THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Lisa Haisha Headshot

Do You Mistake Sex-Esteem for Self-Esteem?

Posted: Updated:

It's always fun to be with someone living a vibrant and exciting life, but sometimes these people are acting out from deep-rooted self-esteem issues. Such is the case for the "Sex God or Goddess," one of the eight "Impostors" I've identified that keep people from living from their authentic soul.

Sex addiction and promiscuity are rampant everywhere, particularly in Hollywood, where I work as a life coach to celebrities. And while sex can be a natural and beautiful thing, it can also become addictive or used as a crutch to escape other issues -- especially when an "Impostor" is involved.

The "Sex God(dess)" in Action

Here's what a typical "Sex God(dess)" looks like:

  • The "Sex Gods(desses)" may have never learned to value themselves for what they have to offer.
  • Many have been sexually abused as children. As a result, they may think sex is the only way to get that deep love and attention they crave.
  • They often jump from relationship to relationship and don't have the strength or self-confidence to build long-lasting ties with others.
  • While they act in ways that they think will bring them love, attention, and approval, in reality others usually mock them behind their back.
  • The "Sex Gods(desses)" may seem charming on the outside, but on the inside, they typically suffer from very low self-esteem.

Make no mistake: The "Sex God(dess) Impostor" takes sex to a higher degree, employing sex as an ineffective means of bolstering their own confidence. They simply don't realize the consequences of using sex as a means to reconcile their personal issues and self-image. In particular, young women who adopt this "Impostor" often expose themselves to risky activities that could not only threaten their futures, but their lives in terms of pregnancy and STDs.

Because "Sex Gods or Goddesses" were often exposed to sex at a very young age, they may have developed a preoccupation and even deviancy with sex. In some cases, children of sexual abuse leave their home to prevent a future occurrence, but unfortunately, these victims are often subjected to re-victimization under different circumstances, sometimes through the influence of deviant peers or out of survival. For these people, sex has become a means of survival, an essential skill for their underprivileged lifestyles within the margins of society. Underrepresented and desperate, they may never understand the positive and fulfilling aspects of sex: connecting with someone and forging an intimate bond with another.

How to Deal With the "Sex God(dess) Impostor"

These days, finding someone plagued by the "Sex God(dess) Impostor" is common. Should you find yourself in the company of one, here are some tips for dealing with them effectively:

  • If you're with someone whose "Sex God(dess)" is dominating their interactions with others, ignore their behaviors and don't give them the attention they're seeking.
  • For someone who is being overly crude or hypersexual, politely take them to the side and let them know that their behavior is inappropriate. If your friend is drunk or becomes aggressive, get them out of there so that the situation doesn't escalate and result in an unwanted or forced sexual encounter.
  • If you're on a date with someone whose "Sex God(dess)" is advancing too quickly, redirect the topic of conversation back to appropriate conversations. If they continue to change the topic, be strong about it and assert what is appropriate for you. Avoid sending any ambiguity, as they may quickly seize on any mixed messages.

Too Much of a Good Thing

It is not uncommon for someone with the "Sex God(dess) Impostor" to feel ashamed of their sexual preoccupation. This inner turmoil, combined with the "impostor's" influence, results in self-doubt. So while the "Sex God(dess)" acts out to bolster self-esteem, this "impostor" ironically reinforces a vicious cycle of low self-esteem.

The good news is that this "Impostor," just like the other seven, can be told to leave. And while reclaiming your life from an "Impostor" is never easy, it's always worth the effort. Doing so is the only way to finally claim your authentic soul and live the life you were meant to.

EXERCISE: Through The Looking Glass

Your Sex God(dess) tries to convince you to replace "self-esteem" with "sex-esteem." It can be particularly hard to resist this impulse, especially when popular media and advertising capitalizes on sex appeal.

Reconnect with your authentic soul through one of my all-time favorite Soul Blazing exercises, that I like to call "Through The Looking Glass." They say that your eyes are the windows to your soul, and it has shaken more than a few of my clients up to take a good long look at themselves!

I recommend doing this exercise in the morning and in the evening. Pull up a chair in front a mirror, so that you are as close as you can comfortably sit. For 10 minutes, gaze into your eyes and connect with your own soul. This can be extremely difficult and seem like an eternity, especially if you don't like what you see!

---

About the "Impostors"

The "Impostors" are the cast of characters that star in Lisa Haisha's Soul Blazing. They could be a metaphor for the "masks" that you wear, especially when confronted with something that you fear. Sometimes they're the voice in your head telling you that you're not good enough, or re-iterating negative conversations or experiences from your past that keep you stuck, like quicksand that keeps you from picking yourself up. These pesky devils are the saboteurs and squatters that live in the temple of your Authentic Soul, and keep you from shining bright!

There are eight Impostors in this cast, and they are:
• The Wounded Inner Child
• The Over Thinker
• The Counselor
• The Sex God(dess)
• The Narcissist
• The Philosopher
• The Clown
• The Fixer

Find out which "Impostor" is residing within you by taking this free quiz.

From Our Partners