New Yorkers can convince themselves of anything. For every beautiful thing that happens in this city -- and there are many -- at least a few things a day make you question what in God's name you're doing living in the steaming pile of disease that is the Big Apple.
Luckily, there are ways to trick yourself into loving even the worst qualities of our fair city! Just explain some truly awful thing that happened to you during the day and then chalk it up to a real "New York moment," something that could only happen here and nowhere else, and for that: it's a blessing.
Here are 10 examples of negative thoughts I've turned into positive ones, simply by adding an optimistic twist:
1. Today, a crazy man in a business suit and coonskin cap stopped me in the middle of the street and screamed in my face for no discernible reason. His spit got all over me. Only in New York!
2. The N train decided to run on the F line this morning, but none of us had any idea because we couldn't understand what the guy on the loudspeaker was saying! I ended up in the middle of Queens! Gotta love New York.
3. I bought a slice of cheese pizza for a dollar and then proceeded to puke for three days straight. When I went back to the pizza place to complain, it had been turned into a completely different dollar-pizza place! Mmmmm, New York pizza!
4. While riding my bike in the designated bike lane, I was almost killed by a garbage truck, three separate cabs, and a man wearing a suit made of trash who threw a baseball under my wheels and laughed at me as I scrambled to avoid it! Only in New York, am I right?
5. When I got home from work I found that my landlord had built an entire wall in the middle of my living room, creating a dark hallway behind it. When I asked him why he had done that, he stormed out, muttering something under his breath in Croatian. Sweet God, I love New York!
6. Speaking of great apartments: my friend just moved to the city and signed a lease on a new two-bedroom. The electricity hasn't been turned on yet and three long, fiber wires run through the kitchen into the backyard, which is filled with dirt. His landlord, who is also a heroin addict, lets himself in at 6:30 in the morning and chain smokes cigarettes in the living room. Gotta love NYC, y'all!
7. My girlfriend and I bought a Groupon last week for a three-course Italian meal. When we got to the restaurant on Saturday night there were a couple hundred other people inside, and they told us it'd be a six-hour wait. The hostess, her hands over her face, just kept screaming, "No more Groupons, no more Groupons, too many Groupons." LOVE this city!
8. I asked the lady behind the counter at Duane Reade where the replacement razor cartridges were. She just said "Jesus Christ," removed her name tag, wandered into the back room, reappeared with a friend of hers in street clothes, threw the replacement razors at me, and then left the store. I couldn't live anywhere else but here!!
9. After a long night with friends in Manhattan, I hailed a cab back to my small apartment in another borough. When I got into the cab, the driver had no idea where he was going, so he drove around in circles for half an hour, made me pay $20 and then yelled at me to get out! I had no idea where I was and had to walk 30 minutes to the nearest subway! Man, I love a good New York experience.
10. I was just walking down 8th avenue in the middle of the day and a trashcan full of human excrement fell from a 15th floor window and plowed me in the face! Where did it come from? Who knows! But isn't that the best? I fucking love New York.
RAINY DAY BONUS! When it rains in New York, the gutters and other drainage devices are suddenly rendered completely useless, thereby forcing all of the rain to gather in convenient puddles next to curbs, walkways, and subway entrances, or other random sidewalk locations. Hey, it's just another reason this place RoCkS!!
Follow Lucas Kavner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lucaskavner