The movie Enough Said is the perfect example of what is right for one person may not be right for someone else.
James Gandolfini plays Albert. His character is a little quirky, but warm and loving. Catherine Keener plays his ex, a poet named Marianne. Her character is more brittle, judgmental and cold. A massage therapist named Eva, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, meets exes Albert and Marianne separately at the same party. Eva doesn't realize the connection between them as she begins to date Albert and simultaneously is hired by Marianne to give her massages.
Eva becomes friendly with Marianne and listens to her complaints about her ex. It leads Eva to believe that her ex was not such a nice guy. Marianne also felt that she was "better," more sophisticated and worldly than her former spouse. In the meantime, Eva is really having lots of fun spending time with her new boyfriend Albert. Eventually, Eva figures out that Albert is Marianne's ex! She wants to tell both of them the truth, but waits too long. When the truth finally is revealed, both Albert and Marianne feel betrayed by Eva.
An interesting part of this story is that while Marianne didn't appreciate Albert and said bad things about him, he never put his ex-wife down. He did not come off as a person who was judgmental and seemed more accepting. Also, his ex-wife constantly complained about all of his idiosyncrasies, while Eva found them to be cute and charming. Albert obviously was not the right person for Marianne. However, he was good for Eva until she began listening to someone else and messed the relationship up. The lesson from all of this is that you need to form your own opinions of the person you're dating. What is good for one is not good for someone else.
So often we look at our friends' spouses and realize how a relationship with them would never work for us. Yet, our friends are happy. My husband and I love to travel. Either one of us being married to someone who doesn't like to travel would be problematic. Lots of my friends' husbands are avid sports fans. I'm not and my husband is not. My ex loves sports and his wife also loves sports. A match made in a football heaven.
If you rely on the opinions of your friends about your potential mate, and don't really rely on your gut feeling, you could easily miss out on the perfect person for you. On the other side of that coin, if you have been in abusive relationships, you could then move into another abusive relationship. So you need to listen to your friends when they caution you about your new love. Also, always look at the problems in your previous marriage and try not to repeat them in your new relationship.
Before you introduce any new love interest to your children, you should make sure that this new person is a keeper. When you finally arrange for your kids and your new love to meet, your children may not like this person as an initial knee-jerk reaction. They may not have come to terms yet that your relationship with their mother or father is over. So unless your children are mature and supportive, you need to make up your own mind. Make sure your new love interest treats your kids well.
All in all, what is good for one person is often not right for someone else. Make up your mind about a new relationship based on your feelings. Who knows? The right person for you may be the person you have heard your friend complain about forever. Try to meet everyone with an open mind and be prepared for a new exciting chapter in your life.
For post-divorce tips and information to help you get over your ex, pick up Lois Tarter's new book The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life by clicking here.