07/21/2010 04:47 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Why I Should Be Mel Gibson's New Girlfriend

To: Mel Gibson
From: Yours Truly
Subject: Why I should be your new girlfriend

Dearest Mel,

I haven't heard much from you lately. Anything new and exciting happening? Hope life has been treating you well. Anyhoo, a little bird told me that you may be single and ready to mingle? Is this true? If so, praise the baby Jesus and let me be the first to throw my knickers into the ring for consideration. Because, I know a man who knows how to treat a lady when I see one!

Now, I know you don't know me from Adam, so let me just run down a little list of reasons why I would make the perfect gal pal for you:

  1. Russian? Hell I've never even been to Russia. I still call it USSR and I don't even drink vodka. You can easily erase that country from your mind.

  • OK. Full disclosure, I am of SOME Hispanic background but only half my back is wet. You can refer to me as a Damp Back.
  • I'm not what you would describe as technically savvy and wouldn't know how to record a phone call if you paid me ... 15 million dollars or less.
  • I'm Catholic-esque, somewhat relapsed, but if I go to confession and get the body of Christ, may I get the body of Mel too? Maybe? Think about it. You don't have to answer right away.
  • My boobs aren't that big, but they are real, so they will be fine for breast-feeding. I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be feeding but I'm sure you'll clue me in on that later.
  • I have gone by the nickname "Sugar Tits" since grade school. Seriously, It's fate, babe.
  • Call me?

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