THE BLOG

The Best Way to Attract a Relationship

03/17/2015 08:35 am ET | Updated May 16, 2015

If someone posted the following profile on an on-line dating site, how successful do you think they would be in finding a great partner?

I'm getting old (39). I'm scared that my biological clock will run out. I desperately want to be married. My opinion of men is generally negative. Most of my dates cheat on me, or just don't show up. I believe that most men are only interested in physical appearance. I really don't trust men. I don't have many hobbies. I don't think I'm very good at conversation. I am unhappy living alone. All I can think of is finding "the one." I don't believe it will ever happen. I don't think men find me attractive. I feel miserable about dating. I have low self-esteem. I feel lonely in my own company.

Would you want to connect with this person?

But here's what's odd about all of this. This particular profile describes the thought patterns of one of my clients who I will call Nancy. And it just so happens, that Nancy is actually attractive, kind, loving, ethical. She has a high-powered career. She works hard. She owns her own condo. She's financially independent, and she loves family.

Despite all of the good stuff she has going for her, Nancy is holding onto some strong negative beliefs about men, dating, and herself, that are keeping the thing she wants most away from her. Her belief system is what makes up her dominant vibration, and therein is the reason she's not a match for the great, single men of this world.

As her coach, my work with Nancy is to help her replace her negative thinking with a brand new set of beliefs that will make her FEEL better about men, dating and herself. But, there's the rub! It's not easy to suddenly start thinking in new and empowering ways. But even more difficult is convincing Nancy that changing her beliefs is the solution to her problem.

But that's precisely the work she has to do if she wants to experience different results. It's not about getting thinner or sexier; it's not about going on more dates; and it's not about hanging out in places where there are more guys. Nancy may appear like a good catch on the outside, but it's what she's feeling inside (her vibration) that's being broadcast to the world.

Changing a thought pattern is akin to having root canal work. Thoughts go deep. They can be painful. And like a unwanted house guest, they can live with us for years. They get in the way of our well-being. But then one day you just end up getting cozy with them. They become part of us. We expect them to hang around. And god damit. They justify where we are in life.

Here's what I told Nancy to do:

Step 1: When a negative thought pops up in your head, just notice it, watch it as if it was an annoying person. Say to yourself: there's that annoying house guest again. Become curious about it. Notice how it makes you feel crappy. Notice the sting it has on you. Distinguish IT from YOU.

Step 2: Tell yourself at that moment that you are choosing NOT to believe it even though it feels real. Talk back to the thought and call it a liar. Thoughts that make you feel bad are all LIES.

Step 3: Think of another thought on the same topic that counters the negative thought. For example: Men can't be trusted. Think of examples of men you know who are happily married and in committed relationships. The trick here is to find evidence that supports this claim. Come up with evidence that is believable and true. The mind is always looking for supporting evidence. Find it.

All of this takes work, but it requires no more persistence and commitment than going to the gym and maintaining your physical attractiveness. It just takes focus. And very soon, you'll wake up one morning and notice that your annoying houseguest has checked out.

Digging up and dissolving a negative thought is one of the most powerful things you can do. But unfortunately, Nancy doesn't quite believe that yet. She still thinks that finding a great guy is about looking great while she pounds the social pavement. But Nancy my dear, how's that been working for ya?

This process will change your life. Forever.