05/04/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Code Blue: A Vibrating Love Story

It started off as your average, typical, run of the mill bitch fest lunch with the girls. You know the kind.

"Oh my God, if my ass gets any fatter, I'm gonna have to start buying two seat on planes."

"I swear my kids are driving my fucking crazy. No wonder I drink boxed wine."

"My sex life sucks. I can't remember that last time I had an orgasm, if ever."

WAIT. Rewind that last part.


Yeah, that last one brought the whole conversation to a screeching halt. One of my oldest friends (well, not OLD, old, I've just known her a long time) just told me she's never had an orgasm.

"Um, I got news for you, " I tell her, "If you're not sure, then you haven't."

How could that be? Here's a woman with two kids, married 20 years, still having sex regularly and no Big "O?" Hell, no wonder her sex life sucked. No happy ending in 20 years, I'd get sick of the same damn Fairy Tale too.

Princes NoClimaxa started getting really embarrassed. "I don't want to talk about it." And my other friend and I started plotting ways to pop her orgasm cherry.

"You need a vibrator. Have you ever used a vibrator?" I asked her later on the phone.
"No! And I can't talk about this!"
I could tell by her whispering that there where people close by. Probably neighbors. In their homes.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just a great way to figure out what make you eye roll back into your head."
"I can't believe we're talking about this."
"Um, I'm the one talking. You're the one freaking out."
"I can't believe you're want me to get something like that." She cried. Apparently, she didn't believe a lot of things.
"Don't worry," I tell her. I'll take care of it
"NO. Don't you dare ... " I hear her cry as I hung up.

Two days later, my friend Rachel and I saunter into The Pleasure Chest, an adult toy store in West Hollywood. And as luck would have it, we actually run into a couple of other friends we know, because I guess The Pleasure Chest is the new Starbucks.

We head over to the vibrator section, which consists of nothing less than 500 versions of buzz worthy new friends. There are some really cute mild mannered ones that are shaped like lipsticks and one that comes in a "Life-saver" container. And there are the "Rabbits" which have been multiplying into all varieties. You got the baby rabbits, the rabbits on steroids, purple rabbits that look like their mother had taken thalidomide during her pregnancy. None that screamed "Eureka!"

I felt like I was Goldicocks, on the search for one that was "just right."

Finally, just like the Holy Grail, (except it wasn't a grail and I doubt the pope would call it Holy) we saw It. Simple, to the point. Baby Blue and battery included. Just a straight up plain vibrator with three speeds: Low, medium and OH MY.

Rachel whipped out the credit card and we mailed it off that day.

Two days and no word. And then I got a text:

OH.My.GOD! NOW I know what the fuss is all about! I CAN'T Believe I've been missing THIS for 20 years!!!!! Fun Fact: When I stood up, I PASSED OUT. You should have told me to have some Orange juice standing by!

That's right baby. Welcome to the party. We've been expecting you.