THE BLOG
06/03/2013 01:40 pm ET Updated Aug 03, 2013

To Crown or Not to Crown? The Battle Over the Royal Birth

Kim has been seeing a hypnotherapist to help her deal with her anxiety about giving birth. She got the idea from Kate Middleton who had been working with a hypnotherapist that helped her with morning sickness...Plus Kim really admires Kate and hopes to meet her one day and have a play date.
--Hollywood Life.

Kim: Hi, is this really you? OMG! I can't believe I actually got you on the phone.

Kate: To whom am I speaking, please?

Kim: It's Kim, Kim Kardashian of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Who did you think it was?

Kate: Actually I had no idea. My secretary just handed me the phone and said it was important.

Kim: Well, it is important. Really. I love that yellow thing outfit you wore last week. You look amazing. Except I have to be honest I don't get the hat thing. Don't they just ruin your hair? You have such amazing hair. Speaking of hair, you know your hubby doesn't have to go around so bald like he does. My stepfather has a great guy in LA who does these weaves. I swear you can swim in them.

Kate: Forgive me, but can I ask you the purpose of your call?

Kim: Oh, honey, you can ask me the purpose of anything. I absolutely idolize you. Really, honest to God. The way you talk. It's amazing. I wish I could learn to talk that way. If I could just lose all this baby weight and get a British accent my career would be amazing.

Kate: I'm so sorry. But I have an appointment with my obstetrician. I really must ring off.

Kim: Your obstetrician? Oh, that's why I called. I have a little favor. You're due in July right?

Kate: That's correct.

Kim: Me, too. And here's the thing-- I'm wondering if you could ask your doctor if he could do a C-section in late June. All my friends do C-sections and the babies come out so much cuter.

Kate: Apparently, you know very little about childbirth.

Kim: That's not true. I watched all about it on YouTube.

Kate: Let me explain: Non-medically indicated childbirth such as a C-section before 39 weeks gestation carries significant risks for the baby with no known benefit to the mother. My plan is to deliver when the baby wants to be born.

Kim: What about late August? Babies love to be born then. It's beach time. And it'll be a Virgo. Virgos are so creative and sensitive.

Kate: I'm afraid what you're asking is impossible.

Kim: Listen, as a brand new mother you don't want have to share pages on People. Please, talk to your doctor, O.K.? Both of us due at the same time is really stressing me out.

Kate: The stress will pass, I promise you. During the later stages of gestation there is an increase in abundance of Oxytocin which evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate.

Kim: Oh, no! I'm not taking any drugs. Not even Oxytocin, as nice as it sounds.

Kate: Oxytocin is a natural hormone. It's not a drug.

Kim: Too bad. That sounded like something Kanye might have liked. Are you sure you won't change your mind about the birthing date?

Kate: I'm sorry. I just can't.

Kim: Well, People will just have to a special double issue. They love doing that anyway. Are you going to breast feed yourself or are you going to get one of your people to do it?

Kate: Oh, I'll do it, of course.

Kim: I only ask because I've just had such bad press with my big butt. I know they're gonna go to town with Kim, the Dairy Queen. It's already stressing me out.

Kate: You'll be fine. I know you will. Best of luck with your baby.

Kim: Thanks. You too. You really are amazing. I'm naming the baby after you.

Kate: Why, thank you.

Kim: Middleton is such a cool name.

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.