I used to drive a car. Then I had kids.
When my family grew, I graduated to the mom-mobile -- code name Closet on Wheels, French-Fry Wagon... Dumpster.
The metamorphosis is insidious. One day you're behind the wheel of a cute little wagon, and the next you're driving a mobile garbage dump with fossilized Goldfish on the floor and previously undiscovered life forms multiplying under the seat. The physical decline might well be a metaphor for motherhood itself:
Purchase new vehicle; wash weekly; vacuum; detail. Buy lift-gate dividers to organize groceries. Marvel at pristine trunk. Recall friend's mom-mobile with all that clutter. You will avoid this fate. You will even preserve that new car smell.
Wipe down car seat after each use. Religiously spot clean. Buy handy seven-inch auto trashcan to handle all garbage. Declare it forever a no-eating/no-drinking zone. Avoid clutter by taking out every item you bring in. You will do this... forever.
See baby fuss as you put her into seat. Offer teething toy. Absently leave toy in car. Don't worry -- it's just one toy. You'll remember to get it... later.
Notice child items beginning to collect. Invest in seat-back organizer. You've got control of this.
Lure toddler into car before baby cries by bringing a couple of books.
Lure toddler into car before baby cries by bringing a couple of stuffed animals...
Forget stuffed animals in car...
Lure toddler into car before baby cries by bringing a box of crayons...
...a box of plastic soldiers
...the contents of your kitchen junk drawer...
...the accessories for the vacuum cleaner...
...a set of plastic measuring cups...
...an eight-piece plastic tea set...
...two garden flamingos...
[Undocumented toddler developmental stage during which children fill bags with random household items ranging from small toys to your entire collection of kitchen spatulas.] See full range of small accessories begin to vanish and re-materialize in the vehicle now formally known as The Black Hole.
Begin toddler playdates. Commence eating occasional snacks in the car.
Begin preschool carpool. Commence eating regular snacks in the car.
Begin child activities/sports. Commence eating regular meals in car.
Notice Cheerios on floor. Don't worry... it's just a few... Resolve to vacuum... later.
Observe goldfish crackers on floor next to Cheerios. You'll vacuum later.. .definitely.
Notice French fries on floor. Huh... how 'bout that.
Begin second child's activities/sports. Leave cleats in car -- for now.
Begin travel teams. See back seat turn into fully stocked athletic supply store.
Notice mystery aroma. Resolve to figure that out.
Hear husband observe how neat his car is. Remind self to suggest taking next road trip in his car.
Drive carpool. Remember strange aroma. You really have to investigate that... later.
Arrive at school for morning drop-off. Realize you forgot lunch money. Search car for change. Look under seat... on floor... under beach towels... winter jackets... soccer ball... raincoats... cleats... discarded energy drinks... basketball... old socks... stuffed animals... broken ear buds... Oh, look -- the reading glasses I haven't seen in six months! Reach into handy seatback organizer... pull out petrified bathing suit. Identify source of odor.
Attempt backseat cleanup. Feel overwhelmed. Toss all items over backseat into lift gate. There. It's clean.
Pick up mother at airport. Observe horrified expression.
Consider complete cleaning, disinfecting, and detailing.
Reconsider. Remember, the kids are still young. Resolve to drive it this way until they're grown...
Then you'll donate it to automotive science (the parts junkyard).
Or bury it... as toxic waste.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.