THE BLOG
08/15/2014 10:44 am ET Updated Oct 15, 2014

How to Be the Perfect Mother

In order to be the perfect mother, you must do absolutely everything you can for your kids. But not everything because if you do, then you are setting them up for failure in life and ruining the future of America. Of course, if you don't do everything for them, you are completely selfish. You must also cherish your children completely and always, but don't be smug about it, OK? You must never complain about your child, but if you only say good things, you are not being honest and you are fake. So be honest, but why are you complaining? At least you have kids! You chose to have them, so stop your b*tching. But moms these days are so fake on social media, never being honest about how hard it is to be a parent, so don't do that.

The perfect mother always looks nice and isn't a slob. She takes care of herself. But it's important for mothers to know that they need to stop being so vain and only thinking about themselves. You must dedicate your life to your children, but also have your own sense of self, because what are you? Co-dependent? Work out and be healthy, but don't work out too hard because why would you prioritize that over your own children? So, be careful that you don't get too fat, because you are making America obese and your kids will be fat like you and then, probably, Armageddon. On that note, don't wear a bikini, because only slutty moms do that. But also, model healthy body image to your children, or you are the reason they will fail at life.

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You should breastfeed, but only if you can do it in a room quietly and away from everyone. Breast is best, but seriously, no one wants to see your boobs. Only selfish moms use formula, but you should probably just go ahead and use it and stop complaining about breastfeeding. No one wants to talk about your boobs.

Working mothers are wonderful examples of modern womanhood, but they are also incredibly selfish to be putting a career before their children. A good mother never puts her career before her children; she also doesn't ever slack at work. Stay-at-home moms are wonderful and sacrificial, but honestly, get a job lady, because what do you do all day? So, definitely get a job, but honestly, why aren't you watching your own children? Using child care is wonderful -- after all, it takes a village -- but why are you outsourcing your motherhood? Why did you even have children in the first place?

A good mother always puts her partner first, except when she values her children above everything. A good mother also advocates for her child, and is never sanctimonious and pushy. Trust your mom instincts, except you are completely hormonal and irrational and you need medicine.

So, mothers, watch over your children and constantly shield them from the big bad world. Also, never be enabling helicopter parents, who do everything for their children and shield them from the world. Never let your kids quit anything -- they must learn perseverance -- but you should empower them to make their own choices. Children ought to be allowed to choose what to wear, but if your kids aren't wearing perfectly matching Tea Collection outfits, you are a terrible parent. The Tea Collection is ridiculously overpriced. But cheap clothing with characters on it makes your kids a walking billboard for consumerism. Good mothers discipline their children. Spanking is barbaric, time-out is ineffective and I'm calling CPS. Good mothers never yell or get mad. Good mothers show their children that it's OK to yell and get mad sometimes.

Perfect mothers understand how privileged they are to be parenting in America. But the French are doing everything better. So, mothers, be confident in your choices, because you are probably doing everything wrong.

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