Sadly, Brad and Angelina's marriage isn't the only one to crumble. Nearly half of all first marriages and an even higher percentage of second and third nuptials end in divorce. Though unfortunate for the couples involved -- and as Brad has proclaimed in his post-split statement -- what really matters is the kids.
Despite the best of intentions, poor communication, disagreements or bitterness between divorced parents can often get in the way of making smart decisions about childcare. We polled UrbanSitters who work with divorced families and they shared their first-hand knowledge of what works and doesn't work when managing childcare with an ex:
1.Open Communication Between Parents is Critical
Though it may be difficult to have consistent communication with an ex, sharing childcare duties requires just that. "Whether I work for one or both parents, it's important that they communicate logistics with each other, share information about their kids and schedules, and keep me in the loop about what will happen and what to do when I'm caring for their children," says babysitter Eliza. Babysitters get that it's not always comfortable for exes to interact, and many will go the extra mile to make it easier. "When I sit for Dad, I always send Mom pictures, too," says babysitter Somme. "It can seem a bit awkward, but I know she misses them when they are away and values staying connected when apart."
2.Share Sitters to Keep Consistency
If it's logistically feasible--meaning you don't live too far apart and have similar schedules--sharing sitters with your ex is an effective way to provide kids with comfort and consistency. "A lot of divorced families I work for do "one week on - one week off" schedule," says sitter Alexa. "The only difference for kids is where they'll be when they are with me -- either Mom's house or Dad's." That routine, especially if it's with a babysitter they already know and love, is reassuring to the kids as well as the parents.
3.Don't Over Share with the Sitter
As nice as it is to have an insider for support and even friendship, commit to keeping your babysitter an impartial, neutral party. Sitters admit to hearing more than they need to know about sticky divorces and witnessing encounters they'd rather not see. "I've known about indiscretions and had to come to the decision to keep the information to myself -- be it a mistress or a new girlfriend post split," says babysitter Jessica. Personal details should remain private and parents should shield sitters as much as possible to avoid potentially uncomfortable situations.
4.Build a Support Network for Your Kids
Who couldn't use another warm, compassionate companion, especially during times of transition? A mature, reliable sitter can be a supportive caregiver to kids, and can provide helpful reinforcement for messages you'd like to instill. "Kids typically tell me straight up if their parents are divorced, and openly confide in me about how they are feeling about it," says babysitter Eliza. "I listen to their concerns--how they miss their parent while they are with the other or are struggling to understand the split--and remind them that both parents love them very much. I'll often report the conversation back to the parents so they are looped into their kids' feelings and concerns."
5. Don't Let Your Sitter Get Caught in the Middle
Babysitters who work for both parents in a divorced family remark that parents nearly always have kids' best interests at heart. However, having a shared point of contact can sometimes create an opportunity to sneak a peek into an ex's living situation. "I've been questioned by one parent about the other," says babysitter Jessica. "My policy is not to answer questions that make one parent look bad unless the answer has a direct impact on the child's well-being." Gossip for its sake, especially during a divorce, only harms the most precious party involved--the kids.
6.Don't Assume the Babysitter is Judging
Whether or not you initiated the divorce, psychologists concur that it's not uncommon to feel guilt over a failed marriage. The last thing you need is to feel judged by those around you, especially your child's caregiver. "People generally do the best that they can," says sitter Jessica. "I try not to pass judgment on others, especially when I'm working in their home." More often than not, divorced families are committed to effectively co-parenting and making sure kids come first. That's all anyone really cares about.
7.Leverage Babysitters to Shield Kids from the Tough Stuff
While kids can't be entirely sheltered from changes in their family life, a beloved babysitter can provide helpful distractions during the more difficult moments of a transition. "While one parent was moving out of the house, I took their toddler to the park," says babysitter Jessica. "While we busied ourselves and had fun, the parents took care of things that may have been tough for their child to witness. When we returned, there were no tears left and no evidence of upset. It enabled them all to move on as best they could." Another sitter says parents have found it helpful to have her around during hand-off times between parents, which can sometimes be tense.
It's reassuring that the most popular advice given to divorced parents by seasoned babysitters is simply to put kids first. "Sure, I've seen parents argue in front of their kids or spoil them to make up for the guilt of divorce, but most of all, I see parents prioritizing their kids. They make sure their kids are well cared for," says sitter Eliza. That's the best any parents -- divorced or not -- can do for their kids.