As a reticent child, I always tested the water before jumping in. As a young girl, I'd purposefully alter my looks in some way in order not to compete with other girls for boys. As a Berkeley undergrad I chose political science because I thought I'd have to write more papers for the English literature department. It's not that I take the easy way out. I don't.
My life has been one sacrifice after another. There is much I've been willing to give up in order to live my dream; children in order to give birth to books, relationship in order to seek and understand solitude, money in order to focus on what is truly valuable-sustainable-connect worthy. It would have been much simpler to lower my ideals, to set my sights on something easier, more mainstream. I couldn't do that.
It might have been more "fun" to take the Best Dressed award instead of Most Friendliest or Most Likely to Succeed (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-guest/what-is-an-authentic-ante_b_178296.html). It is much harder to be a good friend than to decipher what the latest fashion is or how to achieve a look instead of show off a label.
Much more difficult to determine what is truly successful... and to go for that no matter the cost. It would have been so much easier to cut off parts of myself in order to fit into the corporate structure. But I couldn't do it for long. It would have been so much easier to break the glass ceiling without the inconvenient emotional part already amputated. But I couldn't focus on achieving when I had to leave so much of myself at home.
Instead, I came into each moment with too much emotion. Many labeled me "too sensitive." Early on I was told, "You think too much." It's not like I could stop. Like Madonna, I've always had a strong masculine energy swirling around my center core. Instead of moving out into the world to conquer it, I moved inside to understand what was there.
When I started this blog I assumed I could just deposit here pieces I wrote two years ago. Yet, since I've placed a few blogs I've realized that I must share what is happening now, important now, what is real now...
Life is moving so quickly. They (who?) say that more is changing technologically, energetically, and historically now and in the coming four years than ever before. What might have taken a decade to process in another century can now be experienced and expressed in a heartbeat.
I've always thought I had to be perfect before sharing my wares. Yet, I've never believed in perfection nor tried to achieve it in my everyday life. I've remained silent instead of voicing opinions if I didn't have valid alternative solutions. I've denied myself in a myriad of ways. Brilliance I produced prior on the page overlooked for too many years when memories of certain experiences left me with an ache or a hole or a wish unfulfilled. I left it on the private page and kept moving forward. Privately I'd tried to process, but I didn't really know then how to move through a trauma drama.
Instead of honoring my process, accepting my emotions, understanding that what I feel is a blessing and not a curse, I judged myself as others had judged me; too this or too that. Instead of just being profoundly me. It's just me in this moment, processing this emotion. As if being me, alive and breathing in this moment, isn't enough to be grateful about.
I have a dear friend who is struggling. Who isn't these days? He has the soul of an artist and can produce paintings, sketches and collages that anyone would want on their wall. Yet, he's cut off so much of himself in order to be a partner in an architectural firm. With the economy STILL in shambles, he's had to fire most of his staff. He worries about his job, and subsequently, his loft bought at the peak of the bubble. It is affecting his health. He is not alone. Millions in cities around this country are in his position.
So what's my valid solution? I don't have one. I just pray he and the many others, who have such special gifts to give to the world, might use this time to focus said gifts to express these feelings that are instead now causing havoc in the body.
I'll leave you for now with this. For years I sought answers. In the Jewish tradition, why were men expected to study and women were only allowed in the bedroom and the kitchen.
Finally one Rabbi gave me an answer I could accept. He said, "Women are already connected to God. Women can reproduce. Men cannot. Men must study how to connect with the divine."
If it is true that men move forward physically and mentally, and women move forward emotionally and mentally.... And that's why it's been easier for men to jettison said emotions and why women have struggled when having to do so... Maybe the answer is to honor our feelings once and for all.
Honor how sad it is that a major American auto firm is biting the dust and how that will affect so many souls in the process... but channel that sadness into action, into choices that will improve our future. Choices like Michael Moore suggested today (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-moore/goodbye-gm_b_209603.html).
We all must sacrifice to get to the promised land of peace. What can you give up today?
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