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How to Break Up With the New York Therapist You Can't Afford

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If you live in NYC, chances are you go to a therapist. And I, unlike Tom Cruise, am not one to bash the value of psychiatry. To all mental health professionals out there: I sincerely applaud the humanitarian, necessary service you provide to those in pain and suffering.

I, also unlike Tom Cruise, am one of those New Yorkers who uses a therapist to help sift through the tangled, befuddling jungle that is my brain. However, lately, the relationship between my therapist and me has seemed... off. Not quite as magic as it was in the very beginning. Maybe we both need to see other people? Well, I have to see other people. She sees other people THAN ME every day.

(No, I don't have jealousy transference whatever it's called. It's just weird when you're in a therapist's office to see another person in the waiting room. Like, running into your ex with his new girlfriend weird. Or scoping out your potential new sister wife weird.)

That got me thinking that perhaps my therapist and I need to take a break. Therefore, here, for all intents and purposes, is the list I jotted down the other day in order to achieve this distance.

1. Try the "it's not you, it's me" speech.

This takes on a whole new level when the person you give it to knows literally all your deep, dark, secrets and can bring up the issues you have with your mother at any point in time.

2. Make it about the money.

Let's face it, therapy is expensive, and if you are in your 20s (like me) and don't have a salary (like me) and are at a weird career point (like me) money is a legitimate issue. And this is one expense that... oh, you'll drop your rate? Ohhhh... that's... niiiiicceee...

3. Be prepared to talk. And talk. And talk some more.

The longest breakup conversation times one billion plus a thousand times more awkward.

4. Make a note that says: Is this process helpful to me? Check yes, Check no. (And then check no, fold it, and silently put it on your therapist's chair.)

It might cut down on the talking. Or it might open up another 40 minutes of "so why couldn't we discuss this face to face, with spoken words."

5. Pretend you have to move and change you number.

What are the chances they'll find you in a city of millions? Oh yeah. The Internet.

6. Stop returning their calls.

But be prepared to face a conversation via email/text/Skype similar to the one in #4.

7. Don't show up to your appointments.

OK, let's face it, this won't work, especially if you still owe on the bill and they charge for missed/last second cancellation sessions.

Finding the right therapist is difficult, and maybe yours is a good fit, maybe it isn't, maybe you are a good fit but the timing is bad/you want different things/you're just not into relationships right now. Nonetheless, no breakup should be considered lightly, especially with the person who knows exactly why you keep having a recurring dream of a Benedict Cumberbatch faced flying hippogriff who stalks you in Central Park.

For more professional, better sourced information on how to find a good therapist, visit The American Psychological Association website.