How to Talk to Little Girls

I went to a dinner party at a friend's home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.

Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, "Maya, you're so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!"

But I didn't. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.

What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.

Hold that thought for just a moment.

This week ABC News reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.

Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.

That's why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.

"Maya," I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, "very nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.

"Hey, what are you reading?" I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I'm nuts for them. I let that show.

Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.

"I LOVE books," I said. "Do you?"

Most kids do.

"YES," she said. "And I can read them all by myself now!"

"Wow, amazing!" I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.

"What's your favorite book?" I asked.

"I'll go get it! Can I read it to you?"

Purplicious was Maya's pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.

Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It's surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I'm stubborn.

I told her that I'd just written a book, and that I hoped she'd write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we'd read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.

So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya's perspective for at least that evening.

Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.

And let me know the response you get at www.Twitter.com/lisabloom and Facebook.

Here's to changing the world, one little girl at a time.

For many more tips on how keep yourself and your daughter smart, check out my new book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, www.Think.tv.

 

 

 

Follow Lisa Bloom on Twitter: www.twitter.com/LisaBloom

Comments

[poeticjustice4all]

03:03 AM on 08/19/2011

This is beautiful!

[Biotunes]

10:36 PM on 08/17/2011

Gender roles are established early. Parents often claim that they treat their daughters and sons the same, but this is almost never actually true, as you so vividly point out - just listen to how they talk to them in normal everyday conversation. This early pigeon-holing has many negative long-term consequences for women of course:

http://bioblog.biotunes.org/bioblog/2009/01/30/breasts-and-society/

[quizblorg]

10:38 PM on 08/16/2011

"Nice to meet you. What are you reading?" I asked her.

Her eyes got wide. "I'm only five. I can't read yet" she answered, in a low, halting voice.

"Oh", I curtly replied. "I thought I was dealing with a serious intellect here."

I turned away, content to have planted a thirst for knowledge in another young mind.

[D. A. Wolf]

12:40 AM on 08/15/2011

Wonderful post, and an eye-opener for me. I have sons, and I'm used to dealing with little boys in a particular way - straightforward, silly, inquisitive - trying to poke them into imagination-land. It would never occur to me to comment on a boy's appearance, and I realize that when meeting their friends (girls) over the years, I don't think I've commented on the appearance of the girls either. But honestly - I've never thought about it.

And how we relate from the time boys and girls are little is critically important.

[summersumz]

03:31 PM on 08/13/2011

love this.

[Amy Helene Kirschke]

06:22 PM on 08/13/2011

As the mom of three teen girls, I have often been around girls who came in to the room proudly in a pretty nightie or tutu, and boys who came into the room with football pads, just as proud. Ms. Bloom unfortunately is right, some girls would rather win America's Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize, but how many boys, same problem, would rather win MVP than the Nobel Peace Prize? I'll wager 90% or more.
The key is not avoiding saying your daugher or son is cute, the key is emphasizing their character, their kindness, their minds, etc. And teen girls often need to hear that they look nice as well. Trust me. We have never emphasized appearance in this household, but that doesn't mean my girls still need some positive reinforcement in that area too in the tough world of high school, while I subtley constantly reminding them of what REALLY matters. That's the challenge! AHK

[cryptkeeper66]

04:15 AM on 08/16/2011

By the time a girl is 12 - 13, I think her appearance is very important to her. You can't shield her from others in society, so it is important to her self-confidence. And as a man, I would BEG that you mother's teach your daughter's a little something about self-worth as well. There is nothing worse than seeing a woman beaten and belittled by an abusive man to the point she becomes "damaged goods" [no offense intended by that term], and feels nobody else would or could love her! HOWEVER, whatever you do, DO NOT try to build up her self-worth by portraying all men as evil, or telling her things like, "Who needs a man anyway!" Such flagrant generalizations will doom her future marriage before she even takes that walk down the aisle!

A girl NEEDS that positive reinforcement if she is to feel good about herself. As Erich Fromm once said, " If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can only love others, he cannot love at all." [Multiply that by 10 for girls!]

