Jon & Kate Plus 8: Why am I Defending Kate?

If you've been out of the country on safari for the last few weeks and have missed out on the latest reality show scandal, let me catch you up.

Jon and Kate Gosselin, of TLC's reality show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, are a couple with eight children: twin 8-year old girls, and 5-year old sextuplets (three boys, three girls) and a reality show that follows every tantrum, toxic argument, and tooth fairy moment.

Cameras have been trailing the family for five seasons. So far, it's seemed like a pretty good gig, at least from the outside. The kids seem pretty happy. The Gosselins just moved into a million-dollar home. The family has received goodies ranging from free trips to Disney and Hawaii, to teeth whitening, tummy tucks and hair plugs for mom and dad.

Then, a few weeks ago it appeared that superdad Jon might be having an affair with a 23-year old third-grade teacher named Deanna Hummel, when photographers spotted them coming out of a bar together at 2:30 in the morning. Before long, Deanna's brother not only confirmed the affair, but US Weekly also obtained video of Jon leaving Deanna's house at 7:30 am, walk-of-shame style, on March 13, a full month before the bar photos emerged.

What followed has been six weeks of US Weekly and People magazine covers, an appearance on the Today show and a Jon & Kate Plus 8 season premier so scandalicious that it drew nearly 10 million viewers dying to find out what would happen next.

Both Jon and Kate have talked publicly about the stress of living in a fishbowl, and having the paparazzi following them around. The media and public response has been a lot of "well, wah-wah, you knew what you were getting into when you signed that TV contract."

*On a personal note, I have been on national television every week for nearly three years in relative obscurity, and I would be completely shocked if some photographer started digging through my garbage or following me to the grocery store. So the idea that the Gosselins might be overwhelmed or feel surprised by the paparazzi's interest in their everyday lives actually seems pretty reasonable to me.

Even Mitch Albom weighed in his Detroit Free-Press column,
"Now, forget for a moment, the sheer audacity of a woman whose family gets paid, reportedly, $75,000 an episode to let cameras follow them around all day, to act surprised that gossip magazines follow her around as well. What did she think? They were making home movies?"

(Ironically, this was a 650-word column in which Albom discusses why discussing Jon & Kate is a waste of time. But hey, he's funny, so we'll let him slide on this one.)

After more than a month of media coverage, it seems to me that Jon is getting the better end of the deal: The angle on Jon is that he cheated. But oddly enough, the brunt of the media fire has been on Kate; how difficult it has been for poor Jon to be married to Kate, whether or not Kate is a terrible mother, and why her trendy haircut and French manicures are proof that she is a selfish, shallow excuse for a human being. She's been accused of having an affair with her bodyguard. Of being a perfectionist task-master. Of berating Jon on his paunch, his lack of attention to detail, and his hairline. She's been accused of being publicity-hungry, freebie-hungry and money-hungry. And now, the AP is reporting that the Pennsylvania Department of Labor is investigating whether the hit reality show "Jon & Kate Plus 8" is complying with child labor laws.

This week's US WEEKLY headline is "INSIDE JON'S PRISON." A couple weeks ago, it was "MOM TO MONSTER"

Personally, I feel that using your kids for a reality show is, well, exploitative. I can't fathom a situation in which I would make that choice.

But I also have a pretty hard time imagining what my life might be like if I had eight children. Or how desperate/panicky/fearful I might feel as a mother if I had to worry about how I might feed, clothe, provide health care for, and pay for college for eight kids spanning just three years in age.

I don't believe I'd make the same reality-show decision that Kate did, but I'm not facing her same reality: supporting eight children and a husband who is an unemployed college dropout.

Here's why I am defending Kate:

Yes, she barks orders to Jon. Probably she loves getting stuff for free (and good gawd, who doesn't?) Maybe, she even loves being famous. (The jury is still out on that one.)

Jon doesn't seem particularly happy to be doing the show, and Kate has said in interviews that Jon doesn't really know what he wants to do. He's doesn't seem inclined to finish college, even though they now have the means for him to do so. He hasn't warmed to any particular profession other than "TV dad", even though his TLC producers could probably hook him up with a variety of instant opportunities.

