Stay Thin? Or Stay Sane? Heath Decided For Me

I canceled an appointment with my psychiatrist for today, and for that I have Heath Ledger to thank. That sounds a little crazy. So I'll explain.

Over the past month or so I have been putting on what I call my Huff Pounds: weight I have gained since I had the temerity to write recently about my spectacular, glorious weight loss, in "How I Lost All That Junk (Inside My Trunk)." I could tell myself that my waistline is facing karmic retribution from readers who didn't buy my diet strategy (this post's for you, ResidentCynic! I'm picturing you rubbing your hands together in glee, as is your right). But the truth is, I know why I've gained weight, and it's not because I'm eating more. It's because I recently doubled my anti-depressant. I was about to go to the shrink to either cut the dose, or switch drugs in hopes of shedding the Huff Pounds (and we're talking only a few pounds here). Enter Heath Ledger.

I didn't know Heath Ledger, obviously. I am not a psychiatrist. He very well could have died of natural causes. I can only tell you my gut reaction, which was that he was suffering from depression of some sort, and perhaps that will turn out to be wrong. Regardless, my instinct, warranted or not, drove me to put the Huff Pounds aside and take a rigorous account of my own mental health.

I know that many still believe that depression is a lifestyle choice for chronic complainers. I know they think that, because I used to secretly suspect that, until my son was born 3 years ago and I was so overcome by love, hormones and anxiety that I stopped sleeping, eating (a first for me) and feeling alive. I had had problems in the past, but this felt a few levels away from life-threatening. My husband said "you look dead. Your face looks dead." My baby's cries terrified me. I had panic attacks. I stopped returning phone calls. I stopped caring about watching McLaughlin Group (I'm serious, this is a depression litmus test for me). I only had the energy to care about one person's appearance, and that was my son's, not my own.

Within months, anti-depressants had saved me. The faraway stare was gone, the panic, at least part of the insomnia. But the tricky thing with the meds is that the better you feel, the more you begin to think you don't need them. About 2 years ago, I went off. I soon cratered again, and went back on a low dose. I vowed to never go off them again (and I won't) but at the low dose, I was still careening up and down. At a particularly bad time some months ago, I doubled my dose. And I haven't felt this good since before I had my son.

I am now sleeping better than I have in years. I am a peppy room parent at pre-school. I have been so productive with my writing work that I've been terrorizing editors on both coasts with my creative bounty (perhaps they wouldn't mind if I cut my dosage just a touch...). I've lost a lot of social anxiety, and what have I gained? A few measly pounds. Again, a forgetful arrogance began to sneak back in, the better I felt. Vanity is a sure sign that my mind is in proper working order.

I soon made the appointment to perhaps cut my dose or change the drug. I wouldn't go off the pills, ever. But changing them is a risk, for me at least. Even a few days of acute depression is a few too many. Then came Heath.

I focused in like a laser on bits of his story: his own mention of serious insomnia, that he couldn't stop his mind from racing. He was by all accounts besotted with his toddler and apparently very troubled by his separation from her.

I decided to go back and reread some of the emails from my "down times", as I call them, and they scared me, as well they should. I only found the energy to talk to a few best friends. I said "I'm down. I'm really really down. I can't sleep at all. I might need to see you." For a recovering Catholic, it takes a lot for me to ask for anything, especially help, even from best friends. Then I looked at a depression check list I made for my husband, what he needs to do if I have another "down time." The first item says this: "when I'm going down, help me call the shrink and push for a quick appointment. Make sure I get to the appointment, as in go in late to work if that's what it takes." I saw also that I noted in this file my down times from last 2 years, periods of a few weeks in which I lost and then gained back 7-10 pounds each time: Oct. '06, Dec. '06, Mar. '07, May '07, Sept. '07. Is this something I want to go through again?

The picture that moved me most in this Heath Ledger tragedy is the image of the name "Matilda" drawn into the pavement in front of the Brooklyn brownstone where Ledger first lived with his daughter and her mother. Now matter how Ledger died, the two-year-old will grow up without her doting and remarkably talented dad.

As for me, the meds are staying exactly where they are, because the most important man in my life doesn't care what I weigh. He's about a year older than Matilda, and his name is Frank.

Comments

[PatA]

I sure wish that someone at Huffpost could write a story without mentioning Heath Ledger. It would so be nice just to leave his spirit and the broken hearts of his family alone.

[Trilby]

Your previous column about losing weight by giving up exercise and food you hate (salads) was pretty silly and I am not at all surprised it came back.

But here's the thing about antidepressants: yes they work great and you feel so much better you think you can get off them, but you really can't UNLESS and UNTIL you have also have some therapy. A good therapist will help you to build on your "feeling better" and help you learn strategies to deal with life's ups and downs so that someday you can stop taking antidepressants. Not everyone, ok, not the severely depressed, but I think you will find that the combination of antidepressants and a weekly therapy session will do more for you than antidepressants alone. I think most doctors will tell you that that's how they are meant to be used.

[lindakeenan]

hi all - interesting responses and id like to throw out this idea: is it possible that your brain is perhaps just like any other organ and that for some people it needs medication to remain in working order? of course not every solution fits every person. but they have worked for me. im surprised that ive only gotten one email taking me to task for my vanity which is really what this was more about. and nothing about making assumptions about heath ledger's mental health which is something i wrestled with. i did not expect that this would be a referendum on anti-depressants. that's quite intriguing to me.
i'd throw out one more rhetorical: if they work for me and im more stable than ive ever been, why WOULD i go off them? thanks for reading everyone!

