'Friending' PRISM: If You Can't Beat 'Em, Like 'Em

CEO Mark Zuckerberg posted this message from his personal Facebook account: "Facebook is not and has never been part of any program to give the U.S. or any other government direct access to our servers. We have never received a blanket request or court order from any government agency asking for information or metadata in bulk, like the one Verizon reportedly received. And if we did, we would fight it aggressively. We hadn't even heard of PRISM before yesterday."

Conversation recorded between Lt. Gen. Keith B. Alexander, director of the National Security Agency, and Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook.

Alexander: Hey Marky-Mark, whassup, bro?

Zuckerberg: Who the hell is this?

Alexander: It's me, Keith. Keith Alexander. Sorry, is this a bad time?

Zuckerberg: It's two o'clock in the morning. Why are you calling me?

Alexander: The guys and I are having a helluva time trying to figure out how to set up a Facebook Page for PRISM. I thought you could give us a hand.

Zuckerberg: Why would you want to have a Facebook Page for PRISM? Isn't the whole idea to be, like, undercover?

Alexander: We're getting an awful lot of bad press. This would help our image. If people saw us as real people they would learn to like us.

Zuckerberg: But you're not real people. You're a covert data-collecting program that is able to tap into public sources with or without probable cause.

Alexander: Ah, c'mon Marky-Mark, be a pal.

Zuckerberg: And stop calling me that! That's not me, that's Wahlberg.

Alexander: You didn't do the underwear thing?

Zuckerberg: I certainly did not!

Alexander: Sorry, sorry. Sometimes my people make mistakes. [Aside to someone: "I thought you said Zuckerberg was an underwear model at one time. Check your facts next time, you idiot!]" So Mark, can you help me with this Facebook thing?

Zuckerberg: Make it quick. What do you want to know?

Alexander: OK, first of all, photos. I don't know if I should do just a picture of me with my dog Frannie, or if I should post a bunch of shots of the group. For example, I've got a super one of 15 of us crammed into a surveillance van.

Zuckerberg: How about just a single picture of one big ear?

Alexander: That's harsh. You're not understanding me, Mark. Our goal is to make as many friends and get as many "likes" as we can.

Zuckerberg: I hate to break it to you Keith, but I don't think that's going to happen too soon.

Alexander: How about we pay a little something to create an ad to get more people to "like" our page? We're talking one small space ad to run one day only.

Zuckerberg: What do you mean by a little something?

Alexander: Listen, buddy this is being recorded so I can't be specific. But take your zip code and add all the numbers together and multiply by five hundred.

Zuckerberg: Give me a second. [Pause] Wow! That's a lot for just one ad.

Alexander: Hey, it's for a good cause. Now can I ask you one more favor?

Zuckerberg: Name it, mon général.

Alexander: We'd like to put the following on our page: PRISM would like to access your public profile, friend list, email address, News Feed, birthday, status updates, check-ins, hometown, current city, photos, videos, website, personal description and your friends' birthdays, status updates, checkins, hometowns, current cities, photos, videos, websites and personal descriptions. PRISM would like to access your data at any time.

Zuckerberg: Not a problem.

Alexander: Zuck-Man, guess what? You're our first friend!