They know how to push our buttons, because they installed them.
I've always thought that phrase was a little backwards, because technically it's the other way around, but still... The fact remains that no one can get to us -- worry us, provoke us, amaze us, infuriate us -- like our own kids. Our partners and our parents might come close, but they rarely hit that deepest nerve. Maybe because only with our children do we take it all personally, and wonder, in dark moments, where we went wrong.
In Salem, MA on Monday, a mother called the police to report that her five children had been fighting all day, according to the local paper. The 15-year-old son punched his 8-year-old sister in the arm and their 16-year-old sister stepped in and was reportedly pushed to the ground.
When the arriving officers asked "what she felt we as a police department could do to help her they might do to assist her with the issues she's having as a parent," the incident report says, "the mother replied 'I want them both out of here,' " referring to the oldest children. In the end, the state Department of Children and Families was called in, and the older son faces a court date where he'll face charges for hitting his sister.
Are you cheering just a little? Or feeling this mother's pain at all?
I know I cheered nearly three years ago when Madlyn Primoff, pulled her car over and ordered her 10- and 12-year-old to walk home because their squabbling was driving her crazy. I have threatened that over the years (what is it about cars that sets kids a-bickering?) and often wonder whether I might have ended the fighting for good.
And I more than cheered earlier this year when another father, in Australia, reportedly saw his own teenagers beating up another child. The father ordered all three kids into the car, drove the bulled child home, then took his own children to the police station where they were both charged with assault.
While I cheered both times, though, it was muted by knowledge that there is a dark, potentially lethal, side of the parents-who-can't-take-it-anymore. It has been not quite a year, for instance, since Julie Powers Schenecker was charged with shooting her two teenagers to death because they had "talked back." Depression appears to have played a role in that, as did family stress -- Schenecker's husband was stationed in the Middle East when she snapped.
Based on the initial details in this latest case in Salem, this mother too sounds scarily close to the edge. She was raising three children on her own, and, according to police, "none of the children's fathers seemed to be involved." She needs help, and probably not the kind given by the police or the courts.
Have you ever been tempted to call the cops on your kids, if only to teach them a lesson? To kick them out of the car, or the house, for fighting? Would you ever actually DO it?
Phenomenally bad parenting.
If you want an alternative my mom used to stop the car and make us do jumping jacks at the side of the road. We thought twice next time.
I have two kids and my daughter is by far the button beater. I say that because "pushing" buttons is an understatement. Between the economy, ADHD rises, and children's steepening intelligence/comprehension, parents are pushed to deal with more in some families than some parents of the Depression era. Simply put, kids can figure out how to make a parent angry just as quickly as they can figure out the electronics we don't want to deal with. With my son, I simply have to tell him to do or not to do things and he listens. Period. No problem. My daughter is another thing altogether. And I've had moments when I really just had to step outside myself to figure out how to deal with it. Kids are engaging in a strange game of psychological warfare. And if you haven't had to deal with what I'm talking about, lucky you. If you have, you understand that figuring out new techniques to dealing with a highly intelligent and stubborn kid is a second job entirely.
I would call the police on my children. I honestly don't think they will do anything to that will make me do it but I will no doubtly do it. My plan is to take them to a police station and a jail for a "field trip" when they turn 10. I will explain them this is where they will end up if they don't behave. I plan the scare the s__t of of them. Tough love.
In the case of the woman in Lisa's post, I find myself wondering where the hitting and fighting came from: someone modeled that behavior for them. I'm not going to pile on to condemn the mom; we've all had wits-end moments, and I've never had to raise three kids on my own. But the hitting and fighting came from somewhere, and it might help mom in the future if she can figure out where: has she hit or behaved combatively to or in front of the kids, perhaps more than she realizes? Do they have peers that are setting bad examples, and if so, does mom know who they are and can she limit contact with these peers? Not saying this to criticize, just to find a constructive angle on preventing further wits-end moments and helping the kids in more constructive ways.
Parents who call the police want someone else to fix the problems that they allowed to grow over many years. This is NOT a new event. If being a parent is too much for someone, then they need to find new homes for their children. Other posters are completely correct that discipline is what is needed. However, one time discipline is never enough and children will laugh it off. What is needed for violent or out of control teenagers is at least a month of 24 hour monitoring by adults. (relatives, friends etc) This is one of few options that will convince teens that they cannot act in that manner and that it will not be tolerated. Sadly most families do not choose this option because it takes too much work to undo the years of neglect and lack of limit setting.
If you believe your child is a danger to himself or others, drive him/her to the hospital and have him/her involuntarily committed for evaluation. Otherwise, remove all clothes (except one outfit) and bedding and toys and electronics from their room, and the door, and have them earn back their privileges. And if substance abuse is at issue, get them in an after school program every day.
Big Brother already has too much control over families and what they can or can not do with Big Brother's possessions. You may give birth to them but the Government owns them. Just as it owns the rest of us. No spanking. No yelling. No this, no that, or a cop will come or CPS, to show you who really is boss. .
Parents who call the police on their children are just plain stupid people. Not, "good people" at the end of their rope, but rather plain and simple, Stupid. It never turns out for the better. Never.