Buzz Bishop stepped onto the third rail of parenthood this week.
He admitted he has a favorite child.
And, as is so often the case with third rails, the response has shocked him. It has also changed him.
All this began about a week ago when the Canadian radio host and writer reminisced on Babble Kids about how his oldest son, Zacharie, was conceived just two months into his relationship with his now wife, Jennifer. Near the end of that post he wrote "If I were to be absolutely honest, my older son is my favorite of the two," because the boy opened him up to a life he never thought he would have.
Using the word "favorite" raised more than a few readers' eyebrows, leading Bishop to follow up the next day with an explanation. "Admit It, You Have A Favorite Kid. I Do." was the title of the post, and in it he wrote: "my oldest son is my favorite because he can do more things. To me, he's more fun. Â I don't love either of my sons any more than the other, but I do like them differently. I'd be willing to bet you're the same."
That just made things worse. His words were reprinted around the globe. He was called by everyone from Dr. Phil (which he declined) to Good Morning America (which he accepted.) And he spent hours reading the comments, responding to almost all of them.
Nadine Lumley said: "I think Dads who don't fall in love with their kids until they can 'do stuff' suck."
Bishop answered: "I prefer to take judgement from my friends and family and people who know me."
When Zchamu said: "When your other child reads it it's gonna stab him in the heart and any amount of your logical reasoning isn't going to fix that."
Bishop replied: "I doubt my kids will roll through the reams of thousands of posts I have written. If they do, I trust they'll have a more personal understanding of me, and where they stand than an anonymous internet commenter who has no understanding of our family dynamic."
Then, along the way, he began to change his mind.
"It does make you think, and see how what you are saying could be interpreted," he told me this morning when I reached him at home by phone. "I also see how putting this out there publicly could cause problems dowm the road if the boys read it."
It's not like he hadn't thought of that already, he said, but he'd figured, what were the odds that his boys, who are now two and five and don't know anything about Google, would read this particular post?
Almost 100 percent, he now knows.
I learned that first hand recently. I wrote a magazine article thirteen years ago about how I was the mother of two sons but had always wanted a girl. Among other things I wrote about how I was certain that my first child was Emma, and how surprised I was to meet Evan in the delivery room.
Evan is 21 now, and he happened to read that article. He knows how fiercely I love him. He knows that even in the article I wrote that I had left my wishes for a girl behind, and he could tell from knowing me every day that I never looked back. And yet, if I had stopped while I was writing to envision the look on his face when he would find out years later would I have published the article? I'm not sure that I would.
Bishop is having second thoughts too. Some are about the wording of the post, but others are about the way he parents his sons. By last night the tenor of his responses to criticism in the comments had changed. "I can say this discussion has caused me to reflect on my life and take steps to balance the scales," he wrote.
When "Good Morning America" sent a camera crew and filmed the family walking down the street together, he realized they fell into their "default roles."
"I thought, 'Holy cow, I am doing it, this is just how we always go, me taking Zacharie's hand and Jennifer taking Charlie's,'" he told me over the phone.
So, not coincidentally, when we spoke this morning, he was snuggling on the couch with the younger boy, while his wife fed the older boy breakfast. "This has definitely made me pay more attention," he said.
I hope it also makes him quiet down.
I agree with Bishop that preferring one child over another -- at least some of the time -- is something many parents feel. I also believe in the wisdom of crowds, and the responsibility parents have to each other to speak honestly rather than perpetuating the myth that everyone else is doing this parenting thing with total ease.
But more than all of that I believe there are a handful of things that should not be said in the spotlight on center stage. Only a handful. And in an era where little pitchers have big ears, magnified million fold by a technology that remembers everything, this is one of them.
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These kids are toddlers. What could the younger kid have possibly done to earn the title of ‘Second Fiddle’? And how would the author have felt if his parents had told him, ‘You know, I love you just as much as your sibling, but he’s my favorite’? It’s insensitive and asinine, and just might be abuse.
My mother used to tell me that there was a difference between being honest and being brutally frank. Buzz could have learned a thing or two from her.
Besides, your "favorite" now might fall from your graces later!
My brothers insist I was the favorite, but I just happened to be the youngest, an only girl, and born 10 years after my youngest brother. Of course, my mother did say to me that the middle child was a "pain in her butt since he was 15" but I would never, ever tell him that, even now when he is 65.
I do know my oldest son was my mother's favorite. She didn't say so, but everyone could tell. It was awkward.
We may feel what we feel, but it's not always best to let our children in on it. And now with the Internet we have to think far into the future when we consider our words. That's not easy at all. But if it gives us pause to think before we post then perhaps it's worth the effort.
Peace to all of you and to all of yours.
Obviously if his boy reads this at anytime he will may feel angry, hurt, etc. But if dad starts as of today to try to treat him equally then if and when the child reads it, they may just be able to have a candid talk about it and move on.
Notice how the word changes from mother to parent when it is bad for mommy.
My sons, likewise, have both waxed and waned in their own ways as my 'favorite of the moment'. It's not an unusual emotional response to the various joys and stresses of being a parent to two different, individual people. What seems to be shocking is articulating that reality out loud to the Cyber Sisters who have nothing better to do than wail and gnash and swarm in a mass attack on the person who says what is undoubtedly a reality in their own lives, too.
If Bishop mananged to get something good out of the attack by exploring new ways to be with his 'not favorite' son, good on him. He may even go through a period of 'liking' the younger one the best.
However, if a *child* ever found this out? Could you even imagine how damaging that it? A child's emotions are far more simplistic. Like and love haven't really been separated out yet..That's why kids are so fickle, emotional maturity hasn't really taught them what's important and what's not--so they crave it all. (Heck, even negative attention is often wanted.)
However, hearing that you're somehow lacking attention from your parent that is being directed on your sibling? A child will only equate that with the fact that he is loved less. Don't try to view this through your adult lens--remember, the controversy here is the child, given the internet, might one day read those words.
Buzz Bishop should really put in the extra effort to keep his heart open and learn enough about his younger son that he falls in love with him too. The problem I had with the statement is that it felt like he was "cementing" his older son's place within the family, with no flexibility for things to ebb and flow and move and change.
It is almost as if he is "branding" his first child with the moniker "favorite." When you brand something you psychologically begin to relate to that thing in a certain way. You can't help it. Subconciously, he will treat the child that way, the older child begins to act that way and everyone around begins to fall in line with that dynamic. Think about it, there is inevitable behavior that comes with publically/offically giving someone the title CEO, Mayor, Chief, Lieutenant, etc. He officially "swore in" this child as Favorite Son by bestowing him that title all over the internet. That is the problem I had with the public statement.