Kate has written two books, and works regularly as a paid speaker. She was, in fact, out of town on a speaking gig while Jon was picking up girls at the Chill Lounge. Originally, Jon & Kate booked speaking engagements together, but according to Kate, Jon didn't care much for the work, and told her he'd rather she do it alone.

The tabloids are chiding her for traveling on book tour for 21 days out of the last month, but it seems that most media accounts are oblivious to the fact that she's WORKING.

She works, Jon is (supposedly) home to take care of the kids. I have to wonder, if Jon was a Manager at a Widget Corporation traveling every week for work while Kate was home with the kids, would he be painted as a monster? Probably not.

As for the berating Jon in public and on TV, well, I think Kate should work on that.
I'd be happy to send her some pointers on getting her husband to take out the trash without chipping away at his manhood.

Frankly, Kate snaps at Jon sometimes - but honestly, what mother among us hasn't yelled at least once at her shell-shocked husband to run downstairs for washcloths and the throw-up bucket, while rocking a feverish toddler doused in vomit?

I also understand that feeling experienced by mothers everywhere, being completely exasperated because you have 67 things that need to be done yesterday on your to-do list (frequently accomplished simultaneously while nursing, fighting a nervous breakdown, and/or baking cookies for tomorrow's school bake sale) only to find your husband sitting on the couch mindlessly watching basketball after he's forgotten or done a half-assed job at the one (bleeping) thing you've asked him to do.

Now imagine you have 8 kids instead of 3.

But while the media and much of the public outcry has been "poor Jon, poor Jon" I keep wondering if any other woman wouldn't do the same thing in Kate's shoes?

A friend of mine has five children, and she runs a pretty tight ship. I think Kate is probably the way she is because if she doesn't take charge, no one else will.

If my husband seemed incapable, or unwilling to provide for our family, I'd do whatever I needed to do to make that happen. Even if it made me look like a bitch on national TV.

I understand that many in the public and the media see Kate as a Martha Stewart Mom type of character - berating her husband, trotting her kids out like show dogs, and stocking up on all the free goodies she can get her hands on.

But I wonder if Kate & Jon aren't just an overblown example of a classic mommy-daddy dynamic. Dad likes to be Mr. Fun Guy, so he feeds the kids cotton candy for dinner or ignores bedtime without thinking of the consequences or realizing that his irresponsibility sets mom up to always be the heavy for enforcing necessary boundaries, ensuring proper vegetable consumption and making sure everybody gets regular dental care.

I see a woman carrying a pretty big burden on her own, socking away as much cash for her family as she can during a recession, while the cameras are still pointed at her fifteen minutes of fame.

I don't agree with all of the choices she's made, but I think she might just be doing the best that she can.

Lisa Daily is the author of HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN-UP and STOP GETTING DUMPED! Read her love, relationships & dating advice blog at www.DatingExpert.tv

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Comments

[Kim Yamaguchi]

I 100% agree with you (in fact I was gearing up to write my own blog post about this very thing). She's not a saint, she's not perfect, but I think she's not only doing whatever it takes to provide for those kids (I have 7 myself and if anyone wants to give me free stuff for them I'll be all over it.). I also wonder how much of the snippy snarky stuff we see is *edited* that way. It's much more entertaining if she's a raging bitch than if she's sweet and lovey all the time.

As for Jon, I think he's the classic case of "not getting enough attention here" so "I'll seek it elsewhere".

[Connieplus4]

Jon is the one that has changed within the 10 years they have been married. Kate's personality has never changed. Jon knew this when he married Kate. Yes, some of the comments Kate has made to Jon are harsh but Jon knows Kate means well. I think Jon is in a place right now which is called a mid life crisis even though he is in his early to mid 30's. Jon is not a self-starter and needs a boost all the time. I couldn't believe that Kate had to guide him during the picture taking to sit down and take off his sunglasses. Jon is obviously the one spending too much "me" time. Pictures taken of Jon are when he is with his "friends", not the kids. You know babysitters are taking care of the kids while Jon is on "duty". Kate seems to be always with the kids when she is not working. I don't think Kate would be so hard on Jon if he was a little harder on himself. I hope that Jon gets through this phase with his family still together. The grass is not greener. Also like to point out that the kids are smarter than you think and they do know that the family is different. I guarantee they feel the tension between Kate and Jon. It sure is obvious from the first 3 epsiodes of this season. Wish the best for this family!

