Divorce lawyers have long known that the holiday season leads to an uptick in business. There's nothing like being surrounded by messages of love and joy to realize that those things are missing from your life. As more of us live out loud and online, it would follow that more of life's bumps and bruises would appear there, too, and over the past few weeks a number of well-followed bloggers, who write often about their families, have used those blogs to announce trouble in their marriages.
First Ali Edwards, who writes about memory-keeping (and about parenting an autistic child) had this to say on December 15: "It's always been my goal to authentically share my story...in this online space. As many of you have noticed, and some have commented and emailed, Chris has been mostly absent for some time from the stories and photos. He has decided that he wants something different with his life and we are in the process of getting a divorce."
Next, on January 1, financial blogger JD Roth wrote on his personal website, Folded Space: "... the last six weeks have been very difficult. In fact, they've been the darkest days of my life. And the start of 2012 is going to be a challenge. Why? Six weeks ago, I asked my wife for a divorce. I'm not going to discuss the whys and wherefores of this decision on the internet. Kris and I are both experiencing enough stress as it is. I'll only say that there's no acute crisis here: nobody's cheating on anyone, and nobody's doing anything rash."
Then, on Tuesday, Heather Armstrong, the Queen of the Mom-Bloggers -- possibly the most trafficked personal blogger on the internet -- told her her 100,000 daily readers at dooce.com that she and her husband, Jon, had agreed to a trial separation.
Actually she did't use that phrase. Jon did, on his blog, Blurbomat (which he also used to explain that he would be leaving work at the company the couple own together, and that he would appreciate leads on a new job and a new place to live).
This is a chance for me to work on some stuff. That's how I'm approaching this. I'm also approaching this as a time for therapy, for recovery and for stopping the codependency. As I've written before, living with someone with depression & anxiety means some gymnastics for any partner. Lest you think this is solely about that lone issue or issues stemming from Heather's mental health, I am plenty to blame for this state of things.
For those who are not regular readers, Heather became an internet sensation in part because of the depression and anxiety her husband mentions; in 2004 she admitted herself into a psychiatric facility to be treated for post-partum depression and she blogged through her downward spiral.
As is her way -- the blogosphere's way -- Heather also shared other exquisitely personal thoughts, including some very specific thoughts of suicide:
I had put Leta to bed, and then somehow I was standing in the garage with a dog leash in my hand looking up at a pipe running along the ceiling. I don't remember walking from her room down the stairs, but I looked around at all of this, all of this that I hold together -- all of this that is supposed to be perfect and satisfying and perhaps even enviable -- and the dog leash made sense. The only way out of my unhappiness was to take myself out of it. The only way out. The only way.I was sane enough to walk away from that moment, one that occurred a while ago, and standing up to that hopelessness has only made me stronger. But I'm still trying to figure out how I got to the garage in the first place. Because this isn't a chemical issue. I wish a pill would make all this ongoing, unbearable pain go away.
My first thought while reading was concern for Heather. With her history of depression it is frightening to hear that she is thinking like that.
On the heels of that was the feeling that I shouldn't be reading this. It is none of my business. It is too intimate, too personal, too raw, too...much.
And yet, the very fact that these bloggers have a community with which to share the bad things is a measure of the reality that the meaning of the word intimate has been redefined. They've shared everything else with us about their marriage, it is only logical that they should also share the end.
How much is more than you want to know? Is the blogosphere at its best when it serves as a group therapy session? Or at its worst?
At that time nobody enforced child support so I let it go. I didn't badmouth my kids' dads and I never refused visitation for either them or the extended families. I kept communication open with my kids & their families and we basically stayed friends because everyone loved those three boys so much nobody wanted to rock the boat.
It wasn't easy and I was really glad that I had girlfriends that I could blow off steam to rather than involve my sons.
I see so much anguish going around with the way divorce is handled by parents and all I want to do is beg people to make their kids' lives easier through this. You can get married again; your kids have only two parents that they desperately want to keep.
The idea that he would leave his job to help her run the site SO THEY COULD BE A FAMILY AND BE TOGETHER was a great idea, if not for the fact that she took the exposure it gave them to become a 'star'.
I hope that he was the one who finally tired of the marginalization and put his foot down but I fear that this was the work of Heather's ego and I'm just glad he's getting away from her. I hope she pays a lot in spousal support because he earned every bit as much of their money as she did over the years.
You might have dozens of Internet friends and supporters, but the *reality* is, they quickly find someone else to follow when you're no longer around. Lisa Belkin probably had a taste of this when she left NYTimes. (Though I followed you Lisa, I still have Motherlode bookmarked.) Should Dooce go dormant, there will be 100 more to fill her shoes. Literally. So what's the point? To make money? To implode your life while people watch? To have a bunch of strangers pat you on the back and support your side of the story (without knowing both sides)? A friend who you have true intimacy with, who knows your kids, your husband, your mother and your boss, who can comment about your own personal flaws as well as those of your loved ones, who holds you accountable when you're being an ass and who loves you year in and year out, who's life would be turned inside out if you ever left the planet... she is worthy of your time and effort. Grow WITH people. Not FOR people.
Blogs are not about good writing, social responsibility, accuracy, or anything like professional media. It's all about one person writing a publicly-displayed journal of such, and either gaining readership, or not.
TDD
Why do you think she is the most popular blogger? I like to see funny pictures of her dogs as much as the next guy, but THIS is why we love her.
We live in a strange techno world. I don't know the answer. Perhaps the most I'm comfortable saying is that personal connections in the 'real world' are necessary to combat emotional distress, and that what I write on the internet today I might seriously regret next week.
Sheri Noga, MA
www.grateful-child.com
I have a friend who is going through something similar now. His wife posts cryptic notes on FB announcing her 'desperate' need to find strength from God. I would be more willing to understand this if she would, just once, sit down and have a conversation with my friend - the father of her child - the person with whom she shares a home.
Blogging is, by its very nature, narcissistic. We write because we want to share the "I" with others. I get that and would never take it away from someone but to be honest I often miss the days when people just spoke with each other instead of the universe, while excluding the object of their conversation.
I regret nothing about what I've written. I feel that without that medium to express myself, I may have lost my marriage or maybe even my life.
I believe the circumstances of the individual and situations involved are a factor in the appropriateness of what is written. Those who may be hurt are a factor. I believe the subject matter is a factor - those who blog about health issues or loss (as you did) certainly help others deal with illness or grief, at least in my experience. I blog about divorce (many years after the fact) because it helps me process both the past and the present, and I can only hope it encourages conversation that is helpful to others.
My guess is that what you blogged not only eased your pain, but many others you may never know about, beyond those who comment even two years later.