I don't believe in pity parties. Did I choose the single mom life? No. Is it one of the hardest things I've ever done? You bet. But it's where I am, and I'm trying to make the best of it. For those reasons, I try to limit my thoughts and social media posts and writings that ring out, "Woe is me, the single mother." In fact, for my four-year-old and two-year-old, this is the only life they know--a mom and dad who both love them but live in separate houses.
But I remember "the before." I remember what it was like to be part of a parenting team. And while I refuse to spend a lot of time dwelling on what I don't have, moments arise that make me miss the joint effort, the teammate who could step up when the other was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. The following list is four times I've missed having this parenting partner the most.
When Sickness Strikes: Toddlers and preschoolers are emotionally charged and demanding little creatures on a good day. Throw in a fever, the sniffles, and some throwing up, and the days will seem to last for years (let's not even discuss night duty). Not to mention, the custodial parent will likely be the one calling off work. And God forbid Mom gets sick. I vividly remember bathing both of my children while simultaneously vomiting in the toilet. While others will (hopefully) offer to help, it won't be as easy as yelling downstairs to the other parent.
The Proud Moments: A few weeks ago, the kids and I were at the park. I pulled out my phone, as I love to hyper-document their lives, and I asked my two-year-old daughter how she spelled her name. To my utter delight and surprise, she spelled her name correctly. I was so proud. And while I quickly told everyone I knew via text and Facebook, I remember sharing those moments intimately first with exclamations of, "We made that!" and "We must be doing something right!"
The Rough Nights and Early Mornings: I love my sleep. I also enjoy staying up late after the kids go to bed to read, write, and (mostly) watch Netflix. When my son has a nightmare or my daughter wakes up before 6 a.m. (a.k.a. the mornings I question whether she's mine), there is no other person to nudge to say, "Hey, can you get this one?" I really miss that, but on the upside, coffee and I have developed a very healthy relationship.
The Extended Family Reunion: I didn't expect this one to bother me. I've attended countless birthday parties, cookouts, and church functions by myself without a second thought. Maybe it was the invasive questions about my romantic life or watching the other dads play and feed and care for the children, I'm not sure. Whatever the cause, I felt a tinge of sadness that my kids were accompanied by just one parent and not two.
While there is often a lot of discussion about how difficult single parenthood can be, it seems we often focus on the logistics--how to take care of everyone and still have a social life, how to be a good parent and develop a career at the same time, how to budget as a single parent. But there is an emotional burden that is often overlooked--the burden that comes with knowing that you're doing the job of two, the burden of experiencing the hard moments and beautiful ones alike on your own. As single parents, we should acknowledge this burden more often and more openly because we are not alone--your sacrifice is not unnoticed, and your feelings are valid. You may be a single parent, but you are not alone.