[Laura Woodward Slichter]

10:18 AM on 08/18/2011

I totally agree with this!! The key is emphasizing their character, their kindness, their minds. Perfect. Don't hold back from compliments about their looks, just don't make it everything.

[Weirdo]

01:52 PM on 08/13/2011

Loved this post. I have a little girl and love telling her how cute she is, because she is. But I also take the time to make sure that I talk to her about things she's into, stuff she's thinking about. It's funny, because I never thought about my son that way. I'd tell him he was cute all the time. I still do. But, when I naturally did it with my daughter, I felt a twinge that I was helping to reinforce the bad messages that girls and women hear about their bodies every day.

I think it's a natural thing to be taken in by the beauty of your children and to want to tell them how cute they are. Just make sure some of your praise is more than skin deep.

[J Cloud]

03:46 PM on 08/12/2011

I think this article is great BUT I think we should keep in mind that there are many alternative worlds and subcultures in the U.S. alone that are very aware of this issue. I know many families raising their girls to be strong and aware and intelligent. I work with kids and see people interacting with little girls everyday, it is rare that the adult talks about how pretty the girl is, more often I hear conversations about school or art or make believe. I may be living in a more open community but I also feel that my generation ( 30 somethings) are very aware of the body and image issues that we had to face and that generally we are raising our children differently. It helps to be around families of like mind.

Basically, there are really great places in America that are generally more open and I think worrying about this issue will be something of the past.

[LilibethJean]

01:57 PM on 08/10/2011

Thank you so much for this article. I will be picking up your book soon, Ms Bloom!

[Megan Konz]

12:15 PM on 08/09/2011

As a mom of an only son, this is extremely helpful. I never know what to say to girls and catch myself falling back on the old "oh what a pretty hair ribbon." I'll be working on that. :)

[imfedup]

10:30 AM on 08/06/2011

Wonderful article. Thank you.

[Myrtyl39]

12:14 AM on 08/05/2011

I just love that this adult reached into the child and brought out something to do with the child's character. The described interaction about books proved far more interesting and invoked much more good energy for that little girl than any conversation (?) about her pretty hair or nightgown could have. Adults need to do this for children - boy, girl, pretty or not. Well done!!!!

[justannesopinion]

04:05 PM on 08/04/2011

If everyone who reads this or similar advice follows it to the letter and concentrates on little girls' interests, rest assured that they will still hear plenty about their looks from others, so I say go all in unless you are the parent or grandparent, in which case one compliment about looks for every 20 or so about something else will be plenty to reinforce the desire to look nice, etc.

[math jazz]

04:01 PM on 08/04/2011

A good point. But maybe a little too harsh. Children need to be given advice and encouragement on their appearance from those who care about them, like their parents, because if the parents do not tell them this they will look for that reinforcement elsewhere, and probably from people that will teach them that only appearance matters. Appearance should not be the most important thing you encourage your child about, but ignoring it is not equivalent to giving more important things (like reading, musical talents, or other intellectual pursuits) their proper place.

[Sierra Filucci]

01:28 PM on 08/04/2011

Thanks for the article. It's definitely something I think about a lot. I've noticed that my daughter's grandfather (my dad) always makes a point to compliment her on her appearance. It makes me uncomfortable that it's the first thing he says each time he speaks to her, but I've come to accept that it's his way of connecting with her, and since he always talks to her about books and encourages her talents, I'm hoping it all balances out. Rock on CWC!

[hgirlla3]

11:11 AM on 08/04/2011

Love this. I have a 3 year old daughter and left LA because I didn't know how to raise a daughter in an environment where the pervasive attitude toward women is there is always someone better, skinnier or prettier. I wanted to raise her around people with better self esteem. I believe self esteem starts at home and children learn from how their parents treat themselves. That being said, when I talk to my daughter I often tell her, "You're smart, funny, pretty, and kind." I want her to know she's more than adorable. Bravo for you. From a fellow CWC