Every few months, it seems, researchers unveil more proof that working moms are happier than stay-at-home moms. And every few months, the same old debate erupts as a result over whether that can possibly be true.
Let's make this time different.
The most recent study was presented this weekend at the America Sociological Association meeting in Denver, where researchers from the University of Akron and Penn State University told us that mothers who go to back to work within weeks of giving birth had "more energy, mobility, and less depression by age 40" than those who spend months or years at home.
That comes on the heels of a Gallup study in May, which found stay-at-home mothers were more likely to experience stress, worry, anger and sadness than were those who held paying jobs. Among the findings: 28 percent of the at-home moms described themselves as depressed, compared with 17 percent of employed moms.
A few days earlier, the British Journal of Epidemiology ad Community Health reported that "housewives" were more likely to be obese (38 percent) than were those who juggled children, a steady relationship and a paycheck (23 percent).
And in December of last year, the Journal of Family Psychology in the U.S. concluded that a 10-year-long study following new mothers found that those who held a paying job, whether full-time or part-time were in better health in general, and less depressed in particular, than those who did not.
"Yet Another Mommy Wars Study" was how the website Mommyish described the latest report.
"From The Mommy Wars..." began the headline on Forbes.com.
Yes, it is tempting to see all this as a trope from an ongoing conflict. "It's okay if I leave my children with a caregiver and go to work because staying home is just making you fat and depressed," employed mothers get to say. Then we all go back to our stations and prepare for the next chance to prove that "my choice is better than yours."
That would make sense if this were a fight that someone could actually "win," with one side bringing the other around. In other words, if this were a question of "which is better for Mom," then new mothers could look at all this data and make a logical choice.
But this is not a question of logic, or, necessarily, real choice. If women stayed home (or went to work) specifically because they thought it would make them happier (or thinner), then these studies serve their purpose. I would argue, though, that depression and the like is a side effect of decisions reached for reasons that have little or nothing to do with whether a woman will be happy.
Happiness (and fulfillment and self-worth) are part of these choices, of course. But the real roots here are far more likely to be money (the decision to go to work and earn some, or to stay home and not pay a caregiver) and welfare of children (the belief that a child will benefit from the presence of a parent, or the role model of a working one) and the realities of the workplace (the availability of employment for both spouses and the reality that if one must work extreme hours in order to keep a job that leaves the other to carry the homefront).
Telling those who choose home, therefore, that "studies show you will be less depressed if you choose otherwise" doesn't make a different choice possible.
In an ideal world, there would be fewer studies about relative happiness and more about what could be done to maximize happiness for both "camps." Studies of how to provide more mental-health treatment for poorer women, who are more likely to be part of the depressed stay-at-home cohort. How to improve the availability of child care for women who would like to work but can't find safe affordable placement for their children. How to increase flexibility in the workplace, so that the choice isn't keep the job or be home for dinner.
And while I am making my wish list, I would like one more thing: a study or two about whether men who stay home or more or less depressed than those who don't.
Leaving them out of this conversation is getting depressing.
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For me, the five years I stayed home was a sacrifice and I was not happy. I felt selfish going back to work. But I was so happy to be back in the world among the adults that I fell running to the door of my new office like some girl running in a monster movie - crying and screaming too.
All that being said, there is absolutely nothing I would rather do than stay home with my kids. I would rather use my mind to benefit them and create as many memories as possible. My mind is never bored, because I exercise it every day in a variety of ways. I create artwork, fill my spare moments with all sorts of puzzles (the more mind-bending the better), teach myself languages, and do almost every craft imaginable (to up the fun factor, I always choose the most challenging projects). On top of all that, I am skinny and in fairly good shape (I dance and do some pilates, but I dislike most exercise since I get too bored).
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I'm sure this study is accurate, but I can't help but wonder if homemakers are more prone to depression because they so often feel judged, unappreciated, and unsupported? I realize that it's a two-way war, but as times have changed it seems like stay-at-home-parents are the ones receiving more criticism.
Racism and bigotry are frequently discussed topics, but this whole motherhood-war is usually ignored and left out of the equation (despite being just an equally common problem). Regardless of personal belief, I wish that we could all just stop judging each other and looking down on the choices that others make. I think that would make us ALL feel less depressed.
Who comprised the demographics of this study? 40+, women in mid-upper level management positions, 20+ women in working class positions, women from rich backgrounds, women from poor backgrounds. Break down your study because statistics can say anything you want it to say. From the women who said they were happy, how are their children, are they happy too?
Is happiness based on just saying it or were researchers using some sort of indicator of happiness? (dont know what that would be, but they are the researchers, they can figure it out).
It would be wonderful if people would simply stop judging the decisions of other people and be content to do what is best for them, their partners and/or their children.