While a blended family used to be the exception to the rule, these days it seems to be more common. As the divorce rate climbs, so do the number of partners who come together to create a new kind of family unit. Despite the social acceptance of this arrangement, nothing can quite prepare you for the blended family experience except actually going through it!
I grew up in a blended family and a stepmother with whom I had a difficult time getting along. I often had to intercede during arguments between her and my younger sister. When my half-brother and half-sister were born, I wanted to take care and play with them. I always felt their mother (my stepmother) made a clear distinction between us and them. It created a barrier. As the years went by, my siblings and I bridged the gap, but as kids we experienced some pretty rocky times. Jealousies and power struggles ran amuck in our household.
And as I grew up, I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen if I ever had a family of my own.
When I was 23, I had a long-term relationship with a divorced man eleven years my senior, who had two kids, then 5 and 7. The children stayed with us on the weekends and during the holidays. Years after the relationship ended, the children (now grown men in their thirties), and I remained friends.
Eventually, I got married and had two daughters. But when that relationship went sour we got divorced. Then I met my current husband, who is also divorced and has a son.
We've been together for six years now. We were lucky that our kids are close in age. When we met they were 5, 6 and 8, and according to what I've read, that is the best age for children to adapt to a new family. Now they're 11, 12 and 14.
Here are some of the logistical challenges we've had to deal with:
- My husband's son is with us every other week, for a full week. My husband and his ex-wife follow their court mandated parenting plan to a T.
How are we managing to pull all this off?
- I grew up without a mom of my own. I am very sensitive to the feelings of kids with divorced parents. I talk to my stepson and let him know that his dad will always love him more than he would ever love me. I will never forget the expression of relief in my stepson's face when I told him that. He smiled and his eyes grew wide and he said: "Really?" We haven't had jealousy issues since.
This post originally ran on Viva Fifty!.