Most people eat a substantial dinner at 6 p.m. or after--even as late as 8 or 9 p.m. Then they sit down to watch television or a movie, or work or play at their computers. Some may watch the news before bed and then attempt to sleep. If I were to write a prescription for 'how not to sleep well' this would be it.
I asked my 80 year-old trainer for his advice about sleep and he said, move your body. And by that he meant simple walking or slow treadmill, not anything over-stimulating. He also believes that eating after 5 p.m. is a mistake, as is becoming sedentary at night.
As common sense as these suggestions might be, insomnia has become a massive problem in our culture. I would say at least half of those who come to my office for a very different set of problems also have a significant sleep disturbance. They either can't get to sleep, can't stay asleep or feel fatigued most of the time because of restless sleep. Just the fact that the Huffington Post Living section has dedicated this month to sleep advice is indicative of just how widespread this problem is.
Now, I have titled this blog with a question mark because there are many ways using sex to help one sleep can be misused--so let me list some of these ways first so I won't be quoted as "sex therapist says you should have sex to be able to get to sleep."
I call it Accommodation Sex and this notion that submitting to sex even though it doesn't feel that the sex is about 'us' but only about 'me' becomes very impersonal to say the least. After a while, even when someone is offered a genuine opportunity for love making, their desire has been chipped away over many such episodes. The numbing effect has taken its toll.
Persistent choices in favor of having an interlude with self to help one sleep can lead to lots of enticements that distract people away from their relationships as well as work and family obligations. People may then be stay up long hours to pursue the stimulating options and sleep ends up going out the window anyway. Having heard many stories of people increasingly drawn to going down that rabbit hole of cyber sex, I am quite aware that many do not realize how damaging their habit has become until they lose their partners.
Now that I have stated my reservations about sex for sleep, I will say that in a good relationship - where communication is open and both partners feel very comfortable with being honest about what's true for each at the moment - having a wonderful sexual encounter and a loving cuddle after is a yummy option. Not only do you get that orgasmic oxytocin, you prolong the feeling with loving emotions.
That sense of connection to a beloved partner is one of the precious benefits that I personally feel is right up there on the list with any other sleep advice--and I see it as higher than most. Although for all the reasons I've given, it cannot be a routine, every night kind of remedy, I believe that the secure bond and the loving energy generated lasts for several days, maybe even over a week or so.
I'll be writing about my experiences in Brazil with my next post, so stay tuned.
Follow Linda E. Savage on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lindasavagephd
Trina Read: Cyber Sex Can Be Relationship-Friendly
It's just someone's opinion people, this isn't anything 'real'.
What about everything your husband does for you?
If he is not doing it for himself and only himself, would you also advise the husband to avoid...
Accommodation gift giving, for example.
Accommodation visiting the in-laws, maybe.
Accommodation dinner parties, etc.
If he isn't in the mood, should he be forced to do something he doesn't want just to accommodate her?
Evidently not...according to your logic, right?
Fine, if you don't want to have sex with him...he can just go find another woman to "accommodate" him, right?
That way the wife won't be "burdened", right?
Oh, RIGHT...that is the ONLY thing that is a dealbreaker in a relationship.
Name any need besides sex and society says it's ok to get it from other people.
Women are good. REAL good.
Burden us, not them. And this is a therapist giving this advice, right? What does she specialize in, relationship destruction?
Number 3 is just nuts, and your final position would/could never work long term without it becoming number 1. I never heard of a relationship where both parties were perfectly in sync about times to go to sleep for 30 years, never.
Such guilt about number 3, you can't even seem to recommend it without massive over analysis.
Look, if your worried that your women clients won't understand that their men do number 3 often but in contrast these women don't want to have sex just to help their husbands go to sleep (which is perfectly fine, women have no reason to feel guilty as if it's their fault or responsibility to satisfy a man's every need every single moment) but in contrast don't act like their is something wrong with a guy jumping in the shower or whatever for a quick number 3, before going to bed, as if he is neglecting his wife.
Firstly women don't have any right to get upset if they don't take some action. Women stop expecting men to be mind readers all the damn time. If your up for some fun, then make some plans or get playful or whatever your personal signals are, but don't go into trama if he doesn't do something you want if you don't tell/show him.
Did I just save anyone from a therapy session or actually cause you to need one. :p
According to my upbringing, any "self-enjoyment" means that I'm going to the Hell that I don't really believe in . . . but what if my beliefs are wrong and my mother is right?
Guilt is a "biggie" when it comes to sex . . .
Do any of you folks talk to your significant others about this topic?
Cuz, honestly, that seems the simplest, and well, most honest thing to do.
If my partner's not in the mood for sex, I shouldn't bug him/her about it. Instead, I should masturbate.
But when I masturbate, I shouldn't use the evil internet, but some other sort of stimulating agent, because I might fall down some sort of internet black hole of sex.
OK...I'm with you so far.
Now, the next question is, WHERE should I do the deed?
The bathroom is not really very sexy. What am I, 12 years old? And besides, I like to be comfortable, and sitting on the can is anything but.
So unless I have a spare bedroom, I have only a few choices about where to fap. Either in the bedroom, next to my sleeping beauty, or on the living room couch, if I've got a small place.
So as an expert, what do you recommend?
Or maybe you could just wait until your partner is in the mood.
If he/she never is in the mood, I recommend discussing this issue with one another or with a therapist.
It's not necessarily either/or...