and home movies of these two on his Mac? Perhaps Ben F. wanted to share those memories of his deceased father at his future rehearsal dinner or with someone he's known longer than the nice lady who serves him his morning espresso at Starbucks.
2. Theatrical Shenanigans
I don't know about you, but I think week two is a little early to have our contestants dressing up as pigs, donkeys and weasels at the Sonoma Community Theater. Ben F. ripping away his sheep outfit to reveal underwear crafted from a few hundred cotton balls is definitely something that would typically happen in week four tops. Come on, this isn't the "Bachelor Pad."
3. Total Lack of Harrison
Everyone knows that host Chris Harrison is the glue that holds this mess of a show together. He's classy. He's suave. He's got a killer gaze with those baby blues. He's Harrison. Because of his commanding presence, he can probably phone every episode in and no one would know the difference. He's just that talented. So why in the world, I ask you, does ABC give him less than five minutes of screen time in week two? Where's Harrison in his casual sweater and jeans bestowing the first date card? Where's the deliberation with Ben F. in the photo bureau room? I think I speak for us all when I say: Bring back the host!
4. Introducing the Ladies
Not only was Blakeley's romper a few sizes too small, I'd be willing to bet Frederick's of Hollywood had a fire sale on overstocked Halloween milk maid costumes. I'm sure she would have chosen less cleavage had she known her group date would be playing Simon Says to a gaggle of middle school kids at drama camp. Sure, that fifth grade boy didn't do her any favors by asking the well-endowed cocktail waitress to "run in slow motion," but I think this is the earliest we've ever had a contestant (in this case, Miss Pacific Palisades) bestow another such an appropriate nickname: Jugs McGee. (I added the last name.) Fortunately, Jugs doesn't care about the other contestants. She landed in the safety zone by sticking her tongue down the Bachelor's throat.
5. Taking To Bed
Poor, crazy Jenna over analyzed herself when talking to Ben F. and botched her one-on-one time. Again. Instead of saying that she's not good at being a girl (which is already sketchy information to share in your second conversation ever), she said that she was not a good girl. Afterwards, she totally melts down on camera, clutches her non-existent pearls around her neck and wanders off in the general direction of the suitcase room where Jugs McGee has already assumed the fetal position in the corner. Jenna does the next best thing: She crawls into bed, covers up and waits for dawn. I don't think I've ever seen anyone take to bed this early in the game. (That includes the one girl who passed out drunk that time and when Ashely found sanctuary under her purple comforter during Bentleygate.) Unfortunately, Ben F. stumbles upon Jenna moments later and drags her to the rose ceremony, where she can have a front-row spot to witness every other girl receive a coveted bud. Bless her heart. Get back on the meds, sweetie.
It was definitely an "episode two" of firsts. Some, I'm fully comfortable with never seeing again. Others need to be revised and perhaps given at least an hour of air time, in which a certain host is given the ability to display his truly witty personality. I'm just saying. Regardless, way to keep us on our toes, ABC!
To read the entire recap, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.