What College Students Think Of Their Hovering Parents

I returned to my alma mater earlier this year to watch Freshman Move In through the eyes of a parent. Then I wrote about it for the school alumni magazine:

After all, it is the parents who are most different decades later. True, there are changes in the process: Everything is far more organized than I remember, with signs on the buildings and large rolling orange carts to help ferry mountains of stuff from car to dorm. There are changes in technology -- huge stereo speakers have given way to huge flat screens. But the biggest change is the roles of Mom and Dad. A drama in which they once had bit parts now has become much about them.

'In my generation, you went to college to spend time away from your parents and make decisions [and] live your life without checking in more than once a week, if that,' says Robert K. Durkee '69, who has spent virtually his entire career at Princeton and is now the University's vice president and secretary. 'For this generation, it is much more like their parents have come to college with them, and both the students and the parents seem to enjoy the opportunity to share the experience.'

Share the experience. Bob (who I first interviewed back when I wrote for the school newspaper and he'd recently joined the administration) has always been diplomatic.

Students, though, might use another word, and in a companion piece to my article, the Princeton Alumni Weekly sent Angela Wu '12 out with videographer Brett Tomlinson, to ask students how their parents look through their eyes. By her account we are well-meaning but a bit clueless. They seem to think we are cute. It could be worse.

How would your college kid describe you? How often do you speak to them while they're away? When you call do they answer?

 

Comments

[D Pelletier]

06:07 PM on 12/15/2011

I think each child is different. My daughter used to call or text me most days while walking to class. Usually just to share a story, comment on a TV show we both enjoyed or ask how I was doing (I was living alone at the time.) She is very organized , did well in school and very rarely called with a problem or for advice. My son rarely called unless he needed something, if 2 weeks went by without hearing from him I would text "Are you still alive?" All in all I wish I had pushed myself into my son's life a bit more but I didn't want to be a helicopter parent.

[Jan Baer]

06:31 PM on 12/13/2011

While a little off the topic, I have to say that if my daughter hadn't hounded the grants and loans people, having to say she was her daughter, the college student, my granddaughter would not have been able to register, get a room (the school is very isolated and hard to get to), register for her classes, or continue in the sports that she was receiving the grants for! This is a state college, very underfunded, and only 2 people working for thousands of students. Important to know what is happening; good to take the lead from the student, though. www.grandparentoptions.com

[LauraRoeStevens]

01:03 PM on 12/13/2011

You know, I was talking with a 70-year-old woman just last week about this phenomenon. She was saying that she thought kids weren't growing up and garnering much needed independence and confidence due to all the technology today that allows mommy to text, skype, call the cell every day. She was saying, "In my day, if you had a semester abroad, you didn't talk with your parents for an entire month!" And you know what, she thought it was a good experience. Thanks Lisa for writing about this. I wonder if I'll be a hovering mom when my oldest goes to school or if I'll be able to let go a bit and let him spread his wings?

[jzzy55]

02:31 PM on 12/13/2011

In the 70s I went 1000 miles away to a state university. I well remember the once-a-week (Sunday evening) phone calls and the occasional letters or postcards. It was lonely and I could have used more support, in hindsight. I remember feeling jealous of kids whose parents drove up on weekends to take them shopping and out to eat, but on the other hand my out of state friends and I looked down on in-state kids who went home frequently. What was the point of "going away to college" if you went home every other weekend and Mom still did your laundry?
While hovering may be new, there have always been kids who lived at home or went home frequently and did not live independently of their parents, though perhaps readers who attended private colleges don't know that. Having attended a state university, I knew many kids who were just a few hours from home and they did go home regularly. I on the other hand went home for Thanksgiving, Christmas break and spring break only.

[caren29]

12:33 PM on 12/13/2011

After dropping our freshman daughter at school in late August, she made it very clear that she needed to break the ties for a while. She asked us not to text, email, or call too much. She called once in a blue moon (usually with a question or need) and we tried hard, despite the struggle since we missed her so much, to respect her need for independence. About midway through the semester, we noticed a change. She'd call to say hi when walking to a class (though she never had more than 3 minutes to chat), and started texting and emailing, and no longer complained if we reached out. We discussed it over Thanksgiving, and she explained that it was hard for her to meld her two worlds and speaking to us made her miss us, even though she was feeling very happy at school. I'm glad we don't have to hold back anymore, but also glad we gave her the space she needed.

[TAMBER]

10:32 AM on 12/13/2011

We helped our son move to college across the country in August for his freshman year at college. We stayed in the vicinity for about four days. We did shopping for him (with his permission) after seeing his dorm room and discussing and figuring out, with him, what he needed. He was happy to have us help him get settled and ready. We speak about once a week. He does return our calls and we email a couple times a week....

[3in1]

10:22 AM on 12/13/2011

Foster the independence. Parents should be backups.

[jzzy55]

10:21 AM on 12/13/2011

We text briefly either by phone or by Facebook, and have a few short cell phone conversations/week. Occasionally he'll call very late at night when he's tired and a bit homesick to complain about this or that. Just to vent. Mostly we check in with him and offer support, and I send him the occasional cell phone photo of our dogs or something around town I know he would find interesting/amusing -- his friend's little sister, or photos of the late October snowstorm damage...

I guess I'm doing OK because one morning I came downstairs, looked at my phone, saw I had a text message from 2 am, and discovered it said, "I love you Mom!".