Your Best Worst BFF Ever

06/16/2015 04:28 pm ET | Updated Jun 16, 2016
Cathy Yeulet via Getty Images

I am a self-described hermit, but lately, I have felt a little lonely. DON'T TELL ANYONE THIS. You will ruin my image. Anyway, yes, this cat-loving loner has felt the need for more human companionship. Sure, I live with the boy and the husband, and they are both my best friends, but there are times when a strange, awkward woman needs to talk to another strange, awkward woman. And that is where friends come in.

I have friends, just not a lot of them. After sitting here alone on many Saturdays, I have asked myself, "Self, why do you not have more friends? You're charming, and you don't have any noticeably strong odors. Why are you not out more?" After a lot of thinking, and a pot of coffee, I have discovered the reason. It's because I suck as a BFF. It's true. Read on.

I moved without telling my friends once. Yep. I was so upset while going through my divorce that I moved two hours away and didn't tell most people. When I'm down in the dumps or going through drama, I don't really talk to people. So, I didn't mention the move to another county. Oops.

I don't want to talk about feelings. When I am upset, I write, or I exercise, or I talk to my husband or son. I will never call you crying in the wee hours of the morning. I expect the same respect for sleep from you.

I turn my phone off at night. See above. I am allergic to midnight drama. Unless my husband or son is out, my phone is off at night.

I never talk on the phone. If you need to call me, it better be urgent and you had better text me first, or else I will look at my caller ID and step the heck away from my phone if it is not my son, my husband or my mother.

I would rather hang with the fellas than the girls. I'm not talking about going out with random guys. What I mean here is that I would so much rather be home, in my jammies, and watching a movie with my husband or my son. They are my fellas. Girls' night out just sounds hellish. And since it likely requires real pants and a bra, it sounds plain old uncomfortable.

I roll my eyes at vaguebooking. If you want to get all teen-girl emotional on Facebook, I will add you to my restricted list. I prefer straightforward communication. Don't hint at any issues you have with me; just tell me.

I have nothing bad to say about my husband. Seriously. Sure we have our ups and downs, but I am not going to bash him to you. I prefer to do that shit straight to his face. And it makes me uncomfortable when you bash your husband. I might consider him a friend, too.

I don't care about shopping. I buy most things online. I loathe the mall and I don't want to share a dressing room with you and try on skinny jeans.

I prefer to do most things alone. I bought my wedding dress alone. See above. I don't like shopping, so I like to get it done quickly when it is necessary. If I had shopped for my dress with someone, I would have had to hear her opinions and try different things. This way, I bought the dress I liked and then I ate lunch. Done.

I would rather have scotch than wine. It seems to be fashionable for moms, and women in general, to love wine. I don't hate wine, but I would rather have hard liquor any day.

I don't share your love of chocolate. The good news is that I will likely give you any chocolate I have unless it is GOOD dark chocolate or a Reese's cup. Then, you're on your own.

I won't come to your Botox/MaryKay/Avon party. I'm just not that vain. I wash my face and put on moisturizer, and that is about it. I do get my Elvis Presley sideburns waxed, but that is so I don't get mistaken for a really short cross-dresser. I live in the Midwest where people aren't so tolerant of such things.

I will never hold your hair while you puke. Hell, I don't even want to be in the same building with you if you are puking. That crap could be contagious.

I go to the spa alone or with my husband. I wear hearing aids, so I don't really hear well. I don't want to try to have a chitchat session over running water and other assorted salon background noise. My husband either talks louder to me or happily chats away with his spa person while I give mine one word (hopefully correct) answers until she stops chatting.

Right now you're probably wondering HOW I have any friends at all. I wonder this myself. After all, I do have the emotional availability of stale crackers. Why do some people like me and want to spend time with me? I can't be sure, but here are a few guesses.

People think I'm funny. Most people like to laugh. So, they are attracted to funny people.

I'm short and stubby, so most people look good standing next to me, especially if we are photographed together. I can make anyone look like a long, lean super model.

I'm stupidly generous. I will buy you lunch for any old reason, and I will never forget your birthday. This is why my husband is now in charge of the money. You may have missed your window on this one.

I will tell you the truth. If you ask for my opinion, you better want an honest answer because that is what you will get.

I can keep it together in tough situations. I'm usually not a crier. I fight tears through a combination of holding my breath and visualizing kittens. When I do cry it is usually due to fever related illness or scary doctor visits.

Having said that, I would accompany you to your scary doctor visits. I know what it is like to fear things like "biopsies" and "procedures." I will hold your hand through scariness even if you break it. I'm tough like that.

Yep, I can see why I hang out with cats most of the time. As a super best friend, I flat out suck, but I do make a good horrible best friend. Everyone needs one of those to make them appreciate their BEST friends, right?


See how good my friend looks standing next to me here? And she is holding my cat bff. I love this picture.

So, what about you? Do you have ONE best friend? If so, who is that person? What makes you a good or bad friend?