Dating Resolutions: 7 Characteristics of an Ideal Partner

Dec. 31 may be all about the New Year's kiss, but by New Year's Day, most people are thinking about what comes after the kiss. This can be a good metaphor for our dating habits in general. The person we look to for instant passion, an immediate spark or even a New Year's kiss is not always the same person we would be happy sharing our lives with long-term. With this in mind, it's safe to assume that one major reason that finding lasting love proves such a challenge is that the qualities we seek in a partner aren't always those that lead to enduring intimacy.

The reasons we fall in love may be a mystery, but the reasons we stay in love are far less elusive. That is why this New Year's, I propose making a few resolutions about what we look for in a romantic relationship. There may be no such thing as the perfect partner, but an ideal partner can be found in someone who has developed themselves in certain ways that go beyond the surface. While we each seek out a specific set of qualities that is uniquely meaningful to us alone, there are certain psychological characteristics both you and your partner can aim for that make the flame not only stronger, more passionate and more fulfilling, but also far less likely to die out the moment the clock strikes midnight.

Many of these qualities won't be apparent to us when we first meet someone, but as we get to know the people we date, these are invaluable traits to both look for in them and to strive for in ourselves. These ideal attributes include:

Read more from Dr. Lisa Firestone on Relationships at PsychAlive.org

 

 

 

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Comments

[NWOslave]

05:43 PM on 01/22/2012

Oddly enough, in all the pictures as well as the descriptions it seems as if the "man" needs to be more like a woman in order to meet up to her standards. This seems to be a recurring theme over the past couple of generations. We have a default position of women being "perfect" and men needing to man-up, be more sensitive, be funnier, be more supportive, be more helpful, be more loving, be more understanding, be more caring. The list of things men can do to be more acceptable to women appears quite endless.

I'm curious? For all this "more" that men need to do in order to be accepted by women, what is it men get in return? Sex?

[beth24]

12:37 AM on 01/19/2012

excellent this is like the 10 commandments of a healthy relationship thank you

[dancinggrandma]

02:01 PM on 01/03/2012

After 30 years as a therapist, I've come to agree with Harville Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want), a widely renowned relationship expert: only about 5% of couples are in truly healthy, dynamic, and fully satisfying relationships. The vast majority of us just limp along, cobbling a facsimile of such as best we can. Pia Mellody wrote "Facing Love Addiction" many years ago, and it's a must-read for many. She outlines how "love addicts" (whose needs are neglected early in life) most often attract "love avoidants" (whose mothers engulfed them & got their emotional needs met through the child). The dance then repeats with each new coupling. Most often, it's men who are love avoidant, but not always. It's chilling to read such a book and identify with one or the other, but unless both people become conscious of this process, there's very little hope for a healthy relationship.

[Jina Carvalho]

08:02 PM on 01/02/2012

This is a clear, definitive and extremely valuable post to share with friends children and partners, I am attending Dr Firestones' workshop at Esalen in Big Sur CA and I recommend it to anyone wanting to learn more about her approach to relationships - here is the link for more info!
http://webapp.esalen.org/workshops/11067

[ragdolly]

12:29 PM on 01/02/2012

Staying in love requires friendship, common interest, compassion and forgiveness.

[RealistBC]

08:54 PM on 01/01/2012

Any guy who displays these attributes gets left for the first bad guy who winks at her.

[special930]

10:24 PM on 01/01/2012

That would not be the kind of girl you would want anyway - if she leaves these attributes for a bad guy!

[urface]

09:57 PM on 01/16/2012

99%

[Amy Elias, MS]

09:11 AM on 01/01/2012

This is a perfect value-based legacy of advice I would give to my children as one for living a life of integrity with cornerstones that are basic, easy to notice- or not- and to cultivate within oneself and expand and expect in another. We are received in the way we show up. We attract where were at...so refine and enjoy the ride. It's all choice. Thank you Lisa.

[meaboutthis]

09:18 PM on 12/31/2011

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I have been waiting for someone to have a hands on, practical approach to having a "grown-up" relationship with all the pleasure and fun that grown-ups are capable of!! I love this line of thinking. Kudos.

[jf12]

10:22 AM on 12/31/2011

A women who is honest about her sexual desires ("there is no headache; at the moment I'm physically nauseated by the very idea of sex with you") and who has true empathy for her man's libido ("yes, it can be just your turn") is nonexistent.

[farmilyman]

07:56 AM on 12/31/2011

Too bad passion trumps everything.

[Nihilicious]

05:19 PM on 12/30/2011

How about apathy? Not looking for someone better or more than 3 of these 7 of these qualities is probably your best predictor of a lasting bond.

[charleyvldm9]

11:10 AM on 12/30/2011

What happened to TOLERANCE,no one is perfect,so you need that attribute in each other to make it work,I've been married for 46yrs.

[ragdolly]

01:00 PM on 01/02/2012

Thats were compassion comes in and a sense of humor.

[Brenda Starr]

10:08 AM on 12/30/2011

I like the picture of the guy looking over the woman's shoulder at her computer under "independence". LOL.