05/26/2005 08:52 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Rage Against The Hormone Machine

So how would you feel knowing millions of your tax dollars are being spent on a program that has a proven failure rate of 88%?

No I’m not referring to the war in Iraq or the Medicare prescription drug plan or the Clear Skies initiative.

This is regarding The Silver Ring Thing, George Bush's, “No Virgin Left Behind” abstinence only program that in no small part has lead to a dramatic increase in abortion since the Celibate in Chief took office.

Set in a total Lolapalooloza type setting, this magical night of music and comedy is a wholesome Rave where teens gather to drop sex instead of X.

A taxpayer sham that climaxes with each participant slipping a silver ring on his or her finger, pledging they will remain virgins until marriage, much the same way they pledge to take care of that dog they talk you into bringing home.

We all know how that turns out

Yes, I know, it sounds like a good use of your tax dollars, spending it on traveling the country to spread the message that hot, experimental, meaningful sex only happens once you are married.

We all know how that turns out.

Yes, as the rap songs and skits reiterate at the Silver Ring Thing events, pre-marital sex is a world of darkness and tragic consequences, and one valuable public health message I gleaned from them watching Sixty Minutes last night, is that the use of condoms is about as safe as pouring a big glassful of AIDS right down your throat.

The Message?

Sex is evil, sex is dirty, and sex is dangerous…


You can preach and lecture and throw money at this issue until you are blue in the balls, and the result is going to be the same.

Teens are gonna have sex for three simple reasons:

1. It’s fun
2. It’s free
3. It’s against your wishes

Wake up! When the most fun a person can ever have in the whole world is free, you can’t stop it. Not even with twisting scientific facts like a balloon animal.

No, the only science that may work to prevent kids from having sex may be reverse psychology. Maybe if you sit your kids down and say, “When I grab your mothers’ firm buttocks and mount her like a stallion, she screams for the whip and God do I make her beg for it!”

After they’ve stopped throwing up, maybe they’ll vow never to have sex.

We’ll see how that turns out.