[princss33]

i understand what you are saying about kate's abrasive ways, but she really needs to back off, she's all worried about having rituals ( like at christmas) , but she never really enjoys any of it, everything is a job, something to organize. yeah maybe someone needs to take charge, but she has castrated her husband so much i just want to duct tape her mouth shut, it makes me wonder if her upbringing was the same. and here's the thing, it's never good to have your "job" be your familly, something will have to give, a new career needs to be found for all.

[upbeatdem]

I am really glad to read your comments. I have watched the show quite a bit and I am appalled at the vicious comments against Kate. Yes, she snaps at Jon. However, I see it as more of a mis-match of personalities. She seems very driven and goal-directed and Jon is practically comatose. Like you, I can tell that she senses the enormity of trying to support so many children and is taking whatever opportunities she can to do so. Jon seems pretty goofy and irresponsible. I can understand feeling impatient with someone like that, especially if you are a super-responsible person like Kate. One more thing - I am certain that their relationship did not fall apart overnight. How much of Kate's behavior could be anger at Jon for running around? I would be very surprised if he got caught the first time.

[susanoaks]

thank you thank you thank you! FINALLY an article that is fair!

[Gabrielle Smith]

Yes, fine, Lisa, I get your points expressed here, but for one moment, at least, turn this around. What if it had been Jon doing the berating toward Kate all this time. What if Jon "playfully" slapped Kate in the face every couch interview session? What if Jon corrected every sentence Kate uttered, and constantly yelled at Kate during every public appearance, cameras rolling the entire time? What if Jon made fun of Kate's hair, and criticized her endlessly for her manners, or lack of, her speech patterns, and basically every facet of her being, all while cameras rolled? What then? Whom would you be defending then? Why is it acceptable for this woman to treat her husband as she has? Because she had fertility treatments and birthed a litter of children, when admittedly Jon did not even want more children?

I have to disagree. I think Kate loves the limelight - she admits it in the Season 4 final episode. She says she has the best job ever, "ideal", I think she calls it. She is loving the tanning, the hair salon treatments, the freebies, the fan adulation, living her life episode to episode. I think this is an example of reality TV creating a monster.

[upbeatdem]

Referring to those children as a "litter" is deeply offensive. Whatever choices their parents made, the children deserve more respect than that.

[parkerfly38]

Grow up.

[Khirad]

Amen Gabrielle Smith. That was what I wondered. Did he even want more? Being a guy, I doubted it. And thank you, I too, as has every guy, wondered what would be said of him if the situation were reversed. There's a line between having to pick up the slack, be forceful and act as the grown-up -- and the way she treats him. I don't feel like defending him all that much, but I also can't help feeling for him. I'm drawn towards strong, independent women secure in themselves, without having to emasculate men. I doubt that she could conceal her obsessive-­compulsive behavior forever. I suspect she's been like that all her life. Like Reese Witherspoon in Election. He had to of known what he was marrying. He made his bed, he should be expected to lay in it. I would cut her slack if I ever saw her look like she were authentically living life. Even as stressful as her life must be, if I saw five seconds of her -- in the present (speaking sort of Zen here) -- I could be a whole lot more sympathetic with her. An unfair value judgment, but if there were no children, I still don't think she'd be capable of smelling the roses. I'll just end this in saying I think the defense of her was completely fair and taken in good faith by me. Just concurring with this statement as well.

[Lourdes Roman]

However she might of talked to him, still doesn't mean he had to cheat! he could of left her but he liked the money and if he wouldn't of gotten caught he would of still done it! So many people bashing her, the way she talked to him, the way she playfully smacked him, it still doesn't give him the right to do this and i have watched plenty of episodes to see that the person that has everything organise and the reason they have a roof over there heads if because of Kate!!! she asked him to do something and he acts like a teenager!! its like she has 8 kids and a horny teenager! and what is it with you if you had 8 kids you would do anything you could to give them a good life and yes there is always consequences with our decisions but she didn't know that her husband was going to get caught on camera with another chick!! I really liked this article about time that someone defended Kate!!! The kids this and the kids that, why weren't people saying the kids are being used before all this Drama!!! If they get separated Then it will be Single mom with 8 kids! and that will be a good show also!!

