My divorce marked one of the most difficult and confusing times in my life. After the papers were signed and the break-up was officially final, I had no idea what to do next. I wanted to move forward but didn't know how; I just wanted to laugh, have fun and let go of the pain.
Then, one day it hit me -- throw a divorce party! This was long before divorce parties became a part of popular culture. My friends didn't understand the event when I sent out the invite, but they all came with an open mind and that was all I needed.
I had always loved tea parties, so that's the kind of party I threw. A tea party attended by all of the people in my life who had lent an ear, hand and tissue during my divorce. When I cut into my divorce cake -- which featured the phrase "Free At Last" in bright blue frosting -- I started to really feel like I was coming through to the other side.
I felt so invigorated at the end of the party that I wanted to continue the fun. About a week later, a friend told me about a Greek restaurant where you can throw plates. One dollar to smash something into a thousand pieces seemed like a great idea to me. (And let's be honest, it was probably better to throw someone else's plates rather than my own.) "I'll take 25 plates," I said to the waitress. One plate for each of the years I was married. After the last one shattered, I removed my protective goggles and felt a new sense of calm.
I began writing down these activities, eventually naming them "divorce rituals." These divorce rituals truly saved me. I started creating and doing more and more of them, feeling better as each was completed. During my first year post divorce, I tried to come up with a ritual to cover every painful moment. Time flew by quickly as I did the rituals and, in the end, I had a better understanding of myself. These rituals are compiled in my new book The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life. Here are a few of my favorites:
Divorce Ritual #4 - A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Or Wherever You May Live): Over the coming months, you will grow more and more as a person. You will make significant changes in your life. Your mind is probably filled with countless new ideas; Each idea is a seed, which should be planted and nourished as it grows to fruition. To mark this new beginning of your life, I suggest planting something special in your backyard that will bloom just like you.
Divorce Ritual #51 - The EX-Periment: Have you kept in touch with any of your exes from your past? It's understandable if you didn't have contact with any of them during your marriage. Most spouses want their significant others to dump water on their old flames once they decide to get serious. Even when it's innocent, it's generally not a good idea for married couples to maintain those types of connections. Now that you're divorced, the rules have changed. This divorce ritual is about going on a date with at least one ex-boyfriend who is also single.
Divorce Ritual #66 - Kids Rule the Day: Adults love days that revolve around them. Well, kids are no different. One day a month, let your child choose whatever they want to do, and then go along with it (as long as it's within reason). Maybe they want to go to a museum. Or, maybe they watch the movie "Night at the Museum." Whatever the activity, supervise, watch and most of all, enjoy!
Divorce Ritual #83 - Put the Garter Back On: This game is one of my favorites. Every bride remembers when her husband took the garter off at the wedding. At your divorce party, have one of your best friends put a garter back on you. You will feel an immediate sense of having come full circle.
Divorce Ritual #85 - Fly Fly Away: For this ritual, you will need balloons and some small pieces of paper. On each piece of paper, write what you disliked about your old life and what you want from your new one. Put the pieces of paper into the balloons, blow them up and let them go! This is a great way to release stress.
For more rituals and to read Lois Tarter's new book The Divorce Ritual click here.
For legal reasons it is not a good idea to act single until you are single. I had no problems adjusting as I would not want someone who is not comfortable in the reality they were in. That was 1972.
I did not engage in a relationship but did check out a lot of "Social events" in the Village Voice Classified. I had some amazing experiences because I did not hate everyone or feel I needed a pity party. I did need human involvement on a social basis
After the divorce I did find someone. It took four years to turn an occasional meeting into a marriage.
We celebrate 35 years of marriage this year in the Fall.
Divorce is an event, not a status that you carry with you the rest of your life. If you hate and carry the baggage there is no reason to do so . That is what erasers on pencils are for. I hope my ex is doing well but I have no desire to find out if she is dead or alive. There were no children (thankfully. We did not have to hurt a child. It is a lot more complicated when there are children. I can not so I do not comment on divorce with children involved.
Honestly, I couldn't understand your logical reason for keeping on having relationship with your spouse
Then you add the Godly ordained "till death do you part" - if faithful to your vows (or remain single until then) mandate, topped of with a good dose of still loving that rug puller, and where indeed does this kind of broken person go for help ?
I don't know if it's just me - but I couldn't even imagine creating that kind of despair for my worst enemy, and never mind a long time partner in life; so I wonder if others simply possess some sort ON/OFF switch deep in their hearts, that I was born without ?
You get it exactly.
I never knew what despair was until my partner of 20 years left. It brought me to my knees. It broke my heart and spirit. Its been a year now to the day and I am still waiting for time to do what everyone says it does.
Thank you for what you wrote.
I am currently in the process of ending a 30 year marriage. He lied and betrayed me even after I confronted him several times. It's been difficult for me to the point of job failure along with depression and anxiety. After trying to keep things together for almost four years, he's finally moved out and is living with his GF. I feel relieved, overwhelmed (at times), and just plain old disgusted. My grieving process has begun, and I am looking forward with much trepidation to rebuilding my life and moving on with or without someone.
Just because our children are grown hasn't made it any less difficult for them They are both torn by the break up, and dissapointed by their father's childish behavior. They, too, are moving on with my encouragement and ability to lead an amicable relationship with their father.
I highly recommend it!
glad to out of her claws