While our culture gets criticized for being too pro-divorce, I'd like to counter that criticism and say we are a culture of over-tolerance. We tolerate bad behavior and bad relationships for far too long.
We are rewarded for "sticking it out" and are scolded by our society if we don't. I am often amazed to hear what my clients and readers tolerate in a marriage, and how they feel guilty for even having thoughts of ending the relationship.
Perhaps religion, our childhood influencers or the media interfere with our definition of a good marriage versus a bad one. To me, it's pretty simple. One makes you happy and the other makes you miserable.
But first, let's define a good marriage:
- You are each other's best friend. You like to do things together and enjoy being in each other's company, even if it's the most mundane event.
No marriage is perfect, but hopefully your marriage reflects some or all of the above points.
But what if it doesn't? How do you know if your marriage is in real turmoil versus just having a few bumps in the road?
Here are some signs you are in a bad marriage:
- You are fearful of rage over the smallest problem. You are verbally abused or worse, physically abused, following an incident that an average person may perceive as minor. Your partner can't handle stress and takes everything out on you to where you walk on egg shells and avoid all conflict.
If you find yourself in this latter category, ask yourself, "Why am I putting up with this? Don't I deserve better?" Do all you can to immerse each other in counseling and problem solving, but if your situation does not improve, you don't have to tolerate it, just because you're married. If you feel guilty for ending it, you should feel more guilty that you let yourself be treated poorly.
Over-tolerance of bad behavior is largely ignored by our culture and instead, we are praised for enduring it. You are allowed to set healthy boundaries for yourself and whoever taught you otherwise is just plain wrong. If you find yourself nodding in acknowledgement that your marriage is really bad, get out now.
You are worth so much more.
Lindsey Ellison is a women's divorce and break up coach, and specializes in helping them break free from their narcissistic partners. For more information, click here.