[10twentyseven]

Though I think the media has been hard on Kate I wonder what the genral opinion would be if the roles where reversed, and not John traveling for some widget company. But if he talked to his wife as she talks to him on a regular basis and not in the high stress situations but in those quite moments with out the kids around, when she tells him how his breathing is just annoying. I have a feeling more people would be claiming worse things on him if anything as I think if he treated her as she often treated him during the interview portions of the show it probably would have been canceled long ago.

Please note I am in know way defending what John may or may not have done as he is responsible for his own actions and should know what is the right thing to do. I also think Kate is a good mother for all she has to deal with and come on if someone offered you a show on a cable station to watch you raise your kids, would you think anyone would watch and you would start to get the same tabloid coverage of an A list celebrity like Brad and Angelina? I am glad they have taken advantage of all they got and I hope they have saved that pay check well as I can't see myself watching this show much longer if it is just documenting the demise of the family.

[strawberryfields4ever]

You make it sound like jon never had a job but he did he work as an IT specialist. He also has made it clear that he quit not by choice but because he had to stay home while Kate was off in her speaking engagements. He is neither a husband who is "unwilling or incapable" of providing for his kids like you say.

[JHCT]

The party line with Jon and Kate was always that Jon lost his IT job because they didn't want to pay the premiums for all of the babies after the sextuplets were born.

Jon's former employer employer, Style Craft Corp., states that he was fired for spending more time trying to snag freebies for his family than working.

[Owlette]

You are completely missing the point. Jon and Kate have 8 children to provide for. How is that because the higher paying job is Mom's, it is suddenly "her" speaking engagements? It's highly unlikely that most people would belittle his earning power by making it seem like a hobby at the expense of the family.

Without knowing them, it appears that Jon has significantly less drive and direction than Kate. Not a criticism, just an observation. There's room for all kinds, and even an argument to be made for having one type of each parent!

But the adults have to step up and figure out how to incorporate both personalities and needs. Jon is suffering what millions of stay at home Moms do right now - not everyone is cut out to be a 24/7 parent with no outside interests or adult interaction.

Women just handle it better.

[backbay23]

Very well said!
I have been an avid watcher of Jon and Kate plus 8, and I still very much support the show and pray for the family. I think that if we were to put a camera into the house of an average American family, that either the mom or the dad would come across a lot more like Kate then they would ever admit. And remember, this is an edited show... based on ratings... and who would watch if it weren't a bit over the top at times? I could never imagine 8 kids, yet alone in two pregnancies! Therefore unless I've walked in their shoes... I will not judge. Instead I will just sit back and thank the Lord that I don't have 8 kids, and keep praying that this family finds a way to stay together through this storm.

[Idytme]

Thanks for the update, I have seen headlines for this show but I didn't know what it was all about. I don't watch these kinds of shows, never have, never want to and I just don't understand *why* people live vicariously through people, whether these or celebrities. I've tried to figure it out and I think people just love to sit in judgment of other people because it makes them feel better. I was once supporting a boyfriend by working three jobs while he sat at home all day and I'd get home and the tiny studio we lived in would be a mess and I'd get upset about it and he'd say, "you don't know how *hard* it is to keep everything clean", and this is with no kids. No doubt on TV I would have been seen as a "B", but you are right someone has to take over when no one will, and I can imagine it would be especially difficult if someone is perennially the "nice guy" and not the "responsible guy". Kids need rules, and that means some sort of confrontation and the parent who won't be the one not to upset the kids is not a great parent.
Now that I know what this is all about I won't have to wonder about the headlines. Everyone else - get a life.

[GuyIncognito007]

First let me say that it is never ok to cheat. If you're in a miserable home situation, it's on whomever is unhappy to either fix it or go. My wife and I have a phrase for whenever someone is being a horrible person or is saying something mean spirited or belittling to the other in the heat of an arguement or in a moment of distress, and that is "Jon & Kate Plus Eight". However stressed or in need of order your situation is, it is NEVER ok to treat your spose as if they were another child. Looking at the amount of belittling, name calling, and yelling that Kate has done to her husband on television, it's a wonder why this didn't happen sooner. And the people that defend this show because it must be the only way they can support that family are hilarious. I know many large families that are able to survive like normal people without a tv contract and they keep their marriages in tact.
The fact is that it was clear that Jon didn't want to do the show anymore, but Kate would not allow that and now they're in the situation that they're in. There's also a part of me that thinks that this is EXACTLY what Kate wants. Now she can be the single mommy "struggling" to raise her 8 little paychecks all on her own...because it's another tv show and multiple book deal to sell to the mega-church crowd.

