5 Things I Thought I'd Never Say Out Loud To My Boys

If you asked me 20 years ago if I was going to be married with kids one day, I probably would have accidentally spit up my Baileys on the rocks all over you. Back then I didn't have great manners, but even a model can throw up her drink with grace.

I was brought up by a British mother who took pride in herself and our family on having manners. It didn't take her long to realize that there was more Greek in me (my father) than British, and that I would not be having tea and crumpets every day, but I'd rather dig into a Gyro using only my hands and my teeth as tools.

So when I had children, I was grateful to be given these proper manners and "ways to act like a lady" but unfortunately I had sons. They definitely know "please" and "thank you." But they are straight up boys. Messy. Dirty. Grimy. Rough. Tough. Loud.

With sons come a whole set of interesting things. I get caught off-guard so many times, it's not funny. But it actually is funny. We have to laugh at the nonsense.

So I find myself saying the craziest things I never thought I would say out loud. Here's five of them:

1. Don't lick your brother's face.

What possess someone to do this? I understand confusing your brothers head for a giant lollipop the first time around, but is doing it all the time really necessary.

2. Don't throw stuff in the trash.

You would think that this is a normal thing to do, throw stuff in the trash. But kids just think the trash can is a refrigerator, a toy box, a storage container and yes, maybe a trash can. They don't realize that what they put in there is not coming back. Ever. Unless it's my last bag of Reese's cups. Or my bra.

3. Stop putting your feet in your face.

What is this obsession with feet in the face? My son doesn't even do it as a joke anymore. I just see him do it naturally, like it's part of everyday life. He might even try to do it at the dinner table. I don't understand the attraction. Granted, I haven't tried...

4. I don't want to see your boogers.

What is so interesting about boogers? I hear my sons blow their noses and then show each other what they have. It's like a contest to see who can be the grossest. They think it's awesome and then they pass me the tissue. My husband seems to understand their excitement. I guess it's a gender thing.

5. No, I don't want to see your poop.

Again, I don't understand the excitement but apparently for my oldest son, it is very important to share the size, the smell, and the number of poops. When he tells me these details I want to throw up. However, when he tells his father these details, they do a high five. Had I know this before our first date, the first date may of never happened.

Boys are awesome. Boys are great. I wouldn't change having boys in a million years. I love my boys. But boys are boys. They do not sit pretty and have tea parties. Well... some do, but mine don't.

You won't find them dressing up in princess clothes, unless they don't have a choice, lol. You will find them wearing Spiderman costumes and doing ninja moves on each other. Wrestling on the floor and chasing each other.

Last night we were at a special VIP Disney event. I turned my back for one second only to find them rolling around on the floor throwing popcorn at each other.

That's my life. Boy mom. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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©2016 Lucee Santini, as first published on MomJunky.com