We are finally down to four contestants on "The Bachelorette" (Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC), and Emily is Chicago, Utah, Scottsdale and Dallas-bound to meet the families of her fair suitors. Other than a whining, creepy, immature brat who doesn't drive fast vehicles or serve road kill for dinner, I think there are some pretty viable candidates for our bachelorette!
One F Jef
Little Bit Country, LIttle Bit Rock-N-Roll ... in Skinny Jeans
Jef greets Emily at the gate of his family's ranch, tosses her in a dune buggy and peels through through the dessert like a wild man as if to say, "Formula One what?" Nice move, One F. Then he takes her skeet shooting and knocks every clay pigeon out of the sky as if to say, "Country boys aren't only from Texas." Kudos, Jef. (For obvious reasons, there were no subtle jabs at Chris.) They arrive at an oasis to meet his two brothers, three sisters and a gaggle of kids. Everyone approves of Emily and Jef feels that it's time to read her a love letter he wrote on a legal pad. The phrases "help you chase your dreams" and "I love how you fit in my arms" make Emily tear up before she confesses that no one has ever said such nice things to her. They make out on Jef's old dorm room comforter spread on a bed of rocks as the sun goes down. He managed to maneuver the entire date without the help of skateboard or marionette. Well played, Jef. Well played.
Life in the Dutch Fast Lane
Knowing that Emily is completely smitten by a man in a fast car, Arie takes a few spins around the track before inviting her to join him in the Formula One. She becomes all hot and bothered, so they do what they do best ... make out between talking about important facts and details of their lives. We learn that Arie's parents are Dutch and will probably need convincing that this relationship is legitimate. Emily passes with flying colors until everyone begins speaking Dutch around her. I'm quite confident the twin brothers were discussing how one may have grazed a boob when he hugged Emily, but we'll never know since Arie made it a rule that everyone had to speak English for the remainder of the evening. Since the date clocked around 10 minutes of air time, I assume the family dynamic was positive enough for Emily to imagine herself mugging down in Scottsdale, Arizona on a more permanent basis.
Deep In the Heart of Texas
Sean's family set the scene perfectly for the meet-n-greet with Emily. The patio furniture was pulled out into the lawn next to a tricked out playhouse and the niece was poised to burst into euphoric bliss when her uncle arrived. There were introductions all around before Sean shared the big news that ABC had been teasing all night ... he lives with his parents. Emily drops a concerned, "Cool" as he takes her up to his bedroom strewn with stuffed animals, dirty laundry and general filth. When he mumbles something about how he wished his Mom had time to clean up and the camera cuts to a half eaten cookie on a table, I suspected (read: prayed) that this was a prank on Emily. We all exhaled a huge sigh of relief when Sean admitted that he was kidding and then felt sorry for Emily again when his dad pulled out an armadillo from the oven, pretending it was dinner. I was both concerned that leprosy is airborne and wondered if they edited out the part where Emily sat on a whoopee cushion. Later, when he walked her to the black departure SUV, they shared another awkward kiss. She puckered. He stuck his tongue out. It wasn't pretty. As he watched her drive away, he realized that the moment had been caught on tape and ran through the neighborhood calling her name, hoping that the sound of his voice would compel the driver to stop and give him a second chance. The scenery wasn't as romantic as Prague, but the gesture was nice. He gave her one last smooch before sending her on her way.
"On A Scale of One to Polish, My Family is Polish."
I was reluctant to believe Chris' above statement at first because everyone knows that Polish people eat sausage, which was mysteriously absent from the dinner table. The macaroni and cheese made an appearance in the white Corning Ware dishes with the blue flowers on the side as seen on every dining room table since 1954, but no sausage? Curious. Just as I was about to pull the family Pole card, a spontaneous dance party erupts in the back yard and Emily is passed from lederhosen to lederhosen as a tuba player puffs out a familiar polka beat.
Further proof of his heritage came directly from the thick accent of Chris' father who blabbed to his half Polish son that Emily admitted that she was falling in love. In reality, his father actually asked, "Do I sense love?" and Emily answered, "Absolutely." Unbeknownst to the Poles, she was inferring to the love she senses for Arie's tongue, One F Jef's heart and Sean's biceps. Clearly this misinterpretation of minor details contributed to the major melt down both directly outside and moments later inside the rejection limo as it made its way back to a plane bound for Chicago O'Hare. On a scale of one to sloshed, I'd be willing to bet Chris ordered a tiny bottle of alcohol so the bobblehead version of himself could get hammered on the way home too.
We only have three weeks left and the competition is actually pretty even as we head into the fantasy suite forgo card dates in the Caribbean. Who will be the final two? Does One F Jef have a chance? Do you think Arie will have the opportunity to propose? Is she really in to Sean? Sound off in the comment section.
"The Bachelorette" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.
To read the entire recap of last night's episode, feel free to visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.
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