[MominPS]

Thank you Thank you Thank you! I've finally read one sane and rational article on Jon and Kate Gosselin. I am appalled at how the media and people in general have treated this woman. I am especially appalled at how horribly she's been raked through the coals by women! I've been watching this show since the beginning and I agree that things have changed dramatically. They are certainly no longer the struggling family since the success of their reality show. Just like any other successes in life, the Gosselins have received perks that come with success and I say good on ya! Take what you can from this experience and when it's over, you'll be laughing all the way to the bank. Raise your eight beautiful children without the burden of no money. Give them what they deserve and take something for yourself along the way! Kate is a strong-willed person with a strong personality and Jon is passive aggressive. It's a terrible combination and on or off television I believe these two people would still be acting this way towards each other. I wish them luck and hope their marriage will survive!

[writewoman]

Have you watched the show more than a few times? I ask that because Jon has certainly put in a lot of time, work and effort into caring for the family throughout the series. In fact, at times, he has appeared to me to have done more than his share . (And that doesn't take into account his having to live with Kate throwing barbs at him repeatedely.) Over time I foud myself so put off by kate's behavior that I told my husband to let me know anytime I was behaving like her so I could stop it immediately!

Having raised only two kids, I know how difficult child rearing can be and can't really imagine what either of them have gone through as parents of multiples. That said, Kate comes across as sarcastic, whiny and demanding. Jon seems to be a classic passive/agressive personality, but if I had to chose between a laid-back immature man and a control freak who can barely control her temper in front of a camera, there would be no contest.

[Lisa Daily - Huffpost Blogger]

Actually, no. I'd watched the show a few times early on, and found it relatively uninteresting. In research for this article, I watched a number of episodes from each season.

I too was struck by the metamorphosis this family has gone through.

I think we can all agree that Kate is frequently not very nice to her husband. (And sometimes other people.)

I think we can also agree that Jon seems to be an affectionate, caring dad.

I am not a Jon & Kate expert by any stretch of the imagination. I don't have any issue with the fact that Jon is a TV version of a stay at home dad. What compelled me to write this piece was the fact that the media coverage (and public opinion) attacking Kate seemed to be so biased.

She is out working all the time, therefore she is a terrible mother. She is mean, therefore she deserves the fact that her husband is out cavorting with a 23-year old.

It just occurred to me that there might be a different story than the one that's being covered...

Lisa
http://www.lisadaily.com/datingexperttv

[Juan Baptista]

I'm male, and in many ways a radical feminist (I want true equality, not a pandering superficial equality), and I am thrilled by the reaction of women to the Kate and Jon scandal. Every news article or blog post about this story has the majority of female commenters outraged by Kate's treatment of Jon. How wonderful it is to see women speak out loudly in defense of a man. Kate's belittling, condescending treatment of Jon has only one outcome, the failure of their marriage. That treatment of one human to another always ends that way, whether it takes 3 years or 30, whether it ends with an affair or not. Whether it's a woman doing it to a man or vice versa. It is a recipe for disaster.

Kate appears to always had that nature. That nature is not acceptable. Unaddressed, untreated it will damage friends and friendships, children and childhoods, spouses and loves. Jon was an idiot to have hitched his wagon to that star, absolutely. But that's not the big point here.

The lesson here is that you do not treat another human being like that, man or woman. My heart is filled with joy to discover that women and men agree on that point, that the behavior we as a society find acceptable is gender-blind.

(Her working etc. is a ruby red herring.)

[Lourdes Roman]

you hit it right on! i think that the show should go on a hold so they can go thru counseling or do something were they are out of the spot light you can tell that they don't want to talk to each other on the show. As hard as Kate looks on TV she like any other woman and must be hurting that her husband was with another woman! If they get a divorce its something that would of happened no matter what, what if they weren't on TV? they would of struggled with their financing, 8 kids! the stress and he would of cheated anyway! so its not the shows fault, who knows maybe the show gave them an extra few years to their marriage!