For years I assumed my older son was like my husband. After all, they looked exactly the same. So I decided he would have his Dad's love of math and science, and his same ordered approach to learning, and his general left brain existence.
Slowly, however, it dawned that my boy was actually ME with my husband's face. He was a dreamer, a storyteller, and he led with his emotions. This took a little recalibration and adjustment.
Then my younger son came along. I'd learned my lesson this time. I looked for bits of me and bits of his Dad, and it took a while to hit me that he was neither of us. He was entirely his own creation. Funnier than anyone in the house. More stubborn (and that's saying a lot given his genetics.) Moving entirely at his own pace (try to rush him, he slows down.) At home in the world in a way his parents certainly weren't at his age.
When expectations for your children clash with their reality is the subject of a wonderful piece by the always thought-provoking Sue Shellenbarger in the Wall Street Journal recently. Specifically she focusses her lens on families where the parents are hard-driving Type A personalities and the children are more mellow Type Bs. Or vice-versa.
She writes:
When parents and children are temperamental opposites, the results can be explosive. Type A parents, driven by nature, often have to ease up on Type B kids, who are more dreamy and mellow. When the pattern is reversed, relaxed Type B parents often feel outpaced by revved-up Type A offspring. These matchups can cause conflict beyond the normal parenting challenges, and solutions may require parents to adjust expectations and tactics.
This particular category of personality disconnect, she writes, is made all the more fraught by the looming "finish line" of parenting: college admissions.
As she writes:
Jim Lin, of Los Angeles, a business-development director for a software company, was raised by an ambitious Tiger Mom. He grew up consumed with homework, learning Chinese, piano and violin. He is competitive, so the approach suited him in some ways, and he graduated from Harvard. "I realized my parents' dreams," he says. But it wasn't until college that he discovered his passion for martial arts.He has resolved to raise his Type B son Marcus, age 9, differently. "My challenge raising a son is to find that fine line between letting him do things that will eventually get him into college versus letting him be a kid," Mr. Lin says. He consciously tempers his Type A tendencies and encourages Marcus to discover his own passions by trying various sports and hobbies.
But alphabetical dischordancy is not the only way to be out of synch with your child. And college is not the only reason to find the sweet spot between their personality and yours. There are parents who are extroverts and children who are introverts, and vice versa. Parents who are artists and children who are athletes, and the other way around. Parents who raise children with different gender preference, and political worldviews and religious comfort zones.
One of the central joys of parenting can be discovering who your child truly is. And one of the greatest discomforts can be realizing that they really aren't an extension of you.
Are you and your children antonyms or synonyms? How do you navigate the gap?
growingsideways.wordpress.com
A blog about fatherhood and family life
I think all parents, type-A or type-B, need to supply structure for children in a way that is respectful. By "structure", I mean that little kids don't know what they need to know. It's an adults' job to supply that. By "respectful", I mean that the structure should be task oriented, explanations should be offered as age appropriate, and parents' egos should not be involved. Generally, I would expect type B parents to struggle with structure and type A parents to struggle with respect.
A kids' temperament tends to define the kind of structure they need. Type-A kids need opportunities to kick back and learn for fun. Type-B kids need the practice of effort to see that its rewarding.
At least, that's the way I think about it in theory. In practice, I often find myself just staring blankly at my boys, wondering where the heck they came from. What seems so straightforward is really a terribly sloppy process, filled with uncertainty and error, with a collateral lesson in forgiveness.
I know this may not make communication any easier for the two of you on some occasions but it is my dream to raise my children who are passionate about their beliefs.
It is our job to rise to the level of our child's will and energy, even though it may feel difficult or exhausting. Likewise it is our job to tone ourselves down if we have children who are more reserved then we are. Children don't get to choose what kind of temperaments they have, and it is the parent's job to adjust.
Sheri Noga, MA
www.grateful-child.com
When I explain to a gentle parent that their strong-willed child won't be damaged by firmer boundaries and a stronger authoritative presence, parents usually incorporate these changes. Families need to understand that when children run the show, they end up feeling insecure and out of control.
To answer your question more concisely - parents usually require some education and encouragement to be loving, yet authoritative, and then the results speak for themselves. Surprisingly, all of these changes happen relatively easily once parents have confidence that they are doing the right thing.
Sheri Noga, MA
www.grateful-child.com
As long as neither one of them grows up to be a republican, I'll be OK ;)
If they played soccer growing up, they force their kid to soccer practice every week starting at age 2.
It's not so much they are trying to live vicariously through their kids, it's just that they really don't understand that their kids are different than them.
Just because you donated the genetic material, that won't make your kid any more like you personality-wise.
A lot of miserable kids in soccer practice would be greatly helped if their parents would just try to understand this.
I'm a child of the 60's though and things are definitely overwhelmingly different now!!! Being more like one than the other back then could cause some serious discontent too. Then I had the gall to develop my OWN personality wrapped with dashes of my father...LOL.... None of this set well with my mother at all...... In the scheme of things though, it eventually came to pass years and years later with adulthood.