I nearly died this past January. To be more precise, I believe I was actually dead in a Marin County, California hospital. I know it's a stretch for some to believe returning from death is possible, but it is. On reflection, the easy part was actually "saving my life." Working hard and fast to survive post-trauma is proof of our innate human fight or flight response.
On a deeper level, I knew there was both an energetic and psychological aspect to my healing. Naively, I thought with the incredible fortitude necessary to save my physical life, that the more challenging aspects having to do with the way things work, and the more banal necessities of life would begin to follow suit in an upward direction.
As a solo mother of three, I have experienced far more than my fair share of hard knocks, injustice, and to be honest, pain. I ridiculously reasoned that if God (my clearinghouse word for the higher power I know exists but can't comprehend), wanted my life saved, then it should naturally follow that things would begin to break my way, and at the very least, for my children. A month post saving my life, I realized this was a jaded perception.
I'm sure like many of you, the old adage that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is tired and worn. I have done that routine too many times to count, and it is likely you have too. What seems to be the case is that in actuality, wrenching experiences that would normally kill any mortal, doesn't. And it is within this process that we begin to learn that we aren't truly mortal, or simply of this earth. Our past, our present, and our future are deeply intertwined in much we may not understand, but begin to feel. Even though we can't understand what and why, we know that everything we've been through has been divinely led.
It is guidance. It is preparation. It is meant to train for something far more important than we ever imagined in our mortal minds. Transitioning this plane of thought is a big one. It requires complete surrender of self that we know better. The ego, the accomplishments, the expectations - all of it is over and done. What's left is a prayer to a powerful universe that does know better. It is complete surrender, just in case I didn't make that point strongly enough. It is belief and faith in something far larger than our limited comprehension. This is a place for the fearless warrior. The one that through time and circumstance has experienced something deeper than just present life, and is willing to trust it.
For those of us familiar with crucifixion and how it feels, to stand up and fight for something we believe relentlessly time and time again, this is dedicated to you. The fact is, deep inside, you know all of this instinctually. In February, I was driving from California to Colorado and on audio was listening to Marianne Williamson on the subject of "Return to Love." Marianne is more than amazing, and if you're reading this, you likely know this to be true. She quipped on audio how some of us, who me? Yes, you and me, willingly and lovingly climb up on crosses of our making, just to hang out. I guess it takes one to know one, but I found this remark not only poignant, but also hilariously funny. Yes, right up until the point I realized it wasn't. No God, no universe, no higher power wanted us to martyr upon defeat. There is no honor or purpose in that. So we descend the cross, and back into the trenches we go in hot pursuit of a life worth living. It is precisely at this point, when we are broken, lost at sea, in the abyss, or for 40 days wandering, that we find ourselves. Men are made men. Women are made women. Lives become as they should be. Faith, belief, purpose, and understanding abounds and drives us to what is ultimately our destiny.
This might sound radical, but it is not. Every religious or spiritual tradition comes to the same place of belief. We do not have the divides that others wish to impose on us. It isn't uniquely Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or other, it is life. It is the higher power of what is right, and a true understanding of the way things work for every single one of us -- no matter race, religion, color, or any other derisive technique that one would use against another to separate or divide. We are one. My wish and pure intention for a world that is in need of repair is to surrender. To give up the ideologies that perhaps we were raised with that lead us into dissent or controversy.
I am fortunate to have traveled the world, and have seen the most amazing things, and met people from all over -- often where we don't speak the same language -- left in effect with hand gestures as a means of communication. I can honestly say that we are one. Brothers and sisters that by some incredible grace get to share precious time on Earth. If you are having trouble seeing this fact as truth, I urge you to open your heart and your mind. Drop your programming -- from your parents, your teachers, from policy makers, and other tenants that suggest they know better than you. Honestly, what would it be like to step into yourself? To breathe? To surrender? And then to ask humbly, what is this all about? What are we here to do? And then, the hardest part... To wait, to listen -- often in the abyss of darkness for an answer in faith. No mortal soul would endeavor to do this. But would you?