Received a card this week that said, "In the great swimming pool of life, there's always going to be a little pee."
I'm one of the lucky ones. I have a cancer that is supposedly slow growing. I went through three weeks of terror and was given a reprieve. Yet, I'm hyper aware now to what the next appointment will bring, the next phone call, the next blood test results will confirm about my how fast my condition is progressing.
But this isn't just about my condition.
Perhaps I have this to deepen me, to make me more aware, so my love of words, both how they come into my life and how they leave my fingers when I focus, will be about issues that really matter. I've never been one to find fluff fascinating. Certainly not for more than five minutes.
I saw a video this morning.... it's on this link.
It's about a clinical trial for melanoma. Here I am during my reprieve hoping that the trial in Texas will miraculously save me from the toxic chemicals in chemo. Yet this video shows just how quickly some cancers can take life away, how serious these killer cells are when staking their claim. It spells out how trials are trials for a reason.
Do I want to be a guinea pig with the possibility of a cure, or just undergo the tree killing chemicals and hope I'm alive in ten years to talk about it. Chemo, in the puny print, causes other cancers. I have one of the less invasive, disturbing cancers. Will trying to cure this one give me a worse one?
What I have is supposedly slow growing. What if in my desire to save myself, I bring on the beginning of the end? What if I wait? If I say to the practicing physicians, "Thanks, but I'll take my chances."
If the 70-year old man who had 100,000 lymphocytes disappeared when advised he needed chemo, and returned eight years later with 700,000 lymphocytes, chemo, even at that advanced stage, got him out of the wheelchair and walking again.
If he could wait, why can't I?
Suddenly, the concept of not eating sugar becomes even more relevant. I've been pulling back from my sweet tooth, saying no much more than I say yes. But last week when in Fresh and Easy, I saw milk chocolate honeycomb in a big bucket. I bought four little pieces and with sticky fingers they were consumed before I got home. Did I just feed my lovely little lymphocytes? Did five minutes of glee erase five weeks of potions, tinctures and teas?
Does my morning ritual with the no cholesterol, flavored milk grow the greedy buggers in me? All form of reality shows that it does.
The doctor at City of Hope said that no diet, vitamin or lifestyle choice can change this in my body. Yet, another doctor writes on the web that pepper garlic sandwiches healed his stage 4 lesions in 4 days.
I actually tried my first pepper garlic combination last night. I didn't wolf it down but gingerly took tiny bites, but what I took in felt good. I felt different. I wanted more. I could handle more.
And a childhood friend who is a pharmacist... called to check up on me yesterday. He went to pharmacy school with a healer from Guatemala... who is also a pharmacist. Even though my friend said that people who are sick are most susceptible to snake oil salesmen... he suggested I try his friend's cure... to drink my own urine.
Haven't tried that yet. Is that what my life will become? Instead of my morning ritual with PERO (coffee alternative) I'll be sipping my own morning's waste material?
Would you drink your own urine if it would save your life?
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