Let's face it, telling the truth about your sexual experience to your partner is daunting, especially when it goes beyond "it was wonderful, honey" or some version of that accolade. This blog is not about the "how was that for you" discussions after sex. Most people have gotten the message by now: doing a post-mortem evaluation of a sexual encounter is not a good idea. If you haven't figured that out yet--stop doing it right now!
When I refer to 'the truth,' I mean self-disclosure, not ego stroking to please a partner and score emotional points. At first, engaging in these types of conversations are best outside of the bedroom, or at least when you have clothes on and are feeling relaxed, otherwise performance anxiety will take over, or feelings of shame or defensiveness. The truth that is crucial for great sex in long term relationships is the sharing of your deepest feelings about how you experience sexuality. And that includes a whole lot of what has shaped us: our encounters with others, our awareness of sexual energy, our most vulnerable fantasies, our unique interests, and much about our personal history -- the whole shebang. But the most interesting and satisfying truth that can move your sexual experience to a much higher level is telling your partner what is true in the moment. That truth includes both inner knowing and outer expression.
Telling the truth is the fifth energy center of the body, the Throat Chakra. It is about the flow of energy through your voice: how you express or suppress your truth. Telling the truth is a level II (Conscious Loving) communication skill and 'voice' includes inner wisdom, that 'still small voice' that we listen to by quieting the mind. And it also includes the spoken word, what we share with a partner. Intimate relationships are the only ones where it is critical to express our vulnerable awareness. The ability to describe with words your interior experience to someone you love takes significant practice. It can be tricky to find just the right way to say what you mean without blame which would make it impossible to have good sex because defensiveness and anger stifle sexual energy. To be effective, Level II communication must be congruent with what you are feeling. It must be non-blaming and tempered with kindness.
Conscious Loving means that as the listener, you must focus on being fully present, staying open and curious about rather than reactive to what your partner is saying. Then, in order to speak your truth, you must first sense what you are feeling and then share that information in the most truthful and non-judgmental way. One of the best ways to practice knowing your own truth (and not judging it) is through Mindful Meditation. Originally brought to the West through John Kabat-Zinn's book, Full Catastrophe Living, you can get more information from the internet and then find a class offered near you.
The definition of intimacy is the desire to know and be known by another. It is the foundation of great long-term sex. This ability to both listen and share without judgment is so crucial that I would say to anyone interested in practicing spiritual sex that this is the foundation, once you have learned to open your heart. An open heart is not enough because just loving someone does not mean you will tell the truth in the moment and often you might do just the opposite. We have so little training in self-disclosure in this culture and so many relationships are enmeshed in the belief that "if you can't say anything nice, doesn't say anything at all" (until so much resentment has built up you can't stand it). This belief stifles saying the most important words that need expression to allow sex to become REAL.
Once you have become good at expressing your truth without judgment, you can try it during sex. This takes a lot of skill, since our culture has many beliefs, all based on the performance model, about what "should" and "should not" be expressed during sex. The kind of truth I have been discussing connects us deeply to ourselves and our partner and it is that connection that leads to a feeling of transparency, where we are so open and vulnerable that we are fully engaged and responsive to our beloved.