[susan21]

Why do any of you feel that this is an either/or situation? Taking medication for mental health issues or leading a holistic life that includes a complete lack of any kind of chemical medication? There is a novel approach being pioneered by Dr. Judith Orloff, http://www.drjudithorloff.com/positiveEnergy.asp
which combines both approaches to mental health. Dr. Orloff is a board-certified psychiatrist and a teacher of alternative health practices. She is well respected by both communities and her methods have brought considerable change to those with minds that are open enough to accept both approaches.

[lehrbob007]

I struggled with Major depression for 22 years. At first I played with them - being told "work on the spiritual problem and the mental problem will correct itself". What hogwash! Had a complete nervous breakdown eventually and went on various meds with little sucsess - just kept me off the floor! Was told it was "anger turned inward"! Balderdash! Self-loathing was just a manifestation of the disorder. A Buddhist friend said they called it "Loss of Heart" and there was inherently "no blame". THAT REALLY DID HELP! Finally after 16 yrs tried an older "less effective" med and lo-and-behold! My life GRADUALLY has changed for the better by magnitudes!!!!! I've heard "those who know the deepest despair can also know the deepest joy!". Well, it's true! I can always think back to those days curled up on the couch in an agonizing ball for hours at a time, and get some gratitude. Good thing I didn't off myself like I wanted to 10,000 times! Such torment! The Buddhist also say "If you kill yourself the killer remains!" which was instrumental in my staying alive and challenged the belief there was relief in death of torment. Now, I've started an "unconditional self-love and forgiveness" program by and for myself (inspired partly by the Buddhist principle of compassion) and have lost 10lbs in 2 months without consciously trying! It seems the better I fell about myself the less I need to eat even while on meds.

Too bad someone commits suicide every 16 minutes in the good ol' USA(doesn't get enough press) and someone is admitted to a psych ward every 2 minutes.

Thanks for the story - there's ALOT o' ignorant people out there! Good Luck and Peace to you all!

[winkwink]

Have we really become this weight obsessed? Of course your son doesn't care about how much you weigh. Do you really believe other people in your life do? Why is your self-worth so tied to the way you look? You're obviously very smart and talented and have a child you adore. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us and every day your son has you as his soft (maybe extra soft sometimes) place to land, that is a day worth celebrating. Sometimes with cake. Sometimes with music and a treadmill.

[lindakeenan]

ummm, had i not taken anti-depressants, i might well have never written this nor had the ability to respond, because i might be dead right now.
lungfish - completely agree on the anxiety issue and my anti depressants work on the anxiety. i actually really appreciate many of the arguments that people make about throwing pills at a problem that is not that simple except i have found that for me it was that simple. i dont believe that anyone who recommends eating organic food has ever gone through acute depression. if this works for me and this is obviously a huge problem why would i stop? would i stop taking blood pressure medication? would you recommend that too?

[lungfish]

Hi,
I enjoyed your article about losing wieght and I empathize strongly with the issues about anti-depressants and wieght gain.
I wanted to share something with you about depression as I did Zoloft for a number of years. It was the smartest thing I ever did because it gave me a few good days in a row, having never experienced that in my entire life... I won't go into a lot of detail, suffice it to say that growing up in a single parent home with no mother and a mentally and physically challenged little brother created a lot of issues for me.
The breakthrough came not from Zoloft and dealing with depression but from dealing with a key word that you glossed over in your article above... ANXIETY...­. insomnia, stress, fear are all aspects of anxiety and when it all comes together and you feel unsafe and like you can't protect yourself you feel depressed.
When I learned to identify anxiety as the enemy and focused on coping with that my life made a turnaround. Depression is the go-nowhere culdesac at the end of the road but anxiety is the road to the dead-end..­.. hope you understand what I am saying.
When it was clear to me that anxiety was the problem I was able to recognize it and then was able to engage it directly. Sure it took awhile to get away from Zoloft and you should never do it without help from a mental health pro but the more I faced the true demon the better I got at dealing with it.
It never goes away but it doesn't have to run your life. You can teach yourself to deal with it over time and you can do it successfully.
For me, the next step after seeing the real enemy was to notice it whenever it cropped up and then to engage it by reinforcing memories of times when anxiety wasn't present. The choices one makes in life get better and the results of those choices further reinforce skills in anxiety management.

[shano]

Read the recent studies on antidepressants. Not much better than placebo...­..so why have you conviced yourself you need to be on them for the rest of your life?

The holistic approach takes longer, takes active effort, but you will not have the weight gain and you will have a much better recovery. Fight for your health! Dont become a passive drug addict.

Manage your lifestyle instead. Stop eating corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup. Go organic. Eat a natural diet. But most importantly, get your exercise. Make it a priority in your daily life.

And in the winter, get a full spectrum light for some light therapy.

Dont count on long term drug use to 'cure' you. It only makes you a guinea pig for big pharmacuticals. They dont know the long term effects of any of these drugs.

Been there, tried the drugs, but lifestyle management works much, much better.

[camb94]

Linda,
As someone who has battled depression her entire life, I can truly sympathize with you. That said, I can also, honestly say that prozac changed my life. I was on it for about 10 years. However, I do believe, that there is a downside to the drugs (lack of sexual interest, gaining weight). And I don't think that you have to stay on them forever. Some of the newer ones are much nastier to wean from and create problems in going off of them that are quite devastating. However, I also believe (and have lived through this), that I was able to go off prozac and have lived depression free for over a year now. I truly believe that the prozac helped my brain grow healthier pathways and that the drug "cured" me. Ultimately, I think that you should stay on the drugs as long as you think you need them, and get help when you decide to get off them. But I don't think that they are something you have to stay on for the